Marc Norton, Furniture Gremlin
In Cleveland, there is a gremlin named Marc. He sells furniture. Sure, Marc is no different than most furniture-selling gremlins, except for the fact that this particular gremlin has a series of commercials. Commercials that make women barren. Commercials that turn children into rapists and murderers. Commercials that make you doubt your sobriety, even if you didn't just end a tear-filled telephone call to your ex-girlfriend. Marc's 30-second late-night nightmare fuel has made him part of Cleveland's "local color," which means that everyone is making fun of Marc without him knowing it - sort of like when William Hung graced the American Stage and our country was delivered an Asian stereotype we hadn't seen since Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's, or even Jim Nabors in Disney's Herbie the Love Bug Meets a Gook.
If only these people knew the power this dark spectre of furniture holds.
I come to you today because it's unfair for Marc Norton to be shared with only the seventh most dangerous city in America. And even though I view his half-minutes of spooky hate and rage from the safety of my home in the ninth most dangerous city in America (a mere 75 murderous miles away), it would be a shame if the works of Marc Norton were not witnessed by the Something Awful audience - whose trips to the corner store are hopefully unlike mine, which resemble speedruns of Contra. Keep in mind that in order to showcase these commercials, I must employ the greatest resource that the Internet has ever known: YouTube. So if you happen to be viewing this article one day after it's published, keep in mind that the nature of YouTube means that these videos can go down or get replaced with Naruto anime music videos at the drop of a hat. That is why you should treasure this evil while you can.
To begin, we must start slow with the sanest commercial of the bunch: