When I made fun of Avenged Sevenfold a few months back, I didn’t expect any major reprisal, because who in their right mind actually likes Avenged Sevenfold? Nobody in their right mind, apparently. But I got about a billion hate-mails from people in their wrong minds. A selection of these messages lies below.

UPDATE: In the time since this article was written, Avenged Sevenfold's dead gay drummer has died, and is now gay and dead. Immediately following his gay demise, Avenged Sevenfold fans the world over have somehow stumbled drunkenly into this article and are now sending me tons of email about it, despite the fact that it was written years ago. In order to control the flow of email regarding this dead gay drummer, I'd ask any fans emailing me about this matter to use the subject line "AVENGED SEVENFOLD FANS ARE RETARDED AND I AM ONE OF THEM." Any email not bearing this subject line will be automatically deleted by my mail client. Thank you!

hello dr.dumbass Avenged Sevenfold is the face of metal now you just get over yourself because it's not gonna change you can hate all you want but these guys are in the spot light you wish you could play as good as them all you can do is be behind a computer monitor and write about successful bands go get a real job dickwad.

-ray vengeance

While I do agree that writing for a widely hated and largely irrelevant internet comedy site isn't what most people would consider a "real job," I submit to you that it's still more of a "real job" than being in a cutesy-metal band with silly names. Those guys might make millions of dollars more than the average working man, but at the end of the day a bricklayer can rest his weary eyes easy, sated by his own blue-collar dignity, thinking "at least my name isn't Rikky Batwingz or some shit like that."

YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE

AVENGED SEVENFOLD IS THE SHIT
YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER
I HOPE YOU DIE AND BURN IN HELL
YOUR MENTAL DONT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THEM ILL FUCKING CUT YOU
TAKE THAT CRAP OFF NOW DICKFACE!!!!!

-Jennifer Gutierrez

It's amazing that even though we have this wonderful new thing called e-mail that makes instant communication cheap and reliable, people still find it necessary to use the classic conventions of the telegram.

YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! U DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT THEM!!!!! HEY IM A FUCKING 14 YEAR OLD AND UMM IM NOT GUNNA END UP A PREGNANT STRIPPER BECAUSE OF A BAND!!!! AND IF U EVER BEEN TO ONE OF THERE CONCERTS YOU COULD NOTICE THAT THERE GUITAR SOLOS ARE REAL AND UHH THERE GUYS WHAT DO U EXPECT THEM TO DO PUT OTHER GUYS IN BRAS AND UNDERWEAR IN THERE VIDEOS??? LOOK AT THE MUSIC VIDEO GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS FROM CRUE...ONE OF AVENGED SEVENFOLD'S IDOLS......THEY HAVE ALOT OF GIRLS IN THE VIDEO AND I DONT SEE YOU COMPLAINING!!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP YOU OPINIANS TO YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!

-Chitchatgrl247

It may be true, Chitchatgirl, that you will not end up a pregnant stripper because of a band. You will end up a pregnant stripper for any number of diverse and inevitable reasons, which may include your love of Avenged Sevenfold, but may be entirely peripheral to it. You may become a pregnant stripper because of your crystal meth habit, or because you were abused as a child, or simply because I am going to devote about 3% of my mental energy, from this day forth, to willing you to fail. Hey, it probably won't make any difference, but when you do fail, it'll make me feel psychic.

Are you bored? Do you really have so much time on your hands that you use it to write hypocritical columns on bands that aren't to your taste? Shut the fuck up, please. Your words are a waste of space. Yes, you have your opinion as so do I, but do you see anyone bashing things, such as Tool, or whatever you listen to? I'm sure you and I probably listen to some of the same things, so your in the same category as me, even though I listen to Avenged Sevenfold. Just because you think what you listen to is oh-so-god-like, doesn't mean you prancing around talking shit is going to solve anything. It's not fact your music is "the best". Can you play the guitar the way Zacky Vengeance and Synyster Gates can or the way M.Shadows uses his vocals? If you can, then I congratulate you. But seriously, talking down on anything or anyone doesn't make you any bigger, it just shows how much of a fucking pussy you are. Use some neurons and do something constructive.

