It's one of the biggest music events of the year. It's clumsy, overbearing, shallow, nonsensical, nationalistic, and devoid of live music being played or words being sung out loud. It's the Super Bowl halftime show, and it's our country's way of opening a hotel room door in The Shining.
The daring Nintendo robbery, Dark Souls II may or may not be for babies, The War Z guys are jerks that you should not give money to, and Forbes discovers the most amazing Kickstarter game to date.
Not having been stabbed by a gang member is easily one of my greatest accomplishments. People who know me well often tell me that it's my defining characteristic. When they think of me, which is rare, it's the only thing that comes to mind. What's my secret?
If all goes according to plan (an awful, terrible, plan) the New Orleans Hornets are going to become the New Orleans Pelicans. This bold move is one of self-sacrifice, immediately taking the Washington Wizards and Toronto Raptors off the hook for having the dumbest team names in the NBA.
Traveling is probably the best way to go to a place. I'd be hard pressed to think of a better way to get somewhere. The only problem is that traveling requires you to do things and make decisions from time to time. Sure, it's a hassle, but don’t give up just yet!
PSY has taught his dance to people on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, The Today Show, Extra, Saturday Night Live, a Formula One race, and most recently in a concert with Madonna. There's no end in sight, and we're happy to file a report every single time PSY teaches the dance to someone new!
Michael Skupin promised his team that he would provide food. After a week they caught on to his lie, realizing that the plates he handed them only contained imaginary steaks. To make matters worse, an emotional Skupin admitted that the steaks were laced with imaginary poison.
After performing in the entertainment industry for decades as Snoop Dogg, a man experienced a profound spiritual enlightenment. He found Jah, and through his newfound rastafarianism, was reborn as Snoop Lion. Now he has a music video for microwaveable snacks.
Suppose the game had been approached with no regard for the original, every decision reached by appealing to the broadest audience possible. What would that have looked like?
Having a problem with The Eddie Murphy Role Playing System or one of its critically acclaimed modules (Crimson Lords Of The Undertide Crater, The Secret Treasure Of Captain Boss Killingblow, Mega Troll Invasion)?
Strutting into the cozy shop, the hero flashed an insincere smile and sighed. He shook his head while surveying the shelves that had been meticulously stocked. Gingerly plucking one item up with two fingers as if it was a poison-covered bugbear turd, he turned to the shopkeeper.
Some people say that the guests on my television show are predatory snake oil salesmen, that I abandon my ethics every time I stand before an audience of displaced Oprah fans and shill for pseudo-science while proclaiming that western medicine is closed-minded. Others have not seen the show.
People are burning down the cities in which they live. Blind rage compels them to turn on one another. They drop to their knees in the rubble-strewn streets and claw at their own flesh as they moan, unseeing eyes rolling back into their heads. The outcry for a modern video game about cavemen and dinosaurs is tearing apart humanity as we know it.
Ladies and gentlemen of the board. Greetings. Mom, Dad, thank you for showing up. Your "We Love You" banner does not come anywhere near the measurements that I specified. Holy shit, you guys. Not even close. Still, your hearts are in the right place, and I reluctantly acknowledge that.
You have reached the Super Friend Hotline, where all the loneliest superheroes are pretty much just sitting around and awaiting your friendship. Listen to our eager heroes introduce themselves, then press a number on your touch-tone phone to connect with your favorite one now!
While the cart is in motion, keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle - unless there is something that you really want to grab or kick. For instance, a bodacious cake shaped like a tight butt falls out of the sky, or a different cake descends, this one in the form of a soccer ball.
Individuals who claim to have been physically attacked by their loyal Robot Buddy must fill out this form before matters can proceed. This will undoubtedly be a very stressful time, given your frail and unpredictable human emotions. With that in mind, please fill out the form with the assistance of your Robot Buddy.
Jack White is the busiest man in music. The guy has been involved in efforts of every shape and size, from bizarre ICP collaborations to full bands and solo albums. Good for him, bad for people that only have a few hours each day to keep track of everything he's making.
It's hard to believe that nearly thirteen years have passed since Wild Wild West captured the imaginations of moviegoing audiences worldwide. Now the film only lives in our memories. It spreads from person to person, around campfires and on impromptu stages by traveling play actors.
Although we all have our own weird body issues, we're mostly fine. Really, we are - as long as we keep reasonably active, eat food that isn't entirely plastic, and apply at least one basic grooming tool to ourselves every few days. Until we hit our late twenties and early thirties, that is. Then all bets are off.
