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MY_RESUME.TXT by CHARLIE SHEEN

DIDT PHOTOSHOP THIS BEAST AT ALL.... DONT NEE D TOO!!!Yo! So you want to hire a REAL PRO ACTOR for your TV SHOW OR FILM MOVIE? Well look no further! You've tried the rest now mess with THE BEAST!!! I'm a CELEBRITY TV STAR and my STAR IS ON THE RISE LIKE THE MOON! Call me THE MOONMAN!!! I'm like yeast I rise IN THE MORNING! rise and shine mothfucker BOOYAH!!! my agent said people dont say booyah anymore but I do............. know why? BECAUSE I'M TITS, BABY!!! I'M ALL THE TITS IN THE WORLD/

anyway here's my resume! Resume reading! Haha!!!!!! THAT'S A LAUGHTER EXPERIENCE want the short reason why to hire me? ever hear of a tiny little show called "@ and a Half Men"??? Of course you have....... PAGING Dr. NEILSON RATINGS BITCH. I quit that shit like a bad harbor because they didn't appreciate my rock star god stature and prime time beefcake haunts in mothfuckin 3D starring me as JAMESUAL "DR. FUCKIN 3D BITCH: CAMERON. What's a girl to do you know??? Haha j/k fuck them all, I'm BEYOND CBS LIKE a case of natty ice in a frathouse LAUGHTER ONLINE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL YEAH whats in this bottle anyway dont know dont care

check this shit out pappy::::: my_resume.txt

WHAT'S MY NAME? CHARLIE FUCKIN SHEEN THE ACTOR
WHAT DO I DO? ACT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR MOVIE, FILM, TV SHOW, PARTIES HELL YEAH DONT MIND IF I DO
WHEN WAS I BORN? DON'T REMEMBER, DON'T CARE< WASN'T BORN AT ALL!!! WHEN WAS JESUS BORN? THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!!! NOW YOU GET THE PICTURE
WHAT"S DID I DO IN THE PAST (WHAT IS MY PAST EXPERIENCES)?? well where do I start???????? let me count the ways>>>>>>

  • 1985 - Starred in "The BOYS Next Door!" I was the mothfuckin DOOR --- BOOYAH J/K I played a human which was a stretch for me since I'm VITO THE FUCKIN IMPALER FROM THE GODDAMN ZETA RETICULI STAR SYSTEM I own so many cars that if I tried to count them all I'd get bored and stop after like two seconds
  • 1986 - STarred in the "Ferris Bueller's Day Off!" shit I dont remember what I did in this movie, maybe I was Ferrets Bueller or something god who knows...... ask a nerd on a computer, they know all that shit they worship me like a cake in dog's heat and IT'S ALLWAYS SUNNY IN SHEENSVILLE USA, CAMPER
  • SOME OTHER YEARS, CAN'T REMEMBER: I was in "Wall Street" and "Young Guns" and "mayor League" and christ I cant be botherered to list them all, lets make a long short story and jhust say I was in pretty much all the movies ever good and if you never saw any of em then I dont want to be assed working for you cause your project is probably BANAL --------- THAT IS A B-ANAL PIECE OF SHITOLALA BOOYAH SHEEN WITH THE SLAM DUNK NUGGET!!!
  • 2003 - WHENEVER - TWO AND A HALG MEN! EASY CA$$$H. WOAH now the text is way big and I dont know how to turn it off but HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL THAT'S HOW I ROLE NOW. ROLLING OFF MY SHOULDERS. ROLLING THROUGH THE BRAINPAN. I'M COMEDY #1................. CONCERN YOURSELF WITH THAT > BIGGER THAN LIFE.... I AM LIFE, KILL ME AND YOU ACTUALLY KILL YOURSELF

I have accomplished wooooooah wait your horses there Lone Ranger O.K. this next part I guess I'm suppossed to write my other accomplishments but shit that's a long-ass major list so here's a pajama clad bone bare catalog of HIGHLIGHTS SCRAPED from the genius of my brains.................. again j

