"Are you a bad enough dude to save the president?" As a child I could never get past this part of the game due to my indecisive nature so I recently tried playing it again with an emulator. I think I'm a bad dude... but maybe I'm not bad enough. What then? If the ninjas kill the president will I go to jail for failing in my dudeness? I can't take this sort of responsiblity! If anyone out there knows the correct answer to the question, please write to State Og headquarters and let me know. Special thanks this week go to: Don "Motorcycle" Jolly and Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott.
Attention All Parents!
State Og is proud to announce that all our offices are now being fitted with state-of-the-art daycare facilities – which will be available for complimentary use by our employees beginning in the fall of 2005. Finally, all you hard working parents will get to keep your kids in a safe place while you work – for free! Your days of leaving your children in the thrall of perverted television shows and murder-simulating video games are over!
Our new “Og Care” facilities will be staffed by only the most intelligent survivors of the infamous “Congo Incident.” While their twisted limbs caress your children, entertainment will be provided by our high-tech daycare facility – witch features such amenities as :
So rest easy, parents! Relief is on the way. Now you can put aside your fears about the responsibility of child rearing during the work day, only to let it bubble out at home – like battery acid – and drive you into a state where you injure only those who you hold dear. And as the tiny bodies of your young pitch and rend with each drunken blow, they'll still have the memories of all those great times they had at Og Care!
- Your Human Resources Staff
The Legacy Of The Diggers
Though it may seem strange to think so, there was a time in our society when the accomplishments of certain bold pioneers went unrecognized. While the rest of the nation slumbered peacefully under the sky, these brave men and women sought out new frontiers, new peoples, and new ways of life in a seemingly inhospitable land. We are speaking, of course, of those daring underground trailblazers of old, the Diggers.
To understand the magnitude of what the Diggers accomplished, one must first understand the era they lived in. Picture, if you will, the bygone days of 1990. At the time, the westward expansion of the United States had only just been completed a mere 200 years or so prior. All throughout the west, there was a feeling of restlessness. The Pacific Ocean had been reached; it was time to set out in a new direction. But which way? Those with an incurable case of wanderlust were dismayed to discover another country to the north, quaintly called “Cah-nah-dah” by its inhabitants. They were equally dismayed to find that the lands to the south had been settled sometime in the past by decidedly un-American, darker-skinned people calling themselves “May-hee-kans.” Those wishing for new frontiers were left with nowhere to go.
Nowhere to go, that is, until a company known as State Og put out an advertisement seeking people of good heath, low intelligence, and questionable moral standards to take part in the adventure of a lifetime: the exploration and settling of the stratosphere. People signed up in droves and hopped aboard the wagon train to the ozone. Months later, when repeated attempts to go in an upward direction in covered wagons ended either in utter failure or in fatal disasters, it was suggested that the overall direction of the movement be changed from “up” to “down.” In less than a fortnight, the Diggers were making great strides.
After four years, the Diggers reached a depth of 10 miles into the earth, with many small frontier towns springing up in the gigantic spiraling tunnel behind the main push downward. For a glimpse into the life of a Digger, we present an excerpt from the journal of Edward Briggan.
March 10, 1994
We're going into town to go meet a representative from that State Og company today. He's coming down by train to inspect the progress we've made on the Tunnel. I wish the company would stop breathing down our necks and sending city boys like this guy to check up on us all the time! Don't they understand that we just want to live free, the way God intended?
I guess I shouldn't be so harsh, though. Those boys at State Og give us a lot to keep us going down here, like shovels and buckets and stuff. I'll have to remember to ask him if we can stop using horses for transportation down here, and maybe use something battery powered. The horses don't take to underground life that well. They keep getting sick, or going crazy, and then we have to kill them. I'll also have to ask him if we can stop dressing like cowboys.
March 11, 1994
Well, yesterday was a pretty lousy day! On the way to the train station, me and my friends got held up by the Dead Dirt Boys, a bunch of mole rustlers and worm thieves out of New Rootsville. I didn't think that they ventured into these parts, but I guess they're getting more out of hand lately. Boy, every time I start to forget that I'm living on the frontier, something like this happens and reminds me.
Then, when we finally got to the train station, the inspector from the company got in our faces about being late. THEN he started yelling at us, saying that we're way behind schedule, and that the angle we're digging at is far too shallow. What a jerk!
