Clown Porn

Honey, I share your pain.There are two types of people in this world: those who hate or fear circus clowns and those who are circus clowns. When faced with "Clown Porn" this simple distinction leads down only a single terrible road of logic: that the movie is targeted at circus clowns. You are forced to picture the loathsome carnie den in which the sweating, wheezing, and grease-smeared clowns would slide this DVD into their off-brand player and sit down on a battered cot. With bulging bloodshot eyes they would stare intently, slavering and growing hideously turgid as they see fresh-faced young women defiled by the plunging meaty truncheons of their kin. With a groan and a bite on their lolling tongue the creatures would achieve their criminal pleasure and, at that final terrible moment, you can imagine the sound like crushing a blood-heavy flea between your thumbnails.

"Clown Porn" reveals the fang-mouthed menace of movie clowns like Pennywise from "IT" for the silly shams they are. These are real clowns and they are really having sex with women. There can be no doubt or room for comforting thoughts of movie magic. You see the rubber chicken being mashed against breast and the smudge of transferred makeup around razor burned vulva. You hear the honking of horn and wet splat of whipped cream pie on the face of an unlucky victim. You will witness the terror of clowns ejaculating and being ejaculated upon, and once you have it is something you can't unwatch. Pray for a miracle. Pray for a stroke. It won't matter. The images will race through dead cells, leap like lightning across burned out neural pathways, and sear themselves into the backs of your eyes like the word PAUSE into the center of your old TV. A knitting needle in your eye will make you forget your own name, but it won't ever take away "Clown Porn."

The movie begins with a young man and woman engaged in the tender act of lovemaking. The action is tame and likely simulated based on the strategically placed sheets. The two lovers coo and kiss and then, with a blaring two-second loop of terrible music, the clowns are sent in. Honking and fright-wigged, they burst into the room like a feral pack, throwing a cream pie into the face of the unlucky man and leaping onto the bed to assault the woman. Roll opening credits much to my temporary relief.

Dear Diary, this is the worst home invasion ever.Unfortunately, it turns out that the clown attack in the opening scene is just a taste of things to come. The next sequence begins with a young woman (possibly the same one, it's impossible to tell bleach-blond barely legal porn stars apart usually) asleep in bed with a storm crashing outside. She is awakened by a loud pounding on her bedroom door and a strange rattling sound on the floor next to her bed that turns out to be a vibrator. She leans over to pick it up and when she turns around two clowns are advancing towards her with duct tape akimbo.

"You know if you tape up my mouth I'm not going to be able to suck on your stiff clown dick." She informs them.

After a moment of clown consideration they drop their implements and trou so that the blond can set to work on their - sigh - clown dicks. I could spare you the realities of seeing two clowns having sex and say that the three way is fairly conventional by porn standards. This is a Horrors of Porn review so I'm not going to let you get away so easily. The clown in suspenders and a tiny black top hat spends most of the sequence at the head end of the blond while the rainbow-wigged clown in the Mickey Mouse gloves alternates back and forth between smudging his greasepaint on her crotch and molesting her with a rubber chicken. By the end of the scene the girl has so much makeup smeared on her that she looks like she went for a roll in the poison oak.

Auuuuuuggghhhhhh!The two clowns drain their mirthful code on her chest and the messy young lady bemoans their inability to deposit it on her face. While this is a vague whisper of a joke about a cream pie in the face it actually serves as a reminder as to why things like genocide happen. Then they throw a pie in her face and JESUS WEPT.

Speaking of ethnic cleansing, the second scene is a mixed race encounter that begins with a dorky guy named Dick answering the doorbell at his apartment to find a voluptuous sistah in a bright orange Pippy Longstockings wig and clown makeup. The Clownopatra Jones turns out to be Clarabelle, the girl that Dick had been courting via the Internet. Dick and Clarabelle hit the town for a hot date complete with a stop at an Italian restaurant that leads to a "Lady and the Tramp" spaghetti slurping incident. After the embarrassing mastication mishap we are treated to the internal monologue of both of them. Clarabelle chirps about how she is going to "fuck her some Dick" and Dick's inner voice is an over-amped Wilhelm scream. Variations of this are repeated throughout their pre-sex interaction.