Sincerely,

Johanna

First of all, no, I am not bored. I'm tickled pink by all this glorious hate mail. I'm amused. I'm giddy. Also, I'm not sure that you understand one of the fundamental concepts of the internet: my words aren't wasting space because, amazingly enough, they take up no physical space! All my words are paper-free and 100% electronic, which is a great boon to the environment. What's the matter, Johanna, do you hate trees? Quit living in the paper age and get with the times. Well, at least you didn't write me a telegram, but you're still a miserable luddite.

You are by far one of the most IGNORANT and idiotic people I've ever come across. I'll bet you're judging Avenged Sevenfold based on one, maybe two songs because if you've ever seen them live or listened to any of their older stuff then you'd take that article and shove it up your ass.

Unless you can pick up a guitar or a pen and pad and do half the shit they do then I suggest you keep your mouth shut.

You're entitled to your opinion and all and I respect the fact that you don't like them, but don't write bullshit some bullshit article without an ounce of truth in it.

The band isn't going to stop and break up tomorrow just because you wrote some inane article about them.
You must be some little pathetic sack of shit if you live your life running trash talking artists like this.
I sincerly hope you and your ignorant opinions die a slow and painful death.

Good day.

-Dana F

You know what? I don't think you respect the fact that I don't like them at all! Sorry Dana, I refuse to dignify this letter with a detailed response because I don't consort with liars.

You're stupid, Avenged Sevenfold is one of the best bands out there and obviously you don't know what the fuck real music is. They didn't know they went into a teeny magazine or else they probably would've said no, don't put our picture in there.

It's stupid how you want attention, seriously. People care so much about Avenged Sevenfold and you go and write an article on them about how they suck.

They have the best solos I have ever heard by Mr. Synyster fucking Gates and Zacky Vengeance.

Their names are awesome.

And they were on TRL cuz they can be, they wanna do a lot of things with their career and one is being on that show showing how great their videos were, so what if people got mad about it, they make their own choices and that's what makes them unique and awesome.

And anyone who has ever listened to all 3 cds and actually read their lyrics and understood what they were about, is a great fan. We don't need to read your stupid shit about one of the greatest bands that has ever came out there.

So take it and shove it up your ass and go find some hobbies, asshole.

-Chelsea

I will agree with you on one point: Avenged Sevenfold does indeed have the best solos I've ever heard by Mr. Synyster fucking Gates and Zacky Vengeance. No other band has ever had better solos by those two men, and perhaps no other band ever will. As far as solos by Zacky Vengeance and Synyster Gates go, Avenged Sevenfold has the motherfucking game on lock.

YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW REAL MUSIC WHEN YOU HERE IT CLOWN WHY DON'T U FUCKIN WAKE UP TO BE HONEST I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS WHAT YOU THINK I JUST GOTTA STAND UP FOR REAL MUSIC U FAG

-Justin

Justin could give exactly one fuck less what I think... but one fuck less than what?

YOUR A FUCKIN ASSHOLE, U HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO DISS AVENGED SEVENFOLD LIKE U DID. U FUCKIN PIECE OF SHIT. NOT ONLY 14 YR OLDS LIKE AVENGED, THERE ARE OLDER PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM AND RESPECT THEM AS A BAND. IF U CANT SEE THEIR TALENT, IM SORRY. YOUR ONE LOW ASS SON OF A BITCH. IF U WENT TO AN AVENGED CONCERT I BET YOUR MIND WOULD FUCKING CHANGE, WAIT A MINUTE WE DONT WANT MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE YOU AT THEIR SHOWS AND EITHER DO THEY, YOUD PROBALLY GET UR ASS KICKED THERE ANYWAYS. SO FUCK YOU AND GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF AND DIE.

-LoveNTears84

Actually, my right to say mean things about Avenged Sevenfold is protected by the United States Constitution. In fact, I could go so far as to call them "pants-wetting, mincing sissy-marys," which would not be classified as libel because it's "fair comment or criticism," and also because it's demonstrably true.

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According to Dr. David Thorpe and "Your Band Sucks," the music you hold dear is actually unimportant, dull, and staggeringly awful. Everything from folk music to terrorcore-techstep is absolute garbage that has somehow fallen off the trash heap of modern music and found its way into your CD player.

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