I'm finally coming out of the closet. This should be fun and awkward.
I have a confession to make. This isn't easy to talk about but I'll try to work through it. A long time ago I realized something about myself. I'd say I've always known but never quite realized it. When I was in 7th grade I experimented in, how should I put this, abnormal activities for a boy my age. I fantasized about it everyday. And even though I felt ashamed, I kept on doing it. I eventually came to terms with who I was but could never really "come out of the closet" as they say. Eventually I got the courage to tell my parents. Last week I sat my father down and told him, "Dad, I have something to tell you." I could tell he already knew what I was going to say. He already knew what I did late at night, but I pressed on. "I don't want you to be alarmed. I know how you feel about this sort of thing but I need to tell you. I-" He immediately interrupted me, "I knew it! I knew it all along! Oh god. Are you really?! Oh Christ. I knew it!" I futilly pleaded with my father to calm down. Instead he got up from his easy chair and paced around the room. "All the pieces fit. The flamboyancy, the dresses, the parade of young men strutting in and out of your room on a daily basis. I should have seen it coming!" He was enraged. I started to cry. "You shame me son. You shame me, yourself, and this family. I thought I raised you right. I want you to leave and never come back. Get out right now." Unable to temper his escalating anger I hung my head in shame and left home. Although my father hates me now I am not afraid to tell you, my true friends, who I truly am.
That's right folks, I listen to talk radio.
I can literally hear the collective sound of thousands upon thousands of browser windows being closed in disgust right now. It's okay. I've learned to live with the stigma of being a talk radio listener. I get wierd looks on the street. My florist gives me the evil eye. My UPS man dreads delivering packages to my house. My parents won't even speak to me. I lost my job, my girlfriend, and my best friend. You may be asking yourself, "Why does he do it?" Well, I simply can't deny who I am anymore. I figure that if I come out of the closet it may give others the courage to do so as well. Education is the seed from which tolerance grows.Today I will teach you all about talk radio so that you may not fear it any longer.
Talk radio was invented in 1930 by a guy named John C. Anthony who was a disc jockey at some old time radio station. If you want to blame anyone for the train wreck that is talk radio it's this guy. He got the bright idea to ask listeners to call in and say what was on their minds. Unfortunately they had no way of putting telephone calls on the air back then so Anthony had to repeat what the callers said on the air himself. This resulted in a lot of people calling up and saying things like, "I am a moron with a big butt and my butt smells and I like to smell my own butt." They eventually got sick of people calling up asking for Bee Gees tickets so they stopped taking phone calls altogether. The general public was deemed too stupid to operate a telephone and think of something intelligent to say on the air at the same time so they were consequently banned from the airwaves. It was then that radio guys decided that they would only talk to eachother and not the audience. A lot of shows about economic policy and politics surfaced and, of course, no one listened. Radio audiences dwindled, instead opting to engage in such empty activities as spending time with your family or having sex with the wife. Then in the 80s an up and coming radio personality named Howard Stern farted into a microphone which would later be dubbed "The Fart Heard Round the World" and the rest was history. Eventually the hosts became as dumb as the audience and the talk radio show was reborn. There were a few pioneers before Howard Stern but you wouldn't know who they are anyway.
I have listened to many talk radio shows in my day. I will describe them here in no particular order so that you may get a better understanding of what talk radio has to offer. Some of the shows I mention here are only aired in the Los Angeles market. If you live somewhere else then you can simply pretend to know what I'm talking about just like I do. I am also fully aware that roughly six people will enjoy this update and four of those people are me.
The Howard Stern Radio Show
Station: Syndicated by Infinity Broadcasting
Overview: A gargantuan half-Jew that dreamed of reinventing radio by talking to naked porn stars in-studio that the audience can't even see. His co-host Robin Quivers, who chooses to sit behind glass because she doesn't trust white people, laughs profusely from the sidelines because if she doesn't laugh at Stern's jokes she will be beaten. Artie Lange, who is living on borrowed time, rounds out the cast with his hillarious jokes about people with cancer and missing limbs. Howard Stern is the only guy in the world who could argue with his stupid driver about a goddamn limo for an hour and for that we love him. Soon after Howard Stern became popular many radio stations started airing "morning zoo" type programs that were designed to ride on the coat tails of Stern's popularity. Too bad none of them are funny and listening to them makes your penis recede up into your body.
