At a Glance: Possibly the most entertaining and obscure synergy of nazi barracks and Christian mythology, Super 3D Noah's Ark (shouldn't it be Super Noah's Ark 3D?) lets you relive the biblical adventures of Noah by running around a dungeon pelting sheep with fruit - in 3D, nonetheless! Based on Castle Wolfenstein 3D, this engine was rumored to have been liscened out by id to Wisdom Tree only out of retalition for the Super Nintendo's poor 3D graphics support. Despite its label as an educational title and the implied intention of its developer, Wisdom Tree, after playing this game beginning to end I can truly say I feel no wiser. The game does, however, leave you with one important lesson: never trust goats.

Platform: SNES (Download Emulator here - 395k)

Download: Download ROM here - 497k


Torrah! Torrah!Game Plot: It's been a long journey. In just a few days, the ark doors will open and Noah, his family & the animals will be back on dry land. But the animals have become a bit restless and are out of their cages. Camels, giraffes, monkeys, kangaroos and more are wandering throughout the corridors of the ark. As Noah, it's your job to regain order & get the animals to sleep until you leave the ark. Your only tool to accomplish this is the food you brought aboard the ark. Can it be done? You bet! But how. . ?

Under the visage of wholesome Christian values lies a much more seedy and squalid tale to the game Noah's Super 3D Ark. After thirty-some days and thirty-some nights on the ark, Noah has gotten bored and decided it would be fun to stop feeding the animals. Consequently, the animals have organized a mutiny against him, and Noah must fend them off in defense of his very life.

Weapons: As Noah, you start out with a basic slingshot and a satchel full of berries. As you move about the levels of the ark, you will pick up better, more technologically advanced slingshots and berries which do the exact same thing, only they are shot out of more complex objects. If you run out of berries, you begin pummeling the animals with your bare fists or throwing them grain or something like that.

Is this Castro or Santa Claus?Enemies: Given this game's religious nature, you might think that instead of enemies you would encounter friends who would help you on your journey and guide you down the path of biblical salvation. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Around every corner there is a swarm of rabid beasts, ready to sink their teeth into any meat they can find. Your flesh is as good as any. To fend off your attackers, you must pelt them with perishables until their lil tummies are full and they drift off into dreamland. Early in the game, you'll find mainly rampant goats and sheep, whose tactical paucity makes them easy targets - back up and shoot them until they're dead. Be wary, though, their lack in individual intelligence is made up for in numbers. In the month or so aboard the ark, two goats have multiplied into two thousand. Frisky creatures, ain't they? As the game progresses, the enemies get smarter. By level five you're matching wits with cows who emit some kind of projectile venom and hide behind loose objects. Some thanks for saving the bastards from the damned apocalpyse!

Number of Levels: All five of the levels in Super Ark of 3D Noah are eerily similar to those of Castle Wolfenstein 3D. It must have been a pain in the ass for Noah to build five fucking stories of brick dungeon into his ark and still make it float like a feather. There is little visual stimulation or variety in any of the levels. Aside from the scattered hellspawned beasts, each room is adorned with a few barrels of nuclear waste, or some other oozing toxic green liquid (I guess that would explain the goats' alarming reproductive rate and the cows' laser eye beams).

Number of Bosses: At first, I foolishly expected to find a boss or two scattered throughout the Ark of Super 3D Noah. How exactly would that work? I suppose the animals could elect ring leaders - afterall, someone had to organize the mutiny. Someone had to plan floor assignments, tell the cows where to hide and how to sneak up behind Noah. Unfortunately, they were not smart enough to place their strongest leaders at the level exits. This kind of poor leadership eventually meant their demise at the hand of the almighty Noah.

Defining Moment: Repeatedly rubbing Noah up against a random wall to hear him emit an orgasmic groan.

Graphics-7
Gameplay-4
Story-9
Sound-8
Fun-2
Overall-30

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– milquetoast (@lowtax)

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