Stop Natural Disasters Before They Start... with Democracy!
Natural disaster humor is getting really popular these days. I wonder what that big "C" is for.
Like so many others around the world, we here at Something Awful are following the devastation caused by the earthquake and tsunami that has hit many parts of Asia and east Africa, mainly because we think it will make up for all those evil deeds we have committed in the past. However, there is one story that is not getting the international attention it deserves. In the midst of this horrible crisis the people of India have not been able to deal with India's "untouchables", or Dalits. These are the lowest class of people who live in India and the upper caste simply cannot deal with all of the lowly men, women, and children who need food, water, and shelter. In response to this growing epidemic we here at Something Awful have set up a charity that will help the higher caste Indians build a giant wall around their relief camps in order to keep the Dalits out. We hope that you can find it in your heart to donate to these victims of slight annoyance. Keep the Dalits out! With your generous contribution we can reach this goal.
By now you've probably all heard about the earthquake/tsunami super combo that decimated the Indonesian coastline about two weeks ago. Anybody who knows me personally for any length of time knows that I am vehemently anti-natural disaster. If you asked me at any point in time, "Would you enjoy a natural disaster right now?" I would probably say no nine times out of ten. I absolutely hate natural disasters. When the Northridge, California earthquake hit in 1992 I was incensed. When the Mississippi River overflowed it's banks in 1993 and swept away entire towns I was steamed. When hurricane Isabelle touched down in Florida in 2003 I said enough is enough. Something needs to be done. Someone needs to speak out against these natural disasters, and I am that someone. I am sick and tired of getting pushed around by earthquakes, floods, and hurricanes. Tornados are okay because those make up a portal to Munchkin Land where I run a successful lollipop business.
So this tsunami killed thousands of people, caused billions of dollars worth of damage, and some people are already trying to pin the blame on someone. Some people are saying that it was the Jews. Some people are saying that it was caused by joint American and Israeli nuclear testing. Some idiots are even going as far to say that the whole thing was caused by the Swedes. I say let's give the fag haters the benefit of the doubt and believe that what they claim is true. I mean, they should know right? Anybody who fellates their cousins must know what they are talking about! Okay, fair enough, but this tells you a lot about God. He has horrible aim and apparently can't read a map. Wrong hemisphere, God! Sweden is a little higher and to the left. If God really hated Swedes and wanted to destroy them all he would have hit Sweden, and only Sweden, with a tsunami, not Indonesia. I don't understand it. So no, it wasn't God, it wasn't the Jews, and it sure as hell wasn't me. But I do know who did it. The culprit was right before your eyes all along. All the blame belongs to good old Mother Earth, and let me tell you one thing.
The bitch is fucking pissed.
The Earth? The Earth you say?! What are you talking about Spokker Jones?! The Earth isn't a person! The Earth can't do anything on it's own! It doesn't have free will or the ability to make prank calls! You're off your rocker again Spokker and I refuse to listen to this anymore. Good-bye!
Here is a depiction of a common natural disaster. The snowy mountain catches on fire which causes earthquakes in the trees which in turn cause the sky to flood.
Wait right there, señor. I've seen enough horrible, horrible, horrible anime in my day to know that the Earth is very real. If those empty nights of playing Final Fantasy VII and crying about the fact that I will never ever get laid have taught me one thing, it's that the Earth has a soul, an energy force, a heart. Every time you sift your fingers through the Earth's soil you are tickling the Earth. Every time you plant a tree, the Earth feels it. Unfortunately, every time someone dumps toxic waste into the ocean, pollutes the air, or shits on my lawn, the Earth chokes, gags, and wheezes. Hundreds of years of dumping, deforestation, and Friends reruns have turned the Earth into a mean, angry bitch. She is, in effect, harming herself in a feeble attempt to get rid of us. But she isn't stupid. No sir, I've had lunch with the Earth she is quite intelligent. From observing us through history she has learned that we are indeed very dumb creatures. She knows what if we ever found out that the she was behind all these disasters we would declare war on the Earth. We would destroy the Earth and ourselves before Jeff Goldblum shows up and explains that we need to actually travel to the center of the Earth and upload a virus into the core or something like that. No, the Earth isn't an idiot. That's why she has spread religious propaganda about a "God" that is both vengeful and omnipotent. God is up there and He's watching over us. He hates the faggots and will do anything to stop them. The whole idea that God sent an earthquake to San Francisco in 1989 to stop the spread of AIDS? Nope. That was our Mother. Earth, you really are something. You fooled us all. Unfortunately you didn't foresee that an 800 pound woman with a beard would give birth to an old chap named Spokker Jones. I am ready to put you in your place honey, and it all starts with this update. Earth, you have met your match, and that's democracy.
