Age - 50
Gender - M
Description: Hard-working father who runs the moon farm. His motto is "Work all day, sleep all night," even though a day on the moon is 30 times longer than on earth, so in order to follow his motto, he has to take large amounts of a methamphetamine substance known as "Moon Meth," which allows him to work for 30 days straight, followed by a withdrawal period during which he sleeps for approximately 30 more days.

Age - 41
Gender - F
Description: Dad's fiancée. Her favorite activities are Bible-themed word finds and watching Dr. Phil. These are also her least favorite activities, because the things we love can often be our greatest source of pain.

Age - 27
Gender - M
Description: Dad's son from a previous relationship. He despises Linda and how she has beguiled Dad with her feminine charms and her ability to cook meals and use a vacuum cleaner. If he could learn these skills, he'd be one step closer to dismantling the oppressive matriarchal guild that rules moon society.

Age - ~4,000
Gender - unknown
Description: The Moon Farm Family's next-door neighbor. He is always stopping by to borrow things, though he can't fit through the door, because he's a 15-foot-tall alien cyborg.

Dad is injured in a farming accident, causing a confrontation that will change the Moon Farm Family forever.

Scene: Living room. Linda is sitting on the couch watching TV and doing a word find. Dad walks through the door wearing a spacesuit, sans the helmet. He looks pale and starts coughing.

Linda: What happened?

Dad: One of the mooncalves attacked my lunar rover. There was a high-speed chase through some moon trenches and then a battle with the mooncalf itself, the long and short of which is the lunar rover is totaled and my spacesuit has ruptured, giving me decompression sickness.

Linda: That's terrible. Here, lie down on the couch.

Linda gets off the couch and helps Dad lie down on the couch. She sits next to him.

Linda: Do you want to do some word finds to take your mind off the horrible pain?

Dad: No thanks.

Linda: They're Bible-themed. I have New Testament or Old.

Dad: *groans*

Linda: What's the matter? Is the pain getting worse?

Dad: No, it's just that I realized that this is the most we've talked in months. Our relationship is failing.

Linda: Look, there are two kinds of people in the world: People who don't like Bible-themed word finds, and people who do. You and I embody those two types respectively, and the two types complete each other. They are both flawed halves of the larger flawed concept known as marriage.

Dad: But we aren't even married yet, not even by common law, or by moon law, which is even more lenient than common-law, because the moon is a harsh, lawless frontier where life is cheap and anything can be had at a price.

Linda: Well, I wanted it that way. The Bible forbids a man and a woman sleeping together out of wedlock, so this - our relationship - is my flirtation with sin. One must understand hell before one can truly understand heaven.

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.