Jose Canseco, this is an offer to you and your crew. I am prepared to give $1,500 US Dollars to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America on your behalf. All you have to do is poop in a diaper, and then pour milk on the poop in front of me. This is a completely serious offer. Just meet me somewhere, anywhere, a place of your choosing. No one else has to be around. It could be your home, your office, a place of business, even a dressing room somewhere. Anywhere you like. Just get me there with you. You'll pull your pants down and reveal your diaper. Then you'll pull your diaper down, and it will fall to your ankles. The diaper will contain at least one poop of yours. We will both look at it and then make eye contact. At this point you will grab at least one half gallon of milk, break the seal on its container, and pour it on the poop. The entire container of milk, Jose. Pour it all on the poop. It's important that you pour all of it on the poop. I will record as much of it as I can on my phone, Jose, but I will blur out your genitals if the camera picks them up. Your business will be blurred out heavily-- on this you have my word. I only want to record the milk hitting your diaper poop, Jose. Just let me record that, that's all I want.
One Thousand and Five Hundred American Dollars can go to the charity of your choosing, Jose Canseco. The choice is yours. I originally chose the Boys and Girls Clubs because it sounds like something you'd support, but you can choose another worthy charity, if you like. Just poop in a diaper for us. That's all it takes. Nobody will think any less of you, Jose. You're a legend. Just take a big giant poop for us. Please, do it. We need it.
The only stipulations are: You must be the maker of the poop that's in your diaper. No one else could have made that poop, and it cannot be a false poop. It must be a Jose Canseco Poop. Furthermore, I must be present to witness you pouring the milk on it. Me, as in me. Your agent or yourself can contact me via Twitter. I need to be there to see it happen. You must drop the diaper to your ankles and pour milk on the poop. The milk needs to be at least 2% or greater. No 1% or skim milk, please. Soy or almond milk would be even worse. Buttermilk would be ideal but I understand if you don't want to use buttermilk. I might give like $50 more if you use buttermilk, though.
I must be allowed to record the event with my phone and post the results online. I will blur your genitals and/or butt if necessary. Only your poopy diaper will be visible. Please, Jose.
You may NOT substitute Ozzie Canseco, your brother, as your stand-in. It must be you, Jose. No tricks, no deception. That poop needs to be yours, and you need to be there to pour the milk on it. We are smart enough to know the difference.
I actually grew up a fan of yours. You, McGwire, Eckersley, Henderson. That was my team growing up. I'll even wear my Oakland Athletics shirt, which is an actual shirt that I own, believe it. And you know, on your Twitter, you talk a great deal about topics that seem to show you have a heart for doing what's right. Please, Jose, poop in a diaper and pour milk on the poop for the greater good. Others have already pledged additional money for charity. You could even choose a charity of your choice, Jose.
Please, just poop in a diaper for us, and let us record you pouring milk on that poop. It will only take about 20 minutes of your time, Jose. We can do it together.
I look forward to your response.
Prepare yourself for quite possibly the most effective use of "BOWL" as a sound effect.
Who needs three months of endless summer fun? You have a career!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.