The UN Inside Our Head
As Zack mentioned in yesterday's update, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is the hot game this season, narrowly beating out such winners as THQ's "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson Walk Through a Goddamn Mall" and Capcom's "Another Stupid Hyperactive, Seizure-Inducing Fighting Game." I, like millions of Americans throughout America and many other places which aren't America but look remarkably similar, have had my mind irreparably warped thanks to Rockstar's game. For example, while I was taking my daily walk through a bank parking garage just the other day, I noticed some vehicles that looked slightly cooler than the Honda Accord we own. My mind instantly went into GTA:VC mode and I started thinking of breaking into it, driving down the street at 80 miles an hour, running over pedestrians, smashing into other vehicles, causing all kinds of crap to explode, and then getting arrested simply because I accidentally dinged the back of a Police car while stopping for a red light. The cops in Vice City don't really give a crap how many laws you break, just as long as you don't personally come into contact with their cars in any way whatsoever.
However, before I could pick up a stone to begin bashing the car's lock, I suddenly thought, "you know, perhaps this isn't such a great idea." Then, as I began to ponder this decision in detail, I noticed the many conflicting thoughts and opinions inside my head, each battling with the others for dominance. It turns out that for every decision we make, we have certain "voices" inside our head that weigh the pros and cons of each outcome, thus enabling us to make the most beneficial choice. To test this theory, I used a screwdriver and piece of metal to open my skull and get a closer look at these vocal critics of my every move. After a few grueling hours of bleeding and wishing I was dead, I came to a sudden, shocking revelation: I have the UN inside my head.
Now I'm not trying to say that I literally have the entire staff of the United Nations inside my head, which is simply ridiculous. There's no way I could afford all those chairs and pitchers of water that they drink all day while talking about wheat exports. While my skull is too small to cram in even the tiniest Malaysian ambassador, I do house the voices of five major UN delegates, which I firmly believe have a place in all our brains. Allow me to now formally introduce my psychological theory which claims each and every one of us has the following UN ambassadors in our heads, voices that argue and determine the ultimate outcome of our each and every action:
BRAIN UN DELEGATE #1: THE AMERICAN - The American is the loudmouthed, boisterous, egotistical, self-centered jerk that makes us want to drive very fast and buy handguns or fast food. Although only .00005% of the brain is inhabited by The American, it somehow is able to influence over 97% of the average brain, mostly through commercials for auto insurance and those "sold on TV" devices such as "MagicSpray's Summer Scarf" and "Mystery Meat Moisturizer" from Great Ideas Inc.
BRAIN UN DELEGATE #2: THE GERMAN - Once a warlike and violent nation, Germany is now notorious for their strict stance on making every possible harmful thing in their country illegal. For example, citizens must suffer through a 645-day waiting period when purchasing a knife, baseball bat, lamp, or taco. Germans have such strict censoring laws that all blood in video games is forcefully replaced with green goo and all killable characters can never be human beings; only robots or aliens. You can't even claim the bad guys are humans dressed up in very convincing alien or robot costumes or else you'll find yourself rotting in a German prison next to some guy who the government suspects of muttering the word "Nazi" once in his bathroom.
BRAIN UN DELEGATE #3: THE FRENCHMAN - France was never really known for anything but its rich culture, food, and history, all of which hate America. In fact, France pretty much despises any non-French nation, and last time I checked there were quite a bit of those. Fortunately, nobody ever pays attention to the French these days, as they completed their downward spiral from empire to laughingstock to "not even worth mentioning" decades ago.
BRAIN UN DELEGATE #4: THE RUSSIAN - Russians are a lot like the Los Angeles / Oakland / Martian Raiders from the early 1990's: they're the bad guys who are always trying to get away with illegal stuff whenever they feel they aren't being watched closely. Ever since the collapse of the Berlin wall and the fall of Communism, Russia has fallen into a kind of free-for-all where the only responsibility of the police is to make sure their monthly bribes are paid on time.
BRAIN UN DELEGATE #5: THE NORTH KOREAN - As one of the few remaining Red Menaces™ left on Earth, the North Korean is very intent on resisting the classy charms and cubic zirconium baubles of Capitalism. In fact, they want to blow up just about anything related to Capitalism and aren't afraid of having their ill intentions known, unlike the sneaky Russians who are now planning on delivering late hits to opposing quarterbacks. No wait, that's the Raiders.
Whenever we face a difficult decision such as if we want to suddenly become homosexual (at least that's how the Christians tell me it works), our UN delegates come to the table and begin discussing the issue in a fiery, heated debate. That's why they need all the water pitchers and why you're thirsty after figuring out if you want to watch "Will and Grace" each night (HINT: you don't). By using some of the finest nanotechnology I was able to dig up in the dumpster behind the abandoned Radio Shack, I was able to build a very tiny microphone which I secretly taped to the alien microchip in my brain. The following transcripts are completely 100% accurate and true and happened exactly how I describe them, unless of course you have evidence suggesting otherwise, which naturally makes you one of "them" and will result in me putting you on "the list" along with such conspirators as George Bush, Michael J. Fox, and that guy who played the Urkel kid from "Family Matters."
