Hello once again fine peoples of the Internet. I come back to you now at the turn of the tide to bring you Part 2 of "Let's Go Camping You Nerds!". If you recall last week, we covered what equipment you need to have, and some of the forest creatures you would encounter. Since then I've faced harsh criticism concerning the validity of my knowledge about camping. The ringleader of this witch hunt is none other than Sunday's Ben "Greasnin" Platt. To prove that my article was nothing but smoke and mirrors, he went on a camping trip last week, ignoring all of my tips and warnings. Due to his ignorance, he got himself raped not once, not twice, but thrice! Poor Greasnin fled the woods with a ravaged anus and is still in the shower silently weeping. To tell you the truth, before Part 1 of this piece I had never gone camping before in my life, but since then I have gone on some bold expeditions with my new gear and have many words of wisdom to share - as well some interesting diseases. So strap on your backpack and put some pants on for God's sake, it's time to camp!
Ben "Greasnin" Platt did not heed my advice never to turn your back on a camping salesman.
The most paramount aspect of camping is picking a location. You could just set up your tent in your living room, but it takes the ruggedness out of the whole experience. You also run the risk of getting wet when the fire department is hosing down your house because your campfire burns out of control, prompting all the neighborhood children to run inside and steal your fruit and PS2 games while you are rolling around in your flaming sleeping bag screaming for help. For the bulk of you who have never been outside or felt the touch of a woman, it would be best to pick a location that does not have extreme elevation changes, thick jungle vegetation, or sub-zero temperatures. There is no shame in picking a beginner's trail, and leaving the more dangerous, less-traveled roads for more experienced campers like Grizzly Adams and myself. Let us look at some possible locations where you can defile the earth with your horrible presence, shall we?
Beginner Level 1: Local Rest Areas
For most of you clueless retards (no offense), this is the best spot to get used to camping and break in your new gear. Pick a secluded spot next to one of the stationary BBQs and set up camp. This is a good time to inspect all of your equipment to make sure one of those terrible salespeople didn't throw any bombs or cobras in it. This camping locale is ideal for people who are still a bit frightened by nature. If a leaf falls on your head or a squirrel gives you a dirty look, escape can be swift, and you can be back in your apartment watching He-Haw reruns within 10 minutes.
Wildlife: Squirrels, trees, grass, state cops, fabulous men, truckers, and random serial killers.
Pros: A quick exit if you start to freak out, and company if you get lonely. Often, the restrooms will be full of fellow campers like you who are getting to know each other very well. If you are feeling a bit glum or getting scared in your tent, go into the restroom for a heart-to-heart chat and/or a reacharound.
Cons: Oftentimes, you will be sleeping peacefully in your tent when a totally drunk trucker will do a belly flop right on top of you. It's really rude, but don't tell them that. They hate criticism of their artistic dives and aren’t afraid to open up your face with a tire iron and then start kissing your bleeding "purty" mouth. But whatever you do, don't go to the state cops for help. They will only laugh at your plight, hose you down with pepper spray, and hand you over to the hordes of misfit truckers clamoring for your demise.
Novice Level 2: State Parks
State parks are the most common places to hike, and provide a good mixture of seclusion and society. Unlike the rest area, you actually have to walk to your camping spot, and there is a good chance that you will have to do some work. If your skin starts to discharge salty drops of water, do not panic. This liquid is called "sweat" and is not unlike a tear. It's like your body is crying because you’re making it do stuff. It's a good idea not to hike more than 10 miles a day if you don't want your feet to turn to bags of mush. If you cannot find a suitable campsite, then burn down a section of the forest to suit your needs. When a park ranger tries to stop you, explain the theory of that Darwin guy, and how we are superior to the trees and it's only natural to destroy them. If he tries to arrest you, knock him out and frame him for the murder of a prominent political figure.
Wildlife: Rabbits, chipmunks, bears, wolves, monkeys, trees, other campers, insects, and Yeti.
Pros: You don't have to worry about truckers or corrupt cops stabbing you in the middle of the night. You can also pretty much get away with any depraved sexual act without fear of being interrupted.
Cons: It is well known in camping circles that State Parks are full of vampires. These filthy bloodsuckers consist of campers, park rangers, and Girl Scouts who have fallen pray to the master vampire who lives in a big oak tree somewhere. It's not really a big deal, but keep garlic on your tent and a big fire going at all times.
Ranger Kit Level 3: Evil Forest of The Lich King
Those who gain enough experience and gold on previous quests can advance to this level. It is filled to the brim with danger and adventure at every turn of the forest maze. Random encounters with creatures can occur every couple of steps you take. Make sure to be well armed, for these beasts will give you no quarter. Once you find your way through the treacherous forest, enter the Lich King's castle and prepare for the final battle.
Wildlife: Orcs, bugbears, goblins, knolls, green slime, red slime, silver slime, green slime with hat, skeletons, zombies, zombie warrior with hat, zombie warrior without hat, green zombie warrior with sombrero.
Pros: Once you defeat the Lich King, the dark veil of evil shall be lifted from the land, causing the peasants to rejoice and praise your name.
Cons: The princess is in another castle.
Greasnin also ignored my advice on bears. He was rewarded with 4 gallons of piping hot bear semen in his anus.
