Any of you queers remember Xena?
No no no! This isn't right at all!
Since I started writing for Something Awful my sexuality has come into question more than a few times. I constantly get emails asking if I am gay. Every week I get into these conversations that go something like, "You're gay." "No, you're gay." "No, I think you'll find that you're gay." "No, you're gay." "You're the one who's gay." Even Lowtax has questioned my sexual orientation. One day he called me and said that he was going to fire me if I was gay and if I wanted to keep my job I would have to straighten up like a normal red blooded American. I was expecting to get a pink slip handed to me the very next day but I beat up enough queers that night that he let me keep working. I wasn't sure what prompted this mass investigation of who I fuck and why I fuck them but I don't blame you for asking questions. I went back and reread some of my previous updates and the reason became clear. I write like a fruit. In fact, here is an average email I get about my sexuality. Take a look for yourself.
Spokker I've been reading Something Awful for a while now and I have to ask, are you gay or something? Because I read your articles and I get a definitive gay vibe from them. I mean, come on, an update about ducks? Sand? That update where you went gay for cats? What's next, an update about Xena? Come on you faggot fuck. Stop writing about such gay shit. Please. It's driving me insane!
Normally I would answer with a resounding "HELL NAW I AIN'T NO HOMOFAG" but when I tell you what I'm going to say next my entire stance against my own homosexuality will go flying out the window. I watch the television show Xena: Warrior Princess.
Alright, stop laughing. Come on. I can wait all day. It isn't that funny. Come on! STOP LAUGHING YOU JERKS. Christ, moving on... Xena debuted in 1995 and enjoyed moderate success until it crashed and burned somewhere in 2001. Since then Xena has been elevated to a status where just talking about it and reminding people that the show once actually existed is funny. It's like everything they talk about over at X-Entertainment.
Holy shit! A board game no one ever heard of from the 80s! Wacky! Oh wow! The Super Mario Bros. Movie! Look at us, we're talking about Krang from the Ninja Turtles! Our lives are so horrible now that in order to keep ourselves from putting a bullet in our skulls we have to get all nostalgic about the stupid shit our parents wasted their money on to get us to shut the fuck up 15 years ago! Star Wars toys?! THIS IS THE SHIT YOU GOT BEAT UP FOR IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND NOW YOU'RE EMBRACING IT? YOU FUCKING MENTAL PATIENTS SHOULD BE LOCKED UP IN AN ASYLUM SOMEWHERE AND GASSED AND YOUR CORPSES HARVESTED FOR ORGANS BUT THEN WE REALIZE WE CAN'T USE YOUR ORGANS BECAUSE THEY ARE ENCRUSTED IN CHEESE.
Anyway, Xena is like that. The very fact that I'm simply bringing it up is funny. The fact that I'm even admitting that I watched the show is funny. Getting someone to admit they watch Xena is like getting Frolixo to confess that he stole my Super Mario Kart and never gave it back. You mother fucker I know you have it. And when I can prove it's you you're going down you red-headed freaky-looking bastard. I wrote my name on it in crayon for Christ's sake.
There is no doubt in my mind that the funniest goddamn thing in the world are pictures of people who dress up as Xena. Jesus Christ look at this one!
Most people who watched Xena saw it on lazy Saturday afternoons when nothing else was on. Saturday TV is the worst. You could choose between either an infomercial with that guy in the Riddler costume who goes on about FREE MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT, Eye on L.A., talking to your significant other, or Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. Since Hercules is for fags and Xena has hot chicks running around with their tits flopping all over the place most people decided to watch Xena but they would never admit to it. No one talked about it in real life. I guess a show that depicts bad actors with huge pecs and boobs running around poorly constructed sets and interacting with Bryce 3.0 quality special effects is not exactly water cooler conversation, but you watched it. Come on, admit it. You tuned in on Saturdays, sat down, and watched Xena. Slowly your hands drifted to your balls and you massaged them ever so slightly. Oh yes, that's it. Rub 'em a little harder. Oh yes... Admit it! There's nothing to be ashamed of my friend. A lot of people watched Xena.