Common Show Topics: What Howard did last weekend, Howard's thoughts on last night's episode of Smallville, Howard's thoughts on last night's episode of Angel, Howard's thoughts on last night's episode of The Bachelor, Howard's hair. He's a fucking woman!
The Tom Leykis Show
Station: Syndicated by the Lord Jesus Christ himself
Overview: Portrayed as a man's man on the radio, Tom Leykis enjoys his days reading the Wall Street Journal while sipping fine wine and listening to jazz. Radically different from his many fans who worship him as if he were Jesus, Leykis exploits his callers by ripping them to shreads on the air whenever they disagree with him. In doing so he recieves millions upon millions of dollars. What a goddamn genius. Leykis 101, which teaches men how to get laid for less money is like a money saving coupon for your penis. Advice includes not spending more than $40 on a date, never dating single mothers, and sticking your penis in a mayonaise jar when the goings get tough. Finally, dates for under $40. But why even spend that much? They have two for one specials in Vegas that are just to die for. During the Summer on Fridays Leykis asks listeners to turn on their headlights and if a woman sees them she's supposed to flash her breasts! This results in a lot of floppy breast accidents and disgusting aerola attacks. Stay away from the girls in the back of pickup trucks. You'll thank me on your wedding day.
Common Show Topics: Women are bitches, women are skanks, women are gold diggers, women are sluts, women are whores, etc.
The Conway and Steckler Show
Station: KLSX 97.1 FM in Los Angeles
Overview: Tim Conway Jr., son of comedian Tim Conway, and Douglas "Marsden" Steckler, 400 pound North Dakota native, host this three hour show that is the embodiment of Southern California. They are the local guys. It's quite possibly the most intelligent, enlightening, and entertaining show in Los Angeles. That is, until a hot sounding chick calls in. These two are suckers for the hot chick. It doesn't matter what they are talking about, when a hot chick calls in the show is immediately derailed into a lake which is then filled in by a rockslide that is then bombed by the U.S. Military. You can be the most drugged up hammered chick in the world and you could call up the Conway and Steckler Show and be on for at least half an hour, without fail, every time. If you happened to be on hold waiting to get on when a hot chick calls up you might as well just hang up the phone.
Common Show Topics: Stories that hint that Steckler is gay, How many hot dogs can Tim Conway Jr. eat in two minutes?, What the Hell Did Jesse Jackson Say?, Studs working out
John and Ken
Overview: I have not listened to John and Ken in a long time but if their show is anything like it was a few years ago then they are still talking about Jon Bonet Ramsey. I would bet my grandmother's ashes that at any given time John and Ken are probably talking about some huge court case where it's really fucking obvious who did it, how they did it, and why they did it, but for some reason they feel like talking about it every single day. Today you could probably call it the Scott Peterson Hour with John and Ken. I'd bet the farm on it.
Common Show Topics: Scott Peterson sneezed today, Michael Jackson took a shit this afternoon, Kobe Bryant went out to get the newspaper this morning
The Phil Hendrie Show
Station: Syndicated by Premiere Radio Networks
Overview: The first time I heard the Phil Hendrie Show he had on a guy who would stay parked in a parking spot at a crowded mall during the holidays if he noticed someone following him back to his parking space. The guy argued that he didn't like his parking spot being stalked and that he owned it and could stay there for as long as he wanted to. I eventually learned that his guests were all being voiced by him and designed to enrage unsuspecting callers, but I actually agreed with the fake guest! Even to this day I sometimes agree with what the fake guest is saying. Phil Hendrie is kind of like our own Truth Media but on the radio.
John and Jeff
Overview: I have very little to say about John and Jeff. They do a great show and are all-around great hosts. All you have to do is look at a picture of them to know what they are all about.
These are some cool dudes.
Overview: Jesus, where do I start with this one? This is what precedes the John and Ken show so you know KFI has a winning lineup on their hands. "Dr." Laura is an old bag who preaches morality and ethics yet wasn't above posing with her hairy snatch spread eagle for Bill Ballance's camera. If you actually decide to call up the good "doctor" and ask for advice be prepared to get a pile of BITCH thrown back at you. I don't think real doctors actually talk to their patients that way. Oh wait, "Dr." Laura isn't a real doctor.
Common Show Topics: The entirety of her show is her berating callers for making mistakes in life and then giving them bad advice. What a great doctor!
