New York City Will Win the War on Obesity
When I think of New York City, I envision the crown jewel of America. I picture a city that serves as a model for the rest of the United States, possibly even the world, providing the finest public services and ensuring a quality of life that simply cannot be found elsewhere. As mayor, it is my personal responsibility to maintain and improve our city's impeccable standards, a task which I feel is not only an obligation to our residents, but all of humanity as well.
Unfortunately, you may be aware of the growing obesity trend threatening to destroy the very foundation of our great city. Left unchecked, this epidemic could cripple our economy and degrade the quality of city services we strive to offer. Fortunately, I have established a revolutionary set of policies and laws designed to eradicate this danger, thereby ensuring a brighter future for all our residents. Thank you for your time.
- Police will begin conducting "BMI Checkpoints" throughout the city. Roadblocks will cause all vehicles to stop, at which point passengers will have their BMI measured by advanced, state-of-the-art robots. Any individual with an unacceptably high BMI will be politely escorted at gunpoint into a large black van by masked members of the New York City Health Squad, who will drive them to an advanced, state-of-the-art Weight Regulation Facility.
- If any citizen attempts to sleep longer than eight (8) hours a day, they will be woken up by the SWAT team firing a barrage of flashbangs through their bedroom window. If their bedroom contains no windows, the SWAT team will attach C4 to an adjacent wall and detonate it, allowing the entrance of a mobile bomb-disposal robot that will use its one long arm to poke the sleeping person in the stomach until they wake up.
- We will gradually phase out and criminalize "unhealthy activities," substituting them with reasonable alternatives. For example, "playing video games" shall be replaced by "jumping over a series of ditches we dug and filled with snakes and spikes," and "watching television" will become "run a six-minute mile if you want us to give you your children back."
- To prevent citizens from engaging in a dangerous sedentary lifestyle, it will now be illegal to sit in a chair for more than two (2) consecutive hours. To help enforce this, manufacturers who produce or sell chairs in New York City will be required to include a device that shrieks helpful reminders such as "get the hell up" and "you're getting fatter, you piece of shit" after two hours. If a user ignores these warnings and continues to sit, the chair will then encourage them to exercise by sending 10,000 volts of electricity through the seat.
- We've noticed many people walking throughout our fine public city streets, despite many scientific claims proving running would be far healthier and productive for the individual. We will help encourage running by requiring all residents to receive an advanced, state-of-the-art electronic implant inserted directly into their spinal column. This device will send electronic signals to your nerves, forcing your legs to move much faster while walking. During prototype testing, some users have complained of certain side effects such as death, but don't worry; your legs will still continue to move for hours after your demise.
- Have you ever seen a fat horse? I sure as heck haven't; all the ones I've seen have been completely lean and muscular. To serve as inspiration, hundreds of horses will arbitrarily be released into occupied buildings, so all residents may gaze upon their fit bodies. Failure to sufficiently admire the horses will result in capital punishment.
- Fresh fruits and vegetables rank among our most important allies in the war against obesity. Unfortunately, some citizens are unable to obtain these items due to factors such as income discrepancy, location, or mobility. We will address this issue by launching our ambitious new project, dubbed "Health From Above." City officials will purchase 743 Predator drones from the Air Force, and our engineers will load their missile pods with several thousand pounds of fresh fruits and vegetables. These drones will then patrol and scan impoverished neighborhoods. Upon spotting a human being, the drone will launch two pounds of produce at their head, along with an attached note reminding the individual that failure to consume the aforementioned product will result in jail time.
- Instant weight loss assistance will be offered to morbidly obese people, allowing them to choose which limb(s) they would like severed by our trained medical staff
- Our engineers have observed that many buildings in our fine city contain elevators, an unhealthy alternative to using stairs. While it would be easy to simply make elevators illegal, this action would result in possible fire hazards. So beginning in the year 2013, all structures containing more than one floor must be built horizontally instead of vertically. We will give owners of existing violating structures an additional six months to horizontally convert their buildings by rotating them at a 90-degree angle.
- To prevent citizens from overeating, all forks produced or sold in the city of New York must be designed to spontaneously combust after ten (10) consecutive uses.
- Any and all citizens who achieve our medically determined ideal body weight will receive a personally signed certificate from my office. It will display the phrase "GREAT JOB ON NOT BEING FAT!!!" in Comic Sans, and include a thumbs-up clipart image.
- The city will begin a toll-free number which any individual may call to report other citizens' suspicious eating activities (ie, too many cookies, suspected hidden milkshake, whispering in the grocery store, etc). A special awards ceremony will be held at the end of each year, honoring individuals who successfully reported the greatest number of violations. They will be given a complimentary glass of "Patriotic Water," which is like regular water except it contains extra patriotic atoms.
- It will now be legal to burn down fast food restaurants.
- Overweight visitors will still be allowed to enter the city, but will only have access to specific districts of the city, such as Bloatsburgh, Disgusting Person Hills, and Lardwad Heights.
Looking forward to a slimmer future,
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg