At a Glance:Hulking WWE man-thing Joanie "Chyna" Laurer travels to China with then-boyfriend and fellow wrestler Sean "X-Pac" Waltman. Laurer spends most of the scenes that don't involve sex behind the camera filming Waltman hamming it up in various historic Chinese locations. Waltman comes across as a greasy buffoon with sexual insecurities and a terrible sense of humor. Laurer's disconcerting deep voice, plastic surgery resistant lantern jaw, enormous fake tits, scabby thighs, and terrifying clitoris make up the rest of the movie. This film is not for the weak of will or stomach and should come with a warning about seeing a man who looks like a wet Chihuahua spend half an hour sucking a girl's dick.

Nation of Origin: The sort of sleazy moronic cartoon version of America that exists only in the hearts and minds of professional wrestlers.

Languages: Man-thing grunts and heel talk in English.

Sexual Content: The camera work in this is handled by the stars and is so bad that (thankfully) most of the action is at least partially obscured. You will still get more than an eyeful of Laurer's freakish body.


If you were reading funnyjokeshaha.com this would be an Austin Powers quote."1 Night in China" is a documentary recreation of Richard Nixon's historic 1972 visit to Communist China in which the part of Richard Nixon is played by former WWE wrestler Joanie "Chyna" Laurer's three inch long pierced clitoris. The film purportedly comes from a home video shot by Laurer and fellow wrestler Sean "X-Pac" Waltman during a vacation to China. Despite the amateurish camerawork and heavy padding these claims of "leaked tape" seem like pure publicity stunt. The inept sex scenes feature camerawork worthy of a documentary on ant colonies filmed by Stevie Wonder on a boat during high seas. When the camera isn't out of focus or whirling wildly you get close-ups of body parts that make you wish the camera was out of focus or whirling wildly.

Roughly a third of the movie's running time is devoted to Waltman stumbling around China with a government provided Chinese tour guide and Laurer behind the camera. Watching these parts is like putting on the anti-American sunglasses that so much of the rest of the world seems to be wearing these days. What you see when you look at the screen is a heart-wrenching exaggeration of everything wrong with our country. The Chinese tour guide politely explains locations and Chinese history in carefully enunciated English while Waltman slurs around in leather pants, mocking China and being vaguely belligerent. It's the mist shrouded Great Wall of China followed by steroid-addled ex-wrestlers sweating and humping in a hotel bathroom.

Waltman declares himself "the craziest motherfucker you'll ever meet" and then, in the best moment of these sequences, turns to a giant painting of Mao Tse Dung in Tiananmen square and says "Chairman Mao…GAH-COW!". The tour guide looks at him with confusion and then Waltman says "we gotta go" as if any of the hundreds of bewildered Chinese people have the faintest idea of what he said. Hell, I don't have the faintest idea of what he said; he just looked at the picture and made a loud noise. It might have been his roid rage way of advising Mao to "suck it".

I think to get a less appealing concept for a pornographic road movie you would have to scrape out the Hollywood Squares and end up with Bruce Vilanch eating Whoopie Goldberg's ass at a Best Western in Kentucky. After spending a day walking around the world's biggest indoor flea market in Buck's Holler they would return to the motel to begin sliding their distended bodies against one another in the bathroom. Whoopie's usual fright wig would be matted down with Vilanch's various excretions and his glasses would be fogged with exertion as he hammers away at her, manhandling the camera until you're left with a close up of Whoopie's armpit hair and the audio of slapping flesh and Vilanch lisping jokes unfit for a "B.C." comic strip.

Waddya gonna do when the Wolfpac runs wild on you, China?!That should give you a good idea of how bad "1 Night in China" really is, but that's just an overview. Let's get down to the blow-by-loathsome-blow.

The movie begins with a montage of footage that is notable because it includes sex scenes that I swear to Vince McMahon are not in the full movie. That's probably just as well, but adding insult to the overall injury of the film the opening montage is set to a remix of Chemlab's "Exile on Mainline" that I hope and pray was not licensed. Actually, it probably was licensed because I bet Bryan Black needed to borrow money from them to start another hideous cyberpunk "band" that consists of him reading a component list for a Playstation 2 over the random bloops and bleeps of a cat running across a Casio keyboard. "Oh Jared, I just need ten grand and I can press my CDs of TECHNOCALYPSE 1.0!" and then Jared from Chemlab would say "sweet I love the line about 'transistor to ethernet in the digital age.' That is so sweet to the max Bryan how do you come up with such rich auditory vistas?"