Overview: Bill Handel is one of those stereotypical AM talk radio conservatives who feels that every problem California faces, from the poor economy to the scarcity of jobs to his incredibly tiny penis, are caused by illegal immigrants. Handel, who used to be a lawyer, is inherently evil. Most recently he is asking listeners to join him on a 12 day trip to the Galapagos Islands. What a treat! 12 DAYS ON A BOAT WITH THIS FAT BASTARD. Activities include seeing how many Galapagos turtles Handel can eat in three minutes, making illegal immigrants walk the plank, and monkey knife fights. His weekend show, Handel on the Law, is excellent however.
Common Show Topics: Illegal immigrants raped and murdered my mother
Station: Syndicated by Premiere Radio Networks
Overview: Here is a guy who said that drugs are bad and that the people who use them should be thrown in jail. Of course, that didn't stop him from using DRUGS. You know, I think it's safe to say that any conversative radio host who speaks out against something is probably doing that very thing. The fucker also sells crappy chairs for $519 on his website. That's the same one I have and I bought it off some Mexican for 20 bucks! Any self-respecting person wouldn't be caught dead with a fucking EIB chair. If you are reading this and sitting in one right now I want you to take your own life with a butter knife. Limbaugh ended up losing his hearing and we thought that was the end of him but it turned out to be the DRUGS.
Common Show Topics: What?, Huh?, What did you say?, Speak up please, Sorry I can't hear you Rating: Unlistenable
The O'Reilly Factor
Station: Syndicated by Who the Fuck Cares
Overview: This fuckhead preached morals in entertainment and spoke out against gangster hip hop while sexually harassing his female co-workers. Wow, another AM radio dickhead who lost all credibility doing what he spoke out against. Who'da thunk it? The guy sells "The Spin Stops Here" doormats for $49.95 on his website. If you needed anymore evidence that this guy is a douchebag then there it is. Why don't you spin yourself off a cliff O'Reilly? Damn.
Common Show Topics: What color dildo should I get my assistant?, Recommend off-color jokes to bomard my female co-workers with, How many times should I stick it to my assistant tonight? Oh yeah, don't listen to to gangster rap! Those black song artists are evil!
Computer News with Jeff Levy
Station: KNX 1070
Overview: Jeff Levy hosts one of those computer shows in which people who don't know what a computer is and try to have sex with it call up for basic tech support. Levy is a guy who believes that any computer problem can be solved by buying crappy anti-virus or anti-spyware software. No matter what problem a caller has Jeff Levy will not hesitate to plug some 30 dollar spyware program that probably contains spyware in itself. Never mind that the best programs for virus and spyware protection are free. I tried calling up and telling him about Spybot Search and Destroy and AdAware and his producers came to my house, roughed me up, and told me that if I ever tried that again they'd kill me. Over at Jeff Levy's website are computer lessons that teach hard to understand concepts and operations.
This is some really complex shit here folks! What would we ever do without you Jeff Levy?!
Common Show Topics: Lesson 501: How to turn on a computer, Lesson 69: How to find pornography on the internet, Lesson 123: How to use a toilet, Lesson 404123: How to move the mouse
Frosty, Heidi, and Frank
Overview: Alright, I'm sick of writing this horrible article and my ass hurts from sitting here laboring over this steaming pile of crap and my cat is dying right now so I'll make this quick. Commonly called the "Triplets", The Frosty, Heidi, and Frank Show is all about making fun of the fat guy named Frosty. He is constantly insulted, made fun of, and goofed on and he takes it like a retarded puppy. He is a failed musician whose dream in life is to own an actual fork from the Titanic. I have no idea what these people talk about the rest of the time.
Common Show Topics: Frosty is fat, Frosty is a pussy, Frosty sucks, Frosty is gay. No matter what the topic is, we are constantly reminded how much this guy sucks for some reason.
Los Angeles radio is as diverse as the people who live here. And like people, most of them suck, some of them don't, and the rest just sort of linger on until they die. I hope that this guide to L.A. talk radio was an eye opening experience for you all and that the next time someone tells you they listen to talk radio you won't hit them in the back of the head with a shovel. Those of you who live outside of Southern California are probably thinking, "I will never ever move there in my life." Good! We don't want you! For the rest of you, I really hope this update has taught you to enjoy talk radio as much as I enjoy having sex with men.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
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