As The Old Republic condenses its servers and considers moving toward a free-to-play model, I am going to humbly suggest two changes that would turn the entire game around. There would still be lots of little issues, of course, but these two things would get me to come back to the game for many months to come.
Custom Deathmatch: Low gravity. Instant respawns. Quad damage pickups. No pistols or sniper rifles. Round ends at 50 frags.
Being told to "Move!" or "Run!" or "Hurry!" down a narrow path which must not be veered from. While all sorts of things happen around you. Things that look like they would be really fun to interact with, if you weren't so busy running and being yelled at.
We will fill a plastic cup with ice cream, and attach that to a mannequin's hand. A crewman will lay on the ground and manipulate the arm as if it is yours. He will ineffectually bump the cup against your entire face for about a minute while your soundalike makes exaggerated chewing noises into a microphone.
In a few days I will burn all of my clothes and possessions. I will don a loincloth, thick fur boots and wristguards. An x-shaped leather harness will hug my manly torso, fastening one sheath on my back for a broad two-handed sword and another on my chest for a MacBook.
I was more than happy to keep this to myself. For years I conducted my operations in stealth mode, my talents known only by the select few who occupied the upper echelons of computer expertise. Then, as the internet grew exponentially, so did the hollow bragging from pretenders to the throne.
In which I recall the entire story of the Diablo series for your benefit, completely by memory. This will go well.
Sometimes you come to a chapter break in a book or a movie's end credits and you blink, remembering your surroundings. It's very rare for me to lose myself in a video game in such a way. It happened with Grim Fandango, Psychonauts, Portal, the Half-Life games, and now The Walking Dead.
Making a movie look good is more complicated than setting up some lighting, pointing a camera in the right direction, and hoping that no ugly people walk into frame. The most common tricks of the trade would seem outlandish to most people outside the industry.
I arrived for basically training with the other sorta soldiers, our inner tubes depositing us roughly near the camp-like facility. Some inner tubes passed the dock, drifting down the river and over the horizon, their passengers and the officers ashore shrugging at one another.
Welcome to the hot dog pizza procurement zone. You may be experiencing some confusion and early signs of a dissociative disorder. This is normal. We have provided this document to help you along in your attempt to obtain a pizza with hot dogs baked into the crust.
There is a fine line between enemies that present a challenge and those that are simply annoying. Actually, that's a lie. The line is pretty wide. Think about the gap between our fantasies when we first heard about motion controls and the horrible reality that came to pass. It's that wide.
Internet Guy can be seen arguing below YouTube videos, following various internet articles with comments like "cute... im surprised this place is still going so many years after it stopped being relevant", and begging celebrities whose work he pirates to follow or RT him on Twitter.
Now we know that the inevitable Assassin's Creed III will be set in America during the Revolutionary War. I'll be there on day one with everyone else, but in the meantime how about some predictions?
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant is a television program in which human beings relate actual tales of stealth fetuses that did not make their presence known until they dropped a smoke bomb and rappelled out of the womb.
Every now and then, film turns a piece of music into something far more memorable than it would be on its own. Consider the torture scene from Reservoir Dogs accompanied by 'Stuck In The Middle With You' by Stealers Wheel, or the chilling use of the Jaws theme in Jaws 3D.
Hey, kiddo. Mind if we come in? Your mom and I would like to have a little chat with you. It's... an announcement? No, I suppose that's not the right word for it.
Start the fight by running along a wall in slow motion and kicking one guy in the face. Try to get his head to spin around and spray a fine mist of sweat into the air. Land with your back to everyone else, slowly turning your head to smirk over your shoulder.
Somewhere in the core of Mass Effect is the promise of a nuanced adventure in a detailed sci-fi universe. Unfortunately, that promise has largely been swept aside in codex entries and overheard NPC conversations as the series tightens its desperate embrace of big, dumb action movie conventions.
I wear a black ski mask at all times to hide my face. I carry a symbolic broken magic wand. My velvet cape has a large icon sewn across the back, a red circle with a line through it superimposed over a rabbit being removed from a top hat. They will never find me.
Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning makes one hell of a weird first impression. If it was a dude introducing himself at a party, he would be wearing a silk dragon shirt, an inexplicable layer of dampness would cover his entire body, and the first words out of his mouth would be a quote from Stargate SG-1.
Things are going well. Maybe you got a new job, or you received a few gift cards for Christmas, or you finally decided to cut the cable tv cord and get all your shows and movies online. Now you have some disposable income in your pocket, and suddenly that stealth bomber you've always wanted is within your price range.