If you get stopped by a police officer for speeding and you want to get out of a ticket, try playing cops and robbers with him. Cops love that game and you probably won't end up getting a speeding ticket at the end of the day.
If you stare at a red light for long enough it'll eventually turn green
texting while driving is extremely dangerous but can be made safe by making sure you remember to look up from your phone every few seconds.
Ace of Baes
if you drive behind a cop car with its sirens on you're allowed to go through all the stop signs and traffic lights
if you are in a hurry and absolutely need to speed, call 911 and report an accident a little ways past your destination to ensure all traffic cops are preoccupied.
Ace of Baes
if you don't use your turn signals it'll be a lot harder for asassins to follow you
make sure other drivers know your opinions on trucks by having a Calvin sticker urinating on the brand you don't like. if your weird and don't have strong opinions about truck brands, then just go with your least favorite Nascar number or obama instead.
if you see an empty truck with the little ramps for cars, it is an invitation for you to ramp off it and score at least 500 points
getting pulled over? to get out of a ticket, quickly have your wife stuff a pillow under her shirt, pour water on her crotch, and start doing breathing exercises
note: this trick works best if she is physically in the car with you
That driver in front of you who doesn't seem to be entirely in one lane or the other? They're an advanced traffhack jockey exploiting the next big thing: microlanes.
the sound system is the most important factor when buying a new car. if you can't hear the car screaming, then it's not broken. all cars can scream
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.