The internet has long thrilled to the adventures of "Maddox," a man who turned articles like "Why Sucky Things Suck" & "Why Butts Should Be Boobs" into a book deal during the internet boom. But recently, Maddox was senselessly attacked by the founder of this very website, Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka:

A lot of what Mr. Kyanka wrote is true. Maddox did sue Asterios Kokkinos, a moist "comedian" and used brillo pad, for $20 million dollars for making fun of him. And Maddox did accuse Lowtax of "stealing" the idea of mocking kids, something nobody in comedy had ever done before, except for everybody.

But Lowtax: it was was wrong to call Maddox a bald, ugly toilet skeleton creature.

Because he's actually two bald, ugly toilet skeleton creatures. Who also smells like a Monster Energy Drink someone put a cigarette out in.

These conjoined skeletons, summoned by the mad magicks of "The Wizard of Hemorrhoids," have long menaced the countryside. And by menaced, we mean mildly annoyed. With their Clinton-era takes on soup and video games (hint: good ones are bad), these twin terrors couldn't be less attractive if they were made out of hot dog water, emerging from the bottom of your half-eaten pudding cup.

Note the phrase twin terrors, Mr. Kyanka. Because there are two of them. And shame on you for spreading misinformation.

This pair of useless idiots, who in high school were voted, "Most Likely To Die Alone," are easily found. Just lay a tube of Rogaine in the middle of a GameStop, light a candle made of failure, and whisper the phrase, "I'm A 90's Kid."

Soon, you'll hear scampering feet and shallow, labored breaths. Spin about, and you'll spy "The Maddox," looking as sad as his parents did the moment he was born. He'll slowly stand from his toilet throne, the final resting place for thousands of unsold copies of his 2017 book "F*ck Whales." He'll doff his plastic crown at you, revealing a head as bare as he's been of ideas since the release of the Sega CD.

Then, he'll immediately start telling you about his podcast.

Now: hand him a coupon for a retweet from Tucker Max. You've won his favor, and he'll rant at you about any topic you like...any topic at all! Would you care to hear why water, the building block of life, sucks? Or perhaps, why it's "gay?" He'll quickly google "reasons why water is bad," reshape the work of actual journalists into five paragraphs of nonsense, then take a well deserved nap for the year.

Once asleep, "The Maddox" -- a creature who flunked his collegiate math final three times, yet still thinks his opinion is valid -- can only be roused by one of the following:

• A ping from the Google Alert he's set for his name
• The chance of approval from a right wing e-celeb
• The irresistible scent of a gas station hot dog, the only food his body can still process
• Any type of criticism whatsoever
• One of his ten roommates getting up to use the bathroom
• Or the sound of someone trying to steal his moped

Beware "The Maddox" dear reader! Beware his stink of self-importance, beware his cargo shorts. Beware his sunken eyes, scarred by hours spent stalking the Facebook pages of any girl he's ever encountered ever. Beware the five o'clock shadow encircling his head...it's a clock whose bell tolls for thee!

...beware...Beware....BEWARE!

(Also: he sucks.)

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Additional writing by Phil C. & Joe C.

– Asterios "President Baby" Kokkinos (@asterios)