Age - 50
Gender - M
Description: Hard-working father who runs the moon farm. His motto is "Work all day, sleep all night." A day on the moon is 30 times longer than on earth, so in order to follow his motto, he has to take Moon Meth, a super-potent type of meth that allows him to work for 30 days straight, followed by a withdrawal period during which he sleeps for approximately 30 more days.
Age - 41
Gender - F
Description: Dad's fiancée. Her favorite activities are Bible-themed word finds and watching Dr. Phil. These are also her least favorite activities, because the things we love can often be our greatest source of pain.
Age - 27
Gender - M
Description: Dad's son from a previous relationship. He despises Linda and how she has beguiled Dad with her feminine charms and her ability to cook meals and use a vacuum cleaner. If he could learn these skills, he'd be one step closer to dismantling the oppressive matriarchal guild that rules moon society.
Age - ~4,000
Gender - unknown
Description: The Moon Farm Family's next-door neighbor. He is always stopping by to borrow things, though he can't fit through the door, because he's a 15-foot-tall alien cyborg.
Dad is injured in a farming accident, causing a confrontation that will change the Moon Farm Family forever.
Scene: Living room. Linda is sitting on the couch watching TV and doing a word find. Dad walks through the door wearing a spacesuit, sans the helmet. He looks pale and starts coughing.
Linda: What happened?
Dad: One of the mooncalves attacked my lunar rover. There was a high-speed chase through some moon trenches and then a battle with the mooncalf itself. But the long and short of it is the lunar rover is totaled and my spacesuit has ruptured, giving me decompression sickness.
Linda: That's terrible. Here, lie down on the couch.
Linda gets off the couch and helps Dad lie down on the couch. She sits next to him.
Linda: Do you want to do some word finds to take your mind off the horrible pain?
Dad: No thanks.
Linda: They're Bible-themed. I have New Testament or Old.
Linda: What's the matter? Is the pain getting worse?
Dad: No, it's just that I realized that this is the most we've talked in months. Do you think our relationship is failing?
Linda: Look, there are two kinds of people in the world: People who don't like Bible-themed word finds, and people who do. You and I embody those two types respectively, and the two types complete each other. They are both flawed halves of the larger flawed concept known as marriage.
Dad: But we aren't even married yet, not even by common law, or by moon law, which is even more lenient than common-law, because the moon is a harsh, lawless frontier where life is cheap and anything can be had at a price.
Linda: Well, I wanted it that way. The Bible forbids a man and a woman sleeping together out of wedlock, so this - our relationship - is my flirtation with sin. One must understand hell before one can truly understand heaven.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.