The Complete Tom Sizemore Sex Tape Reader

Sizemore needs to save his own privates at this point.Tom Sizemore is probably best known for his roles in war movies like "Saving Private Ryan" and "Blackhawk Down." However, in the embarrassingly terrible movie "Paparazzi" Tom Sizemore played the role of Rex Harper, a member of the seedy tabloid media who was willing to harass and even assault stars to get good photographs. The movie was grotesquely narcissistic Hollywood garbage designed as a self-serving attack by stars against their perceived persecution at the hands of the media. You know, the same media they rely on to make their name and their fortunes.

Nothing could better reveal Hollywood's disconnect from reality than Sizemore's stalking paparazzi villain when compared to the real self-destructive Tom Sizemore. "I am going to destroy your life and eat your soul. And I can't wait to do that," Rex Harper says with bug-eyed menace. Meanwhile, in the real world, Sizemore has been fucking anything that moves, filling himself with drugs, filling a fake penis with urine and beating the Christ out of boney escort-wrangler Heidi Fleiss. He even brings his own broadcast-quality cameras!

With the release of his celebrity sex-tape - and barring a future murder rap - Sizemore's very visible circle of immolation has been completed. Tom's XXX consists of three of Sizemore's escapades with working girls divided needlessly into eight "scenes." The total footage is just under an hour in length and alternates back and forth between embarrassing sex footage during which Sizemore bemoans his flaccid penis and Sizemore's ridiculous egotistical monkeyshines for the camera. At one point Sizemore, dressed in bicyclist's gear with a toque on his head, wields a two foot long rubber dildo and literally whines that the two prostitutes (who are cleaning up a hotel lamp and bottle of wine he knocked over) are not paying attention to his antics. Sizemore is drunk, stoned, and breathtakingly stupid throughout the entire video.

Hi, I'm Tom Sizemore, and this is Jackass.His companions are shrill, equally stupid, obviously uncomfortable with Sizemore and attractive only in the same utilitarian way as a transmission gear or factory conveyor belt. Imagine sitting next to the guy who just spent half an hour eating your ass while he stares into a camera and denies having beaten his previous girlfriend. No wonder their moans seem forced.

The sheer volume of stupid quotes uttered by Sizemore in the video make it impractical to group the scenes into three longer movies for purposes of review. I have decided to stick with Tom XXX's choice to slice the three scenes up into eight arbitrary scenes.

Scene One

This scene comprises the first "sex tape" and frequently switches back and forth from normal footage and sepia tone. It spans a period of time I would place as roughly a day, but possibly a little longer since Sizemore seems to be waking up at one point. Sizemore appears alongside a girl named "Kara" who seems to be a prostitute that Sizemore has developed a pseudo-romantic relationship with.

IIIIII've got somethin' to say!!Scene one begins inauspiciously in sepia tone with Sizemore's beaked pumpkin of a head looming drunkenly in the camera frame.

"My name's Tom Sizemore…I didn't do it. I deny all culpability. I wasn't there. It hasn't been even remotely fair. Okay, so stick around. Have a good time. Might…have a good time."

What exactly he "didn't do" is up for debate as his crimes are myriad, although in this case he is probably referring to accusations of beating girlfriend and superhooker Heidi Fleiss for which he was convicted. From there it's a jarring manual cut to Sizemore jacking off for the camera and the reveal of his shaved groin and extremely classy tattoo consisting of HEIDI written in block-letters above his penis. Sizemore mutters, moans, and slurs instructions to a woman who is later identified as Kara. Her name might be Kira; Sizemore's pronunciation of her name is inconsistent and that's a real hallmark of a solid relationship.

Kara mounts Sizemore cowgirl style and the camera is placed on Sizemore's lower belly almost as if someone is using his HEIDI tattoo as a marker. The autofocus on the camera is thankfully unable to cope with the movement. Sizemore almost immediately begins instructing the girl to "cum, squirt on me" a sign that his perceptions of sex have been so warped by constantly fucking hookers that he believes his modestly-sized penis and a few wheezing thrusts can set women off like firecrackers. Or maybe it's just the erotic heat wafting off the tattoo of another woman's name.

The video switches to a perspective with a "great" view of Kara's ass as she rides Sizemore. His grunting and wheezing build to a crescendo as his hand fumbles around and his fingers seek out her anus. This is what folks in the industry like to call "foreshadowing."

Scene Two

Good news for people who hate good news.The second scene kicks off the footage of Sizemore's February 2003 tryst with two escorts. One is the previously mentioned Kara and the other is a hard-breasted stripper type named "Lana. Sizemore opens the video with another of his up-close and horrible soliloquies, this time on the nature of his intelligence.

"It's been my experience…and I'm not saying I'm smart, cause I'm not very smart, but I'm not stupid. Like I know like Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. He didn't write the constitution! See, that was a whole bunch of guys. Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Payne, Benjamin Franklin…whole bunch of cats. They were called the founding fathers. How 'bout that? And they wrote it…by…where? What city? Philadelphia! See, good for me. And I…you know what I paid attention to in school? Whose tits were getting bigger! That was like my main…I'm just being honest! That's what basically everybody is thinking about."

With a jump cut Sizemore is transported to a bed where Kara works his flaccid penis like a volunteer at an animal rescue trying to calm a wild rabbit during a leg splint. Then she uses her mouth and I think that's a clear-cut ASPCA violation. Sizemore wryly and somewhat incoherently complains about her attentions.

"You know what you would do if you were me? You'd let Kara suck your cock. [wheezing laughter] Oh, alright, what would you say? Hey, stop it, how dare you! I'm unmarried, I don't have a girlfriend, why do you want to do this to me? Why are you offending my sense of…mmm…why is she doing this to me? What's wrong with her? She has a disease! It's called co-a cock-she's a cock sucker. See what I'm saying? Look, In all seriousness, truth be told…having my choice between…sucking a cock. I mean having my cock sucked, and going to jail, I'm going to pick having my cock sucked. Given a choice between going to war and having my cock sucked I'm going to pick having my cock sucked. Given a choice between fuckin' Heidi and having my cock sucked…[laughter] trick question! She wasn't much for givin' head. Ah, you know what, this is a fictious Heidi, not the Heidi you think it is."

*snotdrip*Cut to Sizemore's HEIDI-emblazoned pubic area slapping against Kara's backside. You also get a good view of Sizemore's ridiculous wristband with the word "CAPTAIN" printed or stitched onto it. Kara stimulates herself with a vibrator while Sizemore takes her from behind and repeatedly prompts her to "yeah, fuck yeah, cum super hard!" Sizemore seems obsessed with making the girls in his videos orgasm, although he is a very demanding lover, often prompting them to cum the instant sex begins or constantly throughout intercourse.

The video ends with Sizemore in the bathroom with Lana, who did not participate in his earlier action with Kara. Sizemore complains about her stomach making him angry and then, ever-felonious, declares he will commit a crime by watching Lana urinate.

"Look at that stomach. Everything in this house is makin' me pissed off. That stomach is pissin' me off. You know what's wrong with that stomach? It's hard and pretty."

"This stomach wants to go piss," Lana interjects.

"Okay, the stomach has to piss, it has a personal problem. Like my friend in the other room Kara, she has a cocksucking problem. I'm gonna commit a crime. I'm gonna watch Lana pee. That should be against the law. I'd rather do that than bomb Iraq."

If I had a choice between…sucking a cock. I mean watching Lana pee and bombing Iraq…I'm gonna choose bombing Iraq. Fuck the Iraqis.