  • I INVENTED THE SWAMP. me and Jeke were out painting slop red a town back in shiiiiiiiiit I guess the 1981s or so and we saw some Federally Protected Wetlands and I said "that shit's a swamp, Jeke" and right THERE - RIGHT THEN - a vocal gem was coined by Dr. Verbals himself, Me. Now everybody uses the word "Swamp"......... i could sue for copywrite infringement but I dont because I'm better than that, you could say I'am the BEST AT THAT. THAT IS LIFE. MY LIFE, MY WORLD, YOU'RE LUCKY TO LIFE IN IT. MCWORLD - IT COULD HAPPEN --- THE DOCTOR OF ACTING IS IN THE HOUSE!!!
  • MY BRAIN'S A FUCKIN' CALCULATOR. Give me a number ----- any number ------- and I can calculate it INSTANTLY. EXACTLY. PRECISELY. numbers are the name of the game and my number is number #1 so GET IN THE GAME BABY!!!!!
  • PATENTED A REVOLUTIONARY METHOD OF ACTING I HAVE DUBBED "THE ME." I was going to call it "the Charlie Sheen" but hell --------- that's ME! I know who I am and you know who I am SO Let's stop Beating A Round Bush and just call it the Me. What does it bring to the table? Intensity. Passion. A Mater of Comedic Timing. Passion. I know what I am, I am me. if I stare at a vase for too long it starts looking it's an elephant searching for its long lost parents and THAT'S THE NAME OF THE GAME BOOYAH ROCK ON LIKE A oh god why does my eyes hurt now
  • I HAVE DISCIPLINE THAT RUBS OFF ON OTHER EMPLOYEES. I've rubbed one off on many employees throughout my ageless wonderland of HELL FUCKIN YEAH ROCK AND ROLL TECHNIQUE!!! I arrive on the set within minutes or days or hours of a request from producers. somet times i dont show up because of my religious believes (I BELIEVE IN ACTING THE ROLE YOU PLAYED TO A "T")!!!!!. sometimes I'm intentionally weeks late because my nose and brain and mouth have to prepare........ get into the mental state.................. get into sync........ get into my garden > get into the garden GET IT???? PROBABLY NOT, DONT ASK QUESTIONS YOU CANT EVER HEAR ME ANSWER
  • I CAN REFUSE TO HIT WOMEN FOR UP TO (BUT NOT INCLUDING) TWO DAYS
  • I AM THE SMARTEST ACTOR TO EVER ACTOR. hey Media Suckups ---- Lorre didnt create 2 and a Halfmen: I DID. Before that show even existed, I WAS TWO A A HALFMAN. THAT CHARACTER - I'M ME. what did that hack Lorre do (or should I say that JEW JEWORRY)? he TOOK MY LIFE, THREW IT ON THE TV, CALLED IT HIS OWN - THATS PLAGARISM WHERE I COME FROM. THAT"S WHY I'M FROM THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!! I AM THE SUN OF GOD. But now the public knows Icall the shots grandma. got on the radio, talked to who the hell was it, the Danicka Patrick Show, told her straight up tits how pegasus Flies. or Icarus??? Word's out now...... Lorre's sunk. Call him the HMS Titanic. and I'm the Iceberg. Slow and cool, thats how I play it. I think the shit in the bottle was estrogen pills what the fuck do I have this shit for anyway

okay now is the last part of my_resume.txt where I say what I'm gonna do to help your creative endevour reach its fullest potential. Pretty hard to cram all that graham into a single compendium so let's play it loose and easy and see what hole this gets toweled into.........:

  • I WILL MAKE MYSELF A LOT OF MONEY (AND BY PROXY YOU). You ever hear of money? Haha thats right, I AM MONEY. Whatever I do, I get top dollar for it. And that means you will get some part of my top dollar. I'M SO RICH PEOPLE PRINT COPIES OF MY FACE TO BUY AND SELL SPECIFIC GOODS AND SERVICES WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THE U.S.. You can't spell "U.S." without "SHEEN" THAT IS THE SECOND 'S" and the first one (the U) is "YOU" SO YOU SHEEN!!! GODDAMN RIGHT, SLIP IT IN AND CALL IT A NIGHT GRACIE. Like i said in the movie Wall Street, witch I starred in: "Greed Is Good." I played an investment banker and my dad was in it but he's also my dad in real life so SHOUT OUT TO YA, POPS> I TOOK YOUR ADVICE AND BOUGHT THAT EAGLE
  • I WILL LEND AN AIR OF CREDIBILITY AND CLASS TO YOUR PROJECT. I can bring two hookers to a shoot. I can bring seven. I can bring sixteen. showcase that to a producer and get your shit greenlit like a mothfuckin moss garden in ireland booyah.!
  • I HAVE LOSTS OF IDEAS REGARDING GREAT IDEAS. Okay here's just a sample, a tiny one that will get ya hooked: there's this house, it's not haunted or any lame-o crudola like that. BUT it's alive. It eats people whole.! Bodies, brains, tits, long legs, everything. THIS HOUSE IS ALIVE. its called "Barron's Munch House In 3D." got that idea when I was freebasing on UNCUT LIFE. here's another idea: a table that eats YOU. I call this one "Barron's Munch Table In 3D." more where that came from
  • I'M HOTTER THAN BROILING WATER. Look at the front page of CNN now. Check out any magazine ever made now. Who that on it? you got it: I'M ME. H-2-OH NO! YOU DIDN'T CHARLIE. HELL YES I DID, I WENT THERE, I CAME FROM THERE, I AM THERE!!!! couldn't be assed reading whatever they wrote, probably something about the ca$$$$HIT that is THREE AND A AN AHALF MEN and when I go on the prowl jags actually shirk their haunches like Pancho Goddamn Bob Villa on the run because they know the zoomaster got loose and hell's coming to pay BIG MMMM-ER BIG $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

SO IN CONCLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSION I wo

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– CHARLIE SHEEN, BABY!!! (@lowtax)

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