In order to understand the show you must be aware of three things.
1. Xena has plot holes so big you could drive a Wikipedia editor's ego through them.
2. The fighting is stupid. The show is stupid. And you're probably stupid for watching it.
3. Lesbian subtext.
The debate over whether or not Xena and Gabrielle are lesbians has been raging on in the fat Internet nerd community ever since the show began. In fact, there is a whole goddamn web site dedicated to this pointless shit. This site reads like entries in a journal of medicine or something. Look at these articles. Sapphic subtext? Subtext or subconscious? Serendipity and Meta-Subtext?! It's a fucking television show! Look, these people are all full of shit. These obsessive dykes have no clue what they are talking about and once again it is up to me, Spokker Jones, to set the record straight. I have written a little no nonsense guide to Xena subtext that will prove once and for all that Xena and Gabrielle were lesbians.
Big Gay Spokker's Guide to Subtext in Xena: Warrior Princess
Xena: Warrior Princess is a campy action drama about two chicks in ancient Greece that help those in need and rid the world of murderous warlords and power hungry kings. It's a fantasy show that deals in swords, magic, and over the top fighting scenes. Also, there is no possible way that two women could travel around in ancient Greece looking the way they do without their pussies rotting and smelling like wet dog. I was disappointed that in the show's six year run that they never dealt with feminine hygiene and how they kept so fresh... down there. Or maybe women were just naturally smelly back then and didn't have the technology we have today. It's like how you can get used to being inside of an Oriental's house. The initial smell knocks you flat on your ass but you eventually get used to it.
Woah, wait until I tell all my friends I posed for an embarrassing picture with a fake Xena!
Around the end of the first season the producers of the show began inserting little hints into various episodes that indicated to the audience that Xena and Gabrielle might be lovers. These subtle nuances have sparked a huge debate online about whether or not Xena and Gabrielle are indeed lesbians that still rages on to this day. Anybody who argues about this is a stupid shithead because it is clear that Xena and Gabrielle are carpet munchers and ate each other out constantly during the show's 134 episode run. In the following guide I will reveal to you the delicate subtext that is inserted into various episodes and we will finally be able to put this embarrassing debate to rest.
Episode: Is There A Doctor In The House?
Synopsis: Xena and Gabrielle become doctors when a war breaks out and everybody is dying and Xena invents CPR and the Hippocratic oath despite the fact that a woman never invented anthing useful in the history of mankind.
Subtext: Some say that the first instance of heavy subtext in the show's history happened in this episode. At the end of the episode Gabrielle is wounded and becomes unconscious. She eventually goes into cardiac arrest and stops breathing. Xena starts pounding on her chest and forces air into her lungs. Eventually Xena revives Gabrielle and the day is saved.
Some say that this was the first "kiss" between Xena and Gabrielle but they are completely full of shit. She was trying to save her life you perverted assholes! There is nothing romantic about it. And because you immature bastards can't take a little CPR without giggling like sixth graders you missed the real subtext earlier in the episode.
With the help of a DVD player you can see the very subtle subtext that director T.J. Scott inserted into the episode. During the first fight scene freeze frame at 12:03:49. You can plainly see a 12-inch pink dildo sticking out of Xena's asshole clearly marked with the name "Gabrielle". I have deduced that this is Gabrielle's dildo and Xena forgot to remove it after their intense love making session.
Episode: The Quest
Synopsis: Xena has died and it's up to Gabrielle to find the ambrosia and revive her I think. I'm not sure. I forget the episode but Xena was definitely dead and that queer sidekick from Hercules had a cameo in the beginning of it.
Subtext: The subtext in this episode is heavy. Near the middle of the episode at 23:34:55 Gabrielle sees Xena in a dream. At the end of the scene they move in for a kiss and just as they are about to touch lips the scene cuts to Gabrielle and Autolycus kissing. You see, Xena's spirit was inside of Autolycus so it is debatable whether or not it was Xena or Autolycus that initiated the kiss.