Their date ends with a long walk on the beach that is ended prematurely by the unruly tide that is behaving suspiciously like thrown buckets of water. The two retire to Clarabelle's apartment to "smoke some weed" which means a pan across a bong over to where Clarabelle is smoking something illegal only in Alabama and Texas. The scene is made distracting, although not really pleasantly so, by the striped circus tent interior of the apartment. The action is conventional with the exception of frequent and exceedingly load horn-honking that was apparently being done by someone on the set as it keeps making the pair laugh. A mad honking fit and hysterical laughter accompany the obligatory money shot.

I'm so conflicted!Scene three is a real moral puzzler. It begins with two raver clown girls going to town on each other. Their vile paint is smeared everywhere important inside of thirty seconds and when the double dildo comes out so too does the rubber chicken. A fair amount of time is also spent smearing a cream "pie" over one another and then licking the mess up. While this sounds sexy you need to keep a few things in mind: they're wearing clown makeup, they smear whole handfuls of the stuff over each other, and the director seems obsessed with using Adobe Premiere's burn filter on minute long slow motion segments. When you use that filter on whipped cream it looks like baby shit. Clowns licking up handfuls of baby shit.

The moral dilemma comes when the full-length lesbian sequence segues directly into the girls double teaming a scrawny guy who looks like an asshole. Now, every guy fantasizes at least once and probably much more about having sex with two girls at the same time. Until now I had never stopped to consider complications to this equation, but when I saw the two clown girls rubbing their filth all over the guy the fantasy of every red-blooded male suddenly got difficult. Could I actually maintain an erection through the haze of primal terror? Would my fight-or-flight mechanism overwhelm my humping mechanism? Ask yourself these questions and maybe we can all learn a little bit about ourselves.

Badunkadunk aww in yer face when ya at the bed.Things take a turn for the even worse with the final sequence of the movie. Entitled "Daddy Was a Clown," it begins with an attractive pantless girl reading in bed. From olde timey title cards we learn that her name is Kelly and a besotted, filthy and foul-mouthed scumbag of a clown is her father. While she takes care of foamy business in the shower her father rolls out of bed, scratches his balls, farts and searches for a bottle of liquor. Comely Kelly finishes cleaning up and makes her father a sack lunch. In his rush to be a hideous drunken piece of shit Papa Clown forgets his sack lunch and heads off to work at the clown factory.

Realizing her father's mistake, poor Kelly heads off to the clown base (it looks exactly like Clarabelle's apartment) and is immediately pulled in by a guy in a suit holding a microphone. She's taking part in some sort of clown-themed gameshow (the direst gameshow theme of all) that involves clown contestants providing wacky answers to questions. When they get the answer "right" Kelly, who seems to be hypnotized she is so obliging, is coerced to provide them with sexual favors. She gives a clown named Chibbles a blowjob, a clown named Jizzy slides off her short-shorts and violates her from behind, and then a TV screen is wheeled up to her ass and a mime pretends to spank her. Maybe that last part was a fear-induced hallucination, but I don't think so.

"Daddy?" "Auuuggggggghhhh!"Lastly, Kelly is blindfolded for the exciting "mystery fuck." Having dropped his glasses earlier, her drunken father is brought in. Kelly spread eagles on top of a giant inflatable ball and receives disturbingly clowny sex from her grotesque father. I am happy to report that I cannot confirm that penetration takes place in this sequence, allowing me a slim sliver of hope that it was just an act. The "money shot" is provided by a Foley cheer from the canned audience and hundreds of packing peanuts raining down. With a triumphant yawp from her father Kelly realizes something is amiss, yanks aside her blindfold, and ultimate blooper! Her father moans in horror and the camera zooms in on his hideous face thankfully ending the ordeal for all involved.

The Horror: Definitely the "mystery fuck" sequence. By my subjective judgment the girl portraying Kelly is the hottest in any of my Horrors of Porn reviews and seeing her repeatedly violated by clowns is bad enough. When she is then humped by a panting old fat guy who acts like a professional hobo clown my nightmares, which I believe already surpassed, arose screaming from the ashes of my subconscious to wreak renewed psychic terror.

The Bottom Line: It would be pretty impossible to do a good job making a porno film about clowns, but what stands out to me the most this time around is that "Clown Porn" is just ridiculously poorly done. In an effort to…well, I'm not really sure what they were going for, the psychotics behind this movie crammed it full of terrible sound effects, music loops that are not looped correctly and only a second or two long, camerawork that makes Seymour Butts look like he was using a steady cam rig, and clowns born mewling from the womb of hell. All of the clowns are disgusting, but I can't get over how terrifying a black woman clown looks. She's like some sort of garish alien; "Communion" in day-glow whore paint.