Last night, the final Prairie Home Companion aired. I haven't heard it yet, but here's exactly what happened.
6:55PM - Audience is asked to please, for the love of god, not vape during Garrison Keillor's final show. "He'll start vaping too," says a voice over the PA system, "then this whole show will just be vaping."
7PM to 7:05PM - Garrison Keillor slowly descends from the rafters while sitting on the world's largest wicker chair.
7:05PM - Commercial parodies nobody understands.
7:10PM - Two cowboys make fun of Snapchat. For ten minutes.
7:23PM - John C. Reilly impersonates a punkish, college-aged James Joyce. C'mon, please laugh, this is the last fucking one of these.
7:29PM - Guy Noir, Private Eye, finally reveals his real name: Mann Detectivo.
7:41PM - The Guy's All-Star Shoe Band plays bluegrass while Garrison excoriates a stagehand for understirring his Ovaltine.
7:44PM - An escaped patient from a nearby St. Paul mental institution wrestles away the microphone, improvises homespun gibberish for a while. He receives light applause, and later, a Peabody.
7:53PM - The secret ingredient in Powdermilk Biscuits? Liquid cocaine!
8:03PM - The secret ingredient in Bebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie? Liquid cocaine!
8:08PM - The Ketchup Advisory Board announces its full-throated support for Donald Trump. Half the audience faints into the arms of the other half.
8:48PM - A sinister man from The Dredd Corporation offers to purchase Lake Wobegon for fifty million dollars. Garrison asks the audience if he should "sell out." The audience screams, "Yes, you've earned it!" and Garrison immediately signs over the deed. Coming soon: The Lake Wobegon Mini-Mall!
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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