You've asked for it. You've waited for it. You've done things you aren't too proud of for it. And now, finally, back again for the first time ever it's The 1st Annual "Best of Being a Dickhead" Awards Ceremony. The rules were simple: do something in World of Warcraft that pissed an individual or a guild off, so as long as I was not that individual. Many entries were cast, and many of them were cast out for being boring or lame. Nonetheless, I am proud to announce this year's douchebags. These assholes went above and beyond calling someone a faggot - they took efforts to ensure that their victims would cease to enjoy their game, much like my very articles. Enough banter; on with the awards!


Best Use of The Letter I in a Guild Gimmick's Name

On my server, there is a very elite, very exclusive guild called "Absolution", that is very easily months ahead of the other guilds in terms of end game content. They completely dominate all PvP they partake in, have three 40-person teams farming Molten Core, and still find time to be relatively nice to anyone outside of their guild. From assisting with Onyxia runs to providing very generous incentives to the unlocking of AQ, Absolution has the shit on lockdown. So naturally, everyone and their sister Debra wishes to join them.

Now my guild, which I wanna make nameless, was as envious of their success as we were upset that we couldn't get membership. So we did what any rational smaller guild would do: we disbanded our guild temporarily, and created "AbsoIution". Note the capital I in the guild name- it is impossible to distinguish it from a lower case "l" in game. Now that we had the identity, we decided to expand & invite anyone who wanted to join. No surprise that in a 8 hour period our membership grew from 30 to 170.

From there it was all a matter of being complete dickheads in game and ruining their good graces. We ninja'd loot without prejudice, we had 20 people go AFK in Alterac Valley, we made General Chat in Ironforge our own personal guild chat. Then, a mere three days after the damage had been done and we had almost every single terrible dramawhore in our collection, my original group quit the guild, we gave leadership of AbsoIution to someone who rarely logs in, then reformed our original guild.

Absolution hasn't been the same since.


Best Use of People that Don't Speak English

My server is completely full to the brim of Chinese Farmers. However, despite the fact that they are destroying the economy they are pretty nice people. If you whisper them hello, you will be asked "ni hao ^___^" for the next hour. If you trade them some Conjured Bread, they will gladly send a gold or two. And, as my friend who speaks fluent Chinese found out, if you invite them to a guild, they will /gdisband whatever they are in, and will gladly join you. In fact, said friend decides to create a new guild with his new-found friends, bringing the charter out to them in Tyr's Hand if necessary. He collects the necessary 10 signatures without any trouble.

Proceeds to rename the guild "Buttloving Terrorists".

Proceeds to finalize the guild, turn in the petition, then quickly gives the leadership to one of the talkative rogues and quits the guild. He rejoins ours, then proceeds to log off that character for a good week or so.

As for the buttlovers? They stuck around for four days. I don't think anyone wanted to report them.


Best Ruining the Very Livelihood of Someone You Will Never Meet In Real Life

Many people don’t know this, but often players that farm gold are under daily quotas. People also don’t know that the players tend to work in shifts on the same account with a partner, and the “partner” can do anything with the money or items remaining after your shift. So, if a farmer collects an excess of gold, it is in his best interest to have a “safe place” for the excess funds until he logs back in, to help him maintain his quota for rainy days.

My farmer friend’s name was Cowboy. Cowboy hailed from Malaysia, and Cowboy spent his time in Maraudon raking in a good 100 gold or more an hour, using various farming exploits that his employer insisted he could not share. But after I happened to save Cowboy from some random Paladin that was kicking his hunter’s ass in Desolace, we began a good friendship of broken English and large gold transfers, for the aforementioned safe keeping. Often, every night I could log in, Cowboy would have anywhere from 100 to 300 gold to pass to my character for safe keeping – Cowboy had a farming partner he could not trust.

Unfortunately, Cowboy also had a good friendship that consisted of broken English with a level 60 Warrior that was in the position to become the lead tank for his guild’s raiding runs. Do you know how much gold it takes to purchase a full suit of Dark Iron Plate, a Foror’s Compendium of Dragon Slaying, enchants, an Epic Mount, and various alchemy/engineering recipes? Well in excess of 4000g, or about a month of being Cowboy’s personal financial advisor.

It didn’t take him more than a minute to realize what had happened, after he saw my character decked out with all of his hard work. I would have sent Art of Warcraft pictures of chatlogs, but I /ignored all of his characters the moment I decided to purchase the Forors. It’s a good thing he told me that he didn’t like work there much in the first place, because I can’t imagine him working there much longer.

To summarize: Mothers, don’t let your children grow up to be Cowboy.


Best Use Of Someone Else's Account to Ruin The Game for A Large Number of People

This one goes out to the dudes that give their account info to a fellow guildie so their character can go on raids, when they themselves are unable to. Next time, when you do this, be sure to not piss off a guy in your guild with this information by skipping him over various loot rolls, despite the fact that the guy leads in DKP. Take extra care not to tell this person “What are you going to do about it, pussy?”

Finally, if you insist on inciting the “pussy” into logging into your account, which you gave him the password to a long time ago, at least have the common sense to change the password and not have the Guild Bank’s mule characters on that account. This is unless, for some crazy reason, you wish to come back from your 72 hour account suspension for “Racism and Homophobia” to seven characters, with nothing but the Tabards on their back.

Because, Akiva, I can promise you that Blizzard won’t do shit about it. Especially when I am one patient motherfucker that can wait to take revenge on a grudge a good two months after you kicked me from the guild. I’m sure those pubbies appreciated the Sulfron Ingots I sold for 30 silver however!


Best Method of Making Thousands on the Official WoW Message Board Pissed Off

People don’t know this yet, but our guild on a newer server has no intention of using the Scepter of the Shifting Sands we collected to open the gate this week. Not until our demands are met, at least.

Do you know how much gold we spent on Silk Bandages and Copper Bars to supply the War Effort? Too much. Do you know how much time we spent swimming along the coast of Stranglethorn Vale collecting Stranglekelp? Too long. And, because we are the only Alliance guild that can clear Blackwing Lair, let alone farm Molten Core, we think that we are more than entitled to our 10,000 gold ransom. After all, repair bills are getting more and more expensive, and I’m sure that between the five large end-game Horde guilds that are farming Nefarian the price tag is very reasonable.

I hope you guys are ok with us opening it up at 4am in the morning as well. No hard feelings, ok?

More The Art of Warcraft

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

About This Column

"World of Warcraft" has been sucking in cash and fat peoples' souls like a Ghostbusters containment unit, so it only seemed appropriate that Something Awful start up a section devoted to such a noble game. The Art of Warcraft tackles all the hot button ingame issues, and much more!

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.