ME: "Boy, I sure am hungry. I wonder what I should do about this?"
AMERICAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "Eat boy, eat! Eat all you can! Eat like there's no tomorrow! Go out and get a whole shitload of food and just throw away the crap you can't eat! On your way there, be sure to litter and buy some guns! Also, don't donate to charity!"
GERMAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "No! Do not eat! Many fights and violence have broken out over food! This reckless eating can cause nothing but a repeat of our horrible, horrible past! Let us ban food entirely!"
FRENCH BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "Oh so the American wants to eat, eh? Well we should eat then! Yes, let us all eat! We should eat caulking! Yes, that's it, let us all please the American by eating all of the caulking we can find, this will be most acceptable, yes? After all, we all want to please the American!"
RUSSIAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "Hey comrade, that guy over there looks like he has food. Let's bash his skull in with this parked-car lock smashing rock and take his food. Nobody will see us, this is the perfect plan and can't possibly go wrong, even if that moose and squirrel catch onto our plan."
NORTH KOREAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "ENEMIES OF THE STATE! ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE! SPIES, ALL OF YOU! TASTE THE NUCLEAR DINNER YOU DESERVE, BASTARD PIGS!"
ME: "Hmmmm... I think I'll just put some frozen food in the microwave and eat it."
GERMAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "No! Microwaves are consumer objects and people fight over such material goods and possessions! Do not use the microwave! Cook food like our people in Germany do - go under a bridge and use one of those barrels which are on fire for no readily apparent reason! We have a lot of them, although we don't know why!"
NORTH KOREAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "FIRE? DO YOU WANT FIRE? IT SHALL RAIN FROM THE SKIES AND SWALLOW UP YOUR GODLESS COUNTRY! WE WILL TRIUMPH!"
AMERICAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "You goddamn commies never learn, do you? That's it, I propose we start moving American brain cells into areas surrounding the North Korean's territory. Any nations letting us use their bases as refueling stations will get their import taxes lowered and we'll also provide them with a healthy supply of military personnel who will help support the growing rape economy in nearby cities."
FRENCH BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "Oh so the American wants rape, eh? Rape like how you are raping our culture with your McDonalds and Wal-Marts and Ron Popeils and Ron Jeremys, eh? We French people are proud of our country and committal to never being committed to anything, so you can count us out of your rape ideas, you reprehensible swine!"
RUSSIAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "Hey Frenchie, wanna buy a copy of Windows XP? It's only 39 cents. Ehhhhh, don't worry about it being on a blank CD with the words 'MICORSOFT WINDOWES' spelled incorrectly across it, it's legit, really, trust us. The American software piracy inspector can't arrest you for this, trust us, we have bribed him with illegal copies of Jazz Jackrabbit."
ME: "That's odd, I'm not really hungry any more. Suddenly I want to use the computer and look at rape pictures."
RUSSIAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "Eh comrade, that's more like it! We can get you these rape pictures for 43 cents! Genuine state-sponsored rape photos of pretty Russian bride! Speaking of Russian bride, you can buy one for 81 cents include shipping and handling! She won't talk back to you because she doesn't know English! Or, if you're into 'different' things, we sell you a male Russian bride for half price!"
NORTH KOREAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "HALF PRICE? HOW IS HALF PRICE OFF FREE DEATH SOUNDING TO YOU ALL? YOU WILL NOT HAVE THE TIME TO HAVE GODLESS SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN BEFORE OUR INSTRUMENTS OF DEATH MAKE YOUR MIGHTY CITIES CRUMBLE BENEATH US!"
AMERICAN BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "So North Korea doesn't want us to have sex with a man, eh? The commies are trying to tell us what we can and can't do? Well I'll be damned if I let some slant eyed pinko tell me what we can and can't do! That's it, we're going gay, boys!"
FRENCH BRAIN UN DELEGATE: "HOORAY!!! Er, I mean, I hate you, American filth child!"
ME: "Maybe I'll just have sex with a man."
At that point my brain started getting very hot and I had to begin drinking water by the gallon to satisfy my desire to have sex with a man, just like how the Christians said it would happen. And to think I publicly mocked religion before getting in touch with the five UN Delegates inside my head! I firmly believe that by acknowledging these members who live inside our skull and dictate our every choice, we will come one step closer to learning more about ourselves and, more importantly, our healthy Christian desire for gay sex. Oh well, I suppose that's better than wanting to steal a car and drive it over a few hundred people like the delegates from Rockstar Games would like me to do. And, after all, isn't that what's important?
I Hereby Giveth Unto You: Comedy Goldmine
We're trying something new in this week's Goldmine. Perhaps you are one of those people who don't like new things. Well, to you we say, "you are doomed to a life of uselessness and will have to catch peaches with your mouth that have been fired out of a retired gay manicurist's asshole at speeds pushing mach three, bitches." In short, enjoy this week's Goldmine, which focuses on some funny and oft times fairly stupid things that were said on the Something Awful Forums.
To find out more similarly wondrous and exciting tidbits of information, proceed to the Goldmine and see what the hell we keep blathering on about.