Peach Saliva: Fall is finally here! No more hot summer sweating into your jorts like the underside of a Christmas ham!
Asterios Kokkinos: Oh god, I'm going to be sick already.
PS: Thanks to this short, helpful guide, we can help you find more seasonally appropriate clothes to sweat into, you pig!
AK: Peach, I'm sitting right here. Why should I care about fall fashion, anyway? I still have plenty of Old Navy performance fleeces.
PS: Because Fall is nothing if not the season to dress like an asshole.
AK: Now you're speaking my language! Let's check out the hottest trends, fresh from the runway, for Fall/Winter 2016:
PS: Emulate a gravely injured looney tune. It's haute couture!
AK: I just googled "looney tunes vs. looney toons" to see if I could correct you, and you're right. It's "looney tune" and I apologize.
PS: I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, ASSHOLE.
AK: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Lowtax would get mad at me if I didn't-
PS: I AM LOLA BUNNY. FIGHT ME.
PS: The thick, hand woven knit really drives home how stupid you'll look oh my god.
AK: I like the oven mitts! I'm always losing my oven mittens.
PS: This winter is sure to be a cold one, so why not rock it in an ice cold vagina?
AK: Jesus Christ! Why is that the first place you go for everything?
PS: Because it's the first place I go for EVERYTHING.
AK: I wonder if it's too late to find another co-writer.
AK: I like this outfit because I have social anxiety. I won't be so nervous in meetings because I can't see anyone!
PS: This is the perfect ensemble for those days when you don't want to get caught jacking off on the subway.
AK: How much time are you spending doing that?!
PS: I have a shitload of time blocked out on my Google Calendar for it.
PS: It's Breast Cancer Awareness time, so everyone is obligated to wear a serious pair of comedy breasts.
AK: Honestly, put aside the photocopy of breasts and this is how I dress all the time.
PS: Even the man-dals?!
AK: You mean flip-flops?
PS: You're a fucking flip flop.
AK: I don't like conflict! Please be nice to me!
PS: Become the last thing you dropped under your couch. The ladies will love it!
AK: They made the gloves...puffy? They filled the gloves with cotton!! Now they're unusable as gloves!!
PS: Check out the hands slowly putting this guy in the crossface.
AK: The what?
PS: The crossface? It's a wrestling hold?!
AK: I get uncomfortable around conflict!!
PS: For the distinguished gentleman who loves Fallout, but wants to 'play a game' with Jigsaw.
AK: This is another great outfit! I could zip it up whenever someone made eye contact with me!
PS: Aren't you worried about getting your next caught in the zipper?!
AK: For the opportunity to be left alone? I'm willing to take that chance.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.