Ultimate Baseball Online 2007
The Goon Ckrew initially wanted to form a baseball team to harass other teams in the league. However, so few people actually play this game that only about nine teams existed and none of their members were ever on at the same time. We were also never informed of when we could form a team. No where in the FAQ or forums does it say what level left fielding short stop or how many rotting hot dogs you must consume before you can create a team.
I finally discovered that I needed to be level ten to make a team and after doing so, no one could join as I was the only person who ever made it to level ten. This was largely in part that the pitcher of the winning team is always the game's MVP and the only person not to lose experience if his team is to lose. You could hit home runs until your balls bleed but if the pitcher throws one strike out he ends up being the MVP.
As a kid I played center field and was roughly number twenty-two in the batting order, even in tee ball. Though the team only had ten or eleven people, it was to insure that I would not "give the other team free outs". This didn't bother me too much as I don't normally enjoy having a tightly wound ball of pain hurled at me at 80 miles per hour. However, in virtual baseball I am an all star level ten pitcher with pitches that defy every law of physics that you fancy pants scientists could swing a bat at... or some other dumb baseball metaphor.
Personally I have never been a big fan of baseball or it's neatly trimmed grass. Possibly the most boring sport to watch, baseball is able to put me to sleep faster than the bottle of Nyquil I drank before writing this article. In fact, I am bored even writing about baseball and if this article is boring and unfunny, I blame baseball for being such a black hole of excitement. Thanks a lot baseball! People were actually beginning to enjoy my articles before you came around (I think)!
Out of boredom while pitching in the sixth inning of the Royal Rumble or whatever the baseball's super bowl is called, I compiled a list of other baseball themed games that would be more fun than Ultimate Baseball Online 2007.
- Urinal Aim... the Game: The object is to huddle around a giant circular urinal and try not to look at other player's cocks while you try to piss on a pole that is in the middle. Good Luck!
- Concession Stand Madness: You are a parent that brought his kids along thinking that they would have the attention span to watch baseball. Unfortunately, their constant complaining has driven you to the concession stand to find something to shove into their oddly shaped mouths. Navigate the never-ending lines while your kids cry and annoy others in this test of patience. Don't worry, when you get home you can "teach them a lesson with some leather"!
- Umpire Heckling: Sit in the stands and yell at the umpire no matter what he calls. Every insult will result in "cool points". In order to refill your "insult meter" you must consume large quantities of beer. Fun for the whole family!
- Blimp Navigator 2010: Navigate a giant advertisement for name brand tires in a slow yet steady circle around the stadium. You would have exciting controls such as, "drift slowly to the left" and "float aimlessly for a few hours".
The list may be lacking as I have never actually attended a baseball game in person that I know of. Perhaps I have gone to many but the aura of boredom has wiped out all memory of attending. To make the game even more boring, Kal wrote a script to automatically hit the ball -- a "virtual steroid" if you will. Without even having to actually play the game, Ultimate Baseball Online resorted to be the worst thing it could possibly be: a spectator sport. As a nation we watch baseball out of guilt to others that it is "America's greatest past time before television" and we must watch it out of patriotic valor. No one actually likes baseball and if they tell you otherwise they are probably a terrorist trying to blend in.