I soon found myself wandering down corridors the dimensions of my bathroom closet, having to choose the correct answer from a question dialogue box thingy that popped up at every possible intersection. Often these questions would be mentally exhilarating and challenging, such as this example:
I chose "My hair style" because God knows I've been trying to make it less Brillo-like my entire life. Turns out that's the wrong answer though, as I was soon staring at the brick wall of a dead end, with Jesus nowhere in sight. Those Christians are tricky, I tells ya!
The gang's all here! And they're talking about JESUS.After drunkenly stumbling through the corridors of boredom for what felt like seven days and nights, I eventually ended up in a room that proudly displayed all the sprites I had passed while traveling on my journey to the room that displayed all the sprites I passed. There were two grinning zombies, two children playing tetherball, two children on a seesaw (one of which was irradiated), a Civil War-era cannon and American flag, computer, car, and a pot. If that wasn't enough, and it certainly fucking was, there was also a "Mirror of THANKFULNESS" that I was commanded to pick up. It made a smiley face appear in my pseudo-inventory box. It was great. I quickly hopped into the elevator they ripped directly from Wolfenstein 3D and traveled to the next exercise in pain: level two.
I was greeted by another grinning goon in a blue suit, explaining that "obeying proper Authorities gives you PROTECTION from evil." I had to find my "1st, 2nd, and 3d Authorities" before I could proceed to level three, which I assumed would be based around respecting homophobic spinning woodland elves or something equally ludicrous. I hunted down my "parents," who in the game world were two-dimensional cutouts of 1960's-era sitcom adults, and lit their magic lamp. No, that's not sexual slang for anything, they simply had a magic lamp I had to light. After tracking down and lighting the lamps belonging to the "church" and "government," I proceeded to level three. I felt strong and confident knowing that if I just followed whatever the government told me to, I'd be protected from evil. No abortion clinic bombings for me! Oh yeah, I also found a closet containing a mop and bucket somewhere on the level. I tried to obey them, but it turns out they're not proper "Authorities." In fact, they're not authorities at all! They're just a mop and bucket (respectively).
A horse. A horse who LIKES JESUS.
Level three was where it started getting plain weird. A talking horse gave me word puzzles I had to solve, forcing me to jump over the gate with the corresponding answer. The cryptic horse would provide Bible passages that were apparently written in Latin and then translated to Hebrew and then translated back into Latin so they could be rewritten in Japanese and then run through Bablefish 20 times. I ended up asking the people on my forums to help me out, and since they weren't currently playing any of those creepy Japanese RPGs with characters who have eyes the size of washing machines, they gave me the answers. Yes, that's correct, I was cheating on a Christian game. I eventually vaulted over enough correct answers and proceeded to the next level. At this point, the sheer pain was physically manifesting itself in my kitchen. It had broken into my refrigerator and spilled beer everywhere.
Like the previous missions, I was greeted by yet another smiling guy who informed me what the objectives of this level were. I ignored him and tried to injure him in any way possible, yet ended up bouncing off him like a rubber ball in an electrical grid. The purpose of level four is to make your way through another series of hallways, choosing the correct answer like in level one. However, once you beat it, you are teleported back to the BEGINNING of the level and have to follow the correct path again... only this time without any fucking hints! You are forced to memorize which turns you make where, and if you go in the wrong direction, you soon end up in a giant black cube surrounded by snakes and green spaghetti strands hanging off the ceiling. As far as I can tell, there's no way to escape this pit of Satan snakes, who have the power to crash the entire program if you touch them. Oh that wily Devil! What crazy tricks up his sleeve will he pull out next? Once you "beat" level four, you end up in an oasis populated by creepy motionless animals who apparently don't mind sitting around in a box for all eternity. The wonders of God!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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