Lord Camper of Space Level 4: Slopes of Mt. Olympus on Mars
Only one man has ever reached this level of expertise, my late Uncle Cecil. He was truly a great camper and taught me everything I know. After consuming a large amount of ale, he would get up on what he thought was a tree stump (but was really our coffee table) and relate all of his great tales of wilderness adventures. He once beat a pair of bear cubs unconscious with his bare hands, finding their trove of honey and saving the city of New York from the great honey shortage of 1974. He also boasted that he burned down a whole forest of aggressive trees, slew a large horde of goblins that turned out to be a Boy Scout troop, and climbed the slopes of Mt. Olympus on Mars. While his wife would roll her eyes at his Mars camping tales (causing him to throw what he thought was a rock, that was in reality our TV, at her sassy face), us kids would listen in rapt attention as he related the great peril and danger of Mt. Olympus. During his epic tale of climbing space cliffs and fighting space bears, Uncle Cecil would often pass out in mid-sentence, falling directly backwards onto the table causing it to shatter into thousands of pieces, making the whole family roar with laughter.
Wildlife: Space bears, space rabbits, space apes, sandworms, and a lot of stock footage from 50's Sci-Fi movies.
Pros: Two words: endorsement deals. Just think of the cash Nike or Pizza Hut would pay to stamp their logo all over your body as you made world record camping hikes. I'm sure McDonald’s would give you millions to start up a new restaurant on the peak of Mt. Olympus since that's they only place they haven't invaded yet.
Cons: Getting there. My Uncle Cecil always told us he was transported there by a combination of meditation, incense, and rocket shoes. Alas, he lost his life when he attempted to return to Mars by strapping 40 pounds of dynamite to his feet, effectively showering the whole neighborhood with his remains when he lit the fuse. My Uncle Cecil died as he lived, sharing.
Now that you have determined what level of difficulty you want to pursue, you are almost ready to thrust your stinking carcass out the door. But before you foolishly leap into the forest, let me give you some quick and simple tips to survival that I probably didn't mention on the first part because I was really loaded. I could check last week's update, but I'm not sure how to use the interactive web page links that Lowtax likes to use. When the computer confuses me, I usually end up hitting it with my bat and throwing it off an overpass, so let's not even go there.
Things you might need to know for not dying:
When your body cries tears, you are expelling vital moisture. If you do not replenish this moisture, you will probably die. That's why it's a good idea to bring water with you when camping. A small jug of water should suffice since you will probably find a river or lake, but if you can't find water, urine or blood will do.
There is an old saying in camping: if you pack it in, pack it out. That means to not leave any trash in the forest. This is wrong. Bears love trash, and when you litter, you are helping the bears, thus helping nature.
Greasy didn't listen to me about bringing bug spray. He got raped by a fly.
Don't pick up any random dolls lying around. My uncle told me these are Vietcong booby traps, and saw his best friend get his head blown out of his ass after kissing one of these seemingly harmless dolls.
Nobody likes to be walking around the campsite looking for wood, and then stepping in a steaming pile of human fecal matter. No sir, that's bad business. If you need to relieve your bowels, then do it directly over the campfire so the hot coals naturally evaporate the droppings. Once all the water has been dried from your offerings, the solid carbon base makes great coffee. (Waste nothing!)
Only you can cause forest fires or something. Since Smokey the Bear was found out to be a communist spy, his words of wisdom have fallen on deaf ears. His message was to not make forest fires because it's just not cool. The ONLY reason to cause a forest fire would be when you spot a patch of aggressive trees, if you get lost and need somebody to find you, if your Game Boy Advance runs out of batteries and you are like, really bored, or if you wake up in the middle of the night screaming because you had the same dream with the little gnome telling you to savagely burn and kill all living things you come in contact with. Other than that, never, ever cause forest fires!
So are you all geared up and ready to go camping? I can't hear you! No, I really can't hear you. I don't have any speakers with this computer because I bought it in the back of a bowling alley and didn't ask any questions about the blood smears on the screen. I really hope to see a bunch of you guys out there in the wilderness once spring hits. Camping is not only good for your body and mind; it's good for nature as well. Think about that for a while my friends. Until next week, this is Park Ranger Frolixo signing off the SA comedy machine.
(Illustrations by forum goon "The Yellow Yell". I paid him for his services with sweet, sweet rape.)
Funtime With State Og!
This is your State Og representative Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell once again, doing my part to lure you into our potentially dangerous van with candy, metaphorically speaking (and literally when the job calls for it). When I realized it was almost time for another State Og earlier today, I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I ran shrieking past three open windows, then jumped through the first available closed one. After reading this update then smoking PCP, you might do exactly the same:
Offer a simple piece of candy to your victim for this prank. Little does he know when he takes his first bite of this candy, he is chewing into humiliation! State Og has developed a new candy that, when triggered inside the stomach by the inner lining of mucus, transforms into ten or more shards of glass which are each bigger than the original piece of candy! Just try to keep a straight face with your buddies who are in on the gag as your friend doubles over in pain a few hours later. He will never suspect you or your candy caused this hilarious glassy mess!
If that's not good reading, then I don't know what is, or whose pants I'm wearing. Go check out State Og, foolish humans!
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
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