Dear distant aunt/neighbor/weird kid at school,
Please attend the upcoming Graduation Party. Though Graduate will never forget your gifts/house sitting your cat/ the time you barfed in study hall, you have not been selected for premium attendance. It is hoped that you will still enjoy the party through your issued invitation for Extended Relations (E.Rs).
All E.Rs are permitted and welcome between 3 and 3:45 and Graduate hopes you find enjoyment. During this time folding lawn chairs are reserved, but please feel comfortable squatting in the grass while you enjoy your choice of Tier 2 Soda (Squirt, RC Cola, Tahitian Treat.) Though you are attending, please do not make a scene. Do not attempt to tell stories of Graduate's childhood. Do not try to hug girls outside of E.R. sub-category. Do not sign guestbook in large, unattractive handwriting. Be advised that there will be a slideshow accompanied by Vitamin C's classic track "Graduation (Friends Forever)". Please provide your own tissues. Do not clap.
If you would like to communicate with Graduate, wait until all higher sub-categories are finished conversing. Please keep comments brief and avoid the following sayings: So what's next? Are you glad to be finished? I am so proud. Where are you going to school? I haven't seen you since you were this tall. Do you still love me? Do you have a major? Why don't I see you on Christmas anymore? All relevant information can be found on the poster board below Graduate's baby pictures.
For a $20 Gift (no gift certificates) you will receive one of the following Senior Pictures: The Tree Hug, The Relaxed Recline, Serious in Sepia, Hunk Magnet.
For a $40 Gift you will receive one Senior Picture and one slice of cake (Vanilla, no corner piece, no icing flowers, no portion of Graduate's name or screen printed face.)
For a Gift $75 and up you get all three Senior Pictures, one slice of cake, and one semi-personalized message.
Please eat while talking to other E.Rs! There is food for you! Feel free to help yourself to one miniature sun-baked ham sandwich and as many baby carrots as you desire. Ranch dressing is currently limited to one half ladle, considered to be a healthy portion by many. Pasta salad is available after 3:30. Consume at your own risk.
Again, thank you for your support in helping Graduate develop/get cheap beer/laugh at your grotesque pimpled pubescent face.
Graduate hopes to see you there!
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
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