Hey Kids... What Time is it?
Gather 'round women and feminine children, it's time for another exciting adventure of everybody's favorite Interweb-based entertainment show, "Awful Link of the Day Webmaster Threatens to Sue Lowtax!" Today's antagonist is none other than "William F. Slater," husband of the vile creature responsible for creating yesterday's ALoD, http://www.joannaroguska.com/. It seems as if ol' Billy is a bit upset over his wife's portrayal as the horrid hell-beast she is, and once again he decided to fall back on the good ol' American solution of "threatening to sue anybody and everybody who remotely offends us." Well enough jibber-jabber from me; let's get on with the story!
Your coverage of my wife's website on your website at http://www.somthingawful.com upset us both. I am demanding a sincere apology within 48 hours, both in the form of a personal e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org and on your website, or else you will be very, very sorry for this abuse. No sarcasm or condescending tone is permitted, or else it will not be recognized as a real apology.
By the way, if you have never heard of me, I am the William Slater of the famous civil case, William Slater v. Dan Paolini, which was one of the first cyberspace defamation cases back in 1994 - 1995. I have copied my lawyer, Mr. Christopher Bischoff on this e-mail to help you understand that I am quite serious about my demands.
William F. Slater, III
Greetings "Will-Dawg" F. Slater, III:
You demanded sincere apologies. I will now deliver these sincere apologies to you as requested.
I sincerely apologize that your wife has website design skills that rival many housepets. I sincerely apologize that I subjected my viewers to your wife's horrible, horrible, horrible site which has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, aside from the fact that people can retain the ability to instantly close their browser upon entering her many works of hideous terror. I sincerely apologize that your wife sees fit to blind every Internet citizen with her garish color schemes, unbelievably terrible Flash skills, and lack of any digital composition abilities whatsoever. I sincerely apologize that you are delusional enough into thinking you can sue me for making fun of how remarkably retarded your wife appears to be. I sincerely apologize that your lawyer has to deal with you and your insane wife, both of whom seem to live in a fantasy world where people don't claw their eyes out after being tricked into viewing your terrible, terrible, terrible webpages that probably contain millions of subliminal messages instructing its viewers to murder policemen. I sincerely apologize that you appear to have married a crazed war criminal intent on wiping out the entire human populace and leaving the survivors blind, confused, sterile shells of human beings.
I hope these sincere apologies satisfied you. I mean them all from the bottom of my heart and have never said anything as sincere. I really pray your AOL lawyer doesn't come after me, as I fear your unlimited wraith and vengeance may smite me, my site, and all my viewers in one fell swoop, like that one part of the Bible where Jesus destroyed the melon stand. Oh well, maybe if you win the lawsuit you'll be able to afford some glasses and HTML design courses for your wife.
In addition, here is some bonus material to help you with your upcoming libel and slander lawsuit against myself and my website: your wife is dumb and ugly. Please forward that to your lawyer, as I feel it is pertinent for him to know that your wife is, in fact, dumb and ugly.
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
Well, that's all the time we have for today, kids! Hopefully Will-Dawg will write be back and continue his legal threats so SA's resident lawyer, Mr. Leonard "J." Crabs, can step in and take over. Until then, make sure to check out the resume of Will-Dawg's wife, who wants to be a web designer. Pardon me while I laugh so hard that my internal organs liquefy and dribble out of my anus.
What... A Prank?!?
Oooh, a double-header of goodness for all you slimy cretins today! After a, I don't know, 19-month hiatus or something, I've finally come back and done another ICQ prank. I honestly feel that today's prank is one of the best ones I've done, ranking up there with "Space Robot Bonanza" in terms of sheer unbelievability and outrageousness.
I can't think of any good reason to not read this prank, unless you're too busy drafting up legal papers to sue me for making fun of your AzN PrYdE Angelfire site. Head on over and take a look at it now or else I'll wire your entire kitchen to explode.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.