But then, after about an hour of getting chewed out, he gives us some good news: we don't need to use our old horses anymore! Apparently they've made some sort of new horse that's made just for life underground. They look a little strange, and there's something not quite right about their eyes, but the guy assured us that they were all perfectly healthy. So at least the day wasn't all bad.
After we unloaded our new horses, the guy went off with four guys in robes to do something called the “Awakening.” I asked if he needed help, just to be friendly, but he just looked me over and said my soul wasn't “fresh” enough. Whatever. I just ended up sticking around town for a few hours and sleeping with the girls over at Ms. Vikki's. I sure do like whores.
Today that guy from the company is leaving again. We're about to go to the new dig site one last time, though, to get our new digging orders.
March 24, 1994
We've been digging a lot these past few days. I guess we're making a lot of progress, but a lot of people are getting nervous. There've been a few Tunnelquakes this week, and part of town got buried in a cave-in. Still, word keeps coming down from the Surface that we can't stop digging. I don't get it – I mean, it's a big Earth, right? Why the big rush to go down?
The new horses work great, but they're still a little strange. They never move unless they have to. They just stand there, and they all face the same way, and they all look down in the same direction. They can be mean, too! My friend Bart got up close to one to get a better look at its weird eyes, and the horse bit his nose off! Bart's been taken to the hospital over in Spade Shovel, and the doctors say he's doing fine. He keeps screaming about the horses, though. Something about “swimming things in their eyes.” Oh well. I'd be pretty upset, too, if my nose got bitten off.
April 12, 1994
We hit something today! I mean, we've hit rocks and boulders before, but this thing is strange! It's like a huge buried wall made of black glass. Somehow, by coincidence, we came up to it right where there's what looks like a door.
I haven't called the boys at State Og about it yet, though. They've been pushing us so much lately, I'll bet I'll get a real earful if I tell them we can't dig anymore because this thing's in the way. I really don't want to hear about it, especially since they're the ones who told us to dig this way. It's not our fault this thing is keeping us from digging where they told us to dig!
Oh well. At least the horses seem to like it. They just spend all day staring at the thing.
April 13? July 27? 1994
Man, this is strange! After breakfast I went down to the dig site like usual. When I got there, I saw that the door thing was open! It looked kinda scary, so I decided to come back here. I figured then that I couldn't put off calling the company about the wall anymore, so I called them up. Then, when they picked up, I got chewed out for a good ten minutes for not reporting in for two months! I was speechless! I thought they were just trying to pull a fast one on me like the time when they told me my left kidney had been removed and sold, but they were serious! They said it was really July 27!
I tried to ignore them and just tell them about the wall thing. Then they got really quiet, and after a really long time asked if it had been opened. When I said yes, they just hung up! A good lot of help they are!
It's all really strange. None of my coworkers are here, and when I went into town, it was almost empty. The few people I saw didn't know anything about the date supposedly being July 27 either. They also didn't know where everyone else had gone. I wonder what's going on.
At any rate, it looks everyone's allergic to some old pollen or something that wafted out of the black thing; we've all got these weird rashes on our faces. I sure hope it clears up; I really wanted to have sex with Ms. Vikki's remaining whore and…well, I guess it doesn't matter what I look like. She'll sleep with me as long as I pay her.
I sure do like whores.
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i dont' feel to goodd everyoens sick adn fat and teh hoerses are all lickingg us
oold joe mcccomoric down the roadf came over to have lxunch adn brokew open andd blacvk stuff and thigns came oute of hifm ad the hoersess caarries osomething th ethings aaway out of hims
my sstomac h hrurts a loti a g g geoiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Sadly, Edward Briggan's life ended the way many Digger's lives ended. The ones who didn't manage to flee the Tunnel before State Og sealed it shut in late 1994 were killed in cave-ins, devoured by their horses, or made into hideous incubators for the terrible race of Underworlders let loose upon the underground frontier.
Still, their contribution lives on even today. From the personal artifacts State Og recovery teams bring back, to the vicious human-Underworlder hybrids that we shoot on sight whenever they emerge from the accursed crater where the Tunnel entrance once was, the noble spirit of the Diggers continues to give and teach to future generations.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!