Later in the episode Gabrielle is sitting next to Xena's coffin lamenting over her dead friend. Freeze frame at 33:17:44 and you'll notice something peculiar. Gabrielle is fondling Xena's left breast and writing anti-Semitic remarks on her tits with a Sharpie. This is what we call a "goof" in television. I guess they missed it in editing!
In the same episode there is a scene where Xena and Gabrielle go into the woods and have sex. Oh those writers and their subtext!
Episode: Been There, Done That
Synopsis: This episode is a rip off of that movie with Bill Murray. The one where he lives the same day over and over. It was on my local ABC affiliate the other day.
Subtext: By now it is the third season and fans are already suspicious that something may be going on with the two main protagonists. This episode only serves to confound viewers even more.
At around 16 minutes into the episode Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer are walking through a village and Joxer looks at Xena and asks, "Is that a hickey?" When he says the line check out the look on Gabrielle's face. She sort of bites her tongue and looks down as if she was embarrassed about something. This indicates to the viewer that Gabrielle might have given Xena the hickey.
Later in the episode Xena and Gabrielle finger fuck each other while sucking on each other's tits. Xena says, "Oh Gabrielle I love sucking on your luscious breasts. Your nipples are like sweet cherries." and Gabrielle says, "Let me lick your pussy." By now fans are pretty much aware that something is going on, but they are not sure what it is.
Episode: A Day in the Life
Synopsis: This episode follows Xena and Gabrielle on an average day in their travels
Subtext: This is probably the most blatantly subtextual episode that has ever aired. Not far into the episode Xena and Gabrielle meet up with a guy named Hower. He says that his village is in danger of being destroyed by a giant so Xena and Gabrielle travel with him to his village. Along the way Xena stops to fish and Gabrielle talks to Hower in the distance. Hower asks why Xena does not travel alone and Gabrielle says, "She likes what I do." We can only conclude that Gabrielle is good at eating out ass and that's why Xena keeps her around.
In another scene rife with subtext Xena is mad at Gabrielle for selling her whip to a local villager. Xena says, "This is the last straw Gabrielle!" and takes her behind a barn. In the next shot Gabrielle emerges from the barn while rubbing her mouth off with her arm.
In an emotionally charged scene Gabrielle says goodbye to Xena as she prepares to go meet the giant face to face. Xena says to Gabrielle, "I might not make it. One last time, I would like you to dress up in your amazon costume and dominate my ass." Gabrielle proceeds to get naked and puts on her amazon costume complete with spikes and crotchless panties. Xena lays down on the ground and Gabrielle stands on her back. She screams, "YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY XENA. WHEN I SAY 'FUCK YOUR OWN ASSHOLE WITH THE HANDLE OF YOUR SWORD' YOU SAY 'HOW DEEP MASTER?!' YOU WILL ONLY COME WHEN I TELL YOU TO. IS THAT CLEAR, BITCH?!" Xena replies, "Oh God. Yes master." Gabrielle demands that Xena begin to fuck her own ass with the butt of her sword. Gabrielle takes a frying pan and inserts it into her vagina. Gabrielle allows Xena to come only a little bit and then makes her stop by pinching her clitoris with a clothespin. Xena squirms as the pressure on her pussy mounts. Gabrielle forces Xena to scoop the girl cum from her own pussy onto her face and eat it. Gabrielle then bends over Xena and farts in her face. Soon other female characters get into the action and start fucking each other in a fantastic display of sweat and farts.
Unfortunately this scene only aired once and has been a controversy in the Xena community ever since. If you don't believe me just click (WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK) here (WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK). This image more than proves that Xena and Gabrielle were lovers and we can finally put this whole debate to rest.
Through my completely scientific examination of the subtext present in the television show Xena: Warrior Princess we can only conclude that Xena and Gabrielle were indeed lovers. Take that you Whoosh bastards. To the six of you still reading this update, what's wrong with you?