Following the opening montage we get a series of clips featuring Sean Waltman acting like an asshole in China. After ruining any romance that might still be lingering around the Forbidden City, Waltman and Laurer retire to their hotel room. The footage inexplicably switches to black and white as Laurer emerges from their messy hotel bathroom dressed like something that crawled out of a swamp or drainage lagoon.

Waltman is so amazed by how incredibly attractive she looks that he exclaims, "Ahah, yeah, oh fuck. Damn. You're sexier'n a motherfucker. Wow."

Waltman continues to be complimentary offering several "wows" and "damns" as well as an explanation for his inept POV camerawork. Laurer strips him out of his leather pants and performs fellatio on him. She looks her least hideous in this portion, as the angle hides her physique and the lighting makes her look less like a male bodybuilder and more like Carrie Ann Moss with a giant goiter. Waltman has the good sense to set the camera down when he takes a more active role, treating us all to a prolonged view of his ass and loud slurping sounds as he spends nearly ten minutes with his face buried in the patch of horrors. The sex is framed no better, although the obvious editing makes sense later when you realize they were hiding the giant clit as a sort of whammy towards the end of the movie.

Waltman and Laurer trash another hotel room.Following the sex Waltman and Laurer head back out to experience some more of China. Minutes are wasted on Waltman hamming it up around the Great Wall, minutes that could probably not have been better spent within the context of the movie. If my choices are more motion-sickness and gut-churning sex or Waltman acting like a fucking idiot in public then I'll go with door number two. Laurer and Waltman return once again to their increasingly cluttered hotel room with Chyna in her bare bodkin on the bathroom sink. Waltman admires her Aphrodite-like beauty some more but once again fails to credit the extensive plastic surgery and the fucking crack he must be smoking that actually make her beautiful.

Before dropping to his knees and attacking the ICBM in the canoe, Waltman remarks repeatedly and self-consciously about the size of his penis. It's not that he has a particularly small penis, but compared to the monster heat that Laurer is packing he looks like a tea sandwich at the world's biggest sub competition. Chyna reassures him and X-Pac pays her back by performing extraordinarily loud cunnilingus on her. At this point we've caught some glimpses of the size of the clitoris, but we haven't fully seen a dead on shot. It isn't until Waltman opts to throw his Vienna Sausage down her Chunnel that we see Laurer's pierced clitoris. It's at least three inches long and the large piercing looks like nothing so much as a ring on a pinkie finger. If I was about to perform oral sex on a woman and she whipped something like that out I would be in the bathroom hunched over a toilet faster than Stephen Rea back stage at one of Maury's "Can You Spot the Tranny?" episodes.

Following some humping Waltman returns for more tongue action, with lots of slurping and sucking that is dreadfully similar to fellatio. Laurer's weird hormone-adjusted bass voice only adds to the surreal homoeroticism of the scene. Waltman then does her doggie style followed by a hardcore anal pounding. Laurer's ass is so covered with steroid acne that the blurry unsteady footage of Waltman railing on her grotesquely large anus looks like someone trying to shake a whole pizza off of their arm. The whole sequence - which is actually probably like five different scenes edited together based on the changes in lighting, clothing, and location - ends with an abrupt cum shot across Laurer's lunar surface.

The Horror: Do I really need to paint you a picture on this one? A giant woman who looks and sounds like a man with breast implants has a three inch long clitoris. I think this one is about as clear cut as it gets barring a snuff film review.

The Bottom Line: In a press release touting "1 Night in China", Joanie Laurer's publicist claims that Playboy's issue featuring her as the cover girl was the "best-selling issue in the magazine's history". What Laurer's publicist fails to acknowledge is that her issue of Playboy sold so phenomenally well because most people familiar with her wrestling career seriously doubted the veracity of her XX chromosome claims. People bought the issue because they wanted to either see a dick or see a freak show. After all, the Elephant Man was the most popular attraction at the circus, and it wasn't because people thought he was gorgeous. Instead of a clinical carnival of grotesquery, Playboy put Laurer through the usual high-pressure airbrush treatment and she came out looking like a foggy Xena nipple slip. Where Playboy failed to deliver, "1 Night in China" serves up a heaping helping of giant clitoris and mysterious stomach scars. Man at some point? Maybe. Steroids? Probably. Horrifying? There can be no doubt.

Acting:- 7
Story:- 9
Depravity:- 8
Originality:- 9
Erotic Value:- 10
Overall:- 43

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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