What follows is the actual bill that I hope to pass in congress that will finally make natural disasters illegal, at least in the United States. If a natural disaster hits anywhere in the United States, the perpetrator will be caught and charged under this Act. If found guilty the criminal could face up to a millennia in prison. We will finally have the power to put Mother Earth in jail, where she belongs. Here is the bill.
H. R. 3717
To make unlawful the initiation and facilitation of a natural disaster in any of the 50 U.S. states.
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,
SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.
This Act may be cited as the 'Fuck This Shit Act of 2005'.
SEC. 2. UNLAWFUL INITIATION OR FACILITATION OF NATURAL DISASTERS.
No person may initiate, facilitate, or participate in the creation of a natural disaster. Natural disaster is defined as a/an:
(5) Blimp attack
(6) Potato famine
(7) O.J. trial
(8) Star Jones
(9) New Wal-Mart opens in your area
An exception shall be made for tornados because many people use them as portals to Munchkin Land where they make very successful livings selling lollipops to the midget freaks who wear a lot of bright colors and dance like pricks.
SEC. 3. PENALTIES INCURRED FOR THOSE FOUND TO HAVE PARTICIPATED IN THE CREATION OF A NATURAL DISASTER.
If it is deemed by a United States Court Judge, or a guy who really thinks he is one, that a person has been found guilty of participating in the creation of a natural disaster, he or she (honestly though, what woman could pull something like an earthquake off? Am I right here folks?) shall be imprisoned for infinity years and fined a gajillion zillion jermillion dollars, though that figure would come down substantially.
SEC. 4. IMPLEMENTATION.
This Act shall go into effect 600 years ago and is retroactive.
Thank you and God bless. Included in this bill are some Jolly Ranchers and a mini snack-size Snickers bar.
When this couple's house caught on fire their arms grew to four times their normal size!
See, no more disasters. No more pain and suffering. No more earthquakes tipping over my Empty Nest VHS tapes organized by original air date. It takes so long to organize them. We have finally cornered the Earth and can now live free knowing that she cannot terrorize us with her disasters anymore. To the opponents of this bill, let me ask you, have you seen any natural disasters since I created this bill? No? Then shut up. In celebration of this momentous occasion I would like to announce that all through the month of January all Munchkin Land®Brand Lollipops are 20% off! This is my gift to you America.
Of course, the Earth might call our bluff because we have not yet figured out how to actually jail the Earth. Don't tell her I said that. So the prospect of even more natural disasters loom over our heads because the Earth is a giant cunt. What can you do? Protect yourself of course! There are several ways to prepare for natural disasters and I shall list them here.
Spokker's Professional Tips on How to Survive a Natural Disaster
Protip #1: Discipline the Earth every time it does something wrong.
If we continue to let the Earth push us around it will. Every time you feel the ground shake or it rains too much and your 5 million dollar mansion in Malibu falls into the ocean... again, go outside and hit the ground with a rolled up newspaper while saying, "Bad!" and "No! We don't do that! No!" While this has the possible side effect of your neighbors committing you in a mental institution and looting your home and stealing all your triple penetration pornography, who cares? Why would you listen to me anyway?
Protip #2: Don't sleep naked.
Every time there was an earthquake in my neighborhood we always got to see who slept naked. After an earthquake there would be several people standing outside with a pillow covering their genitals. Folks, if you live in an area prone to earthquakes, wear some pajamas please. If you are a hot chick with massive breasts please disregard this info.
Protip #3: Please don't make jokes that the fat kid in the neighborhood must have fallen out of bed.
Better watch out! Earthquake is coming for you!
Folks, when I was young there was always a kid in the neighborhood who would make this joke after an earthquake. I fucking hated it. It's the stupidest goddamn thing you could say and he did it every single time. "Holy shit dude Paco fell out of bed!" Ugh! Then you would go to school and people would say it, only with another fat kid's name in place of the last fat kid. Please stop! This joke is more played out than Photoshop Phriday. It's not that I like fat people, I just can't stand this joke whenever it's told anymore.
Protip #4: Don't be gay.
If you are gay then God will kill you with a volcano, a flood, or the cancellation of The O.C.. God hates homosexuals and will do everything in his power to stop them from corrupting our children and reality television shows. Marriage is between a MAN and a WOMAN or a very feminine looking man. If you can trick God into thinking your partner is a woman or a man then go for it. But he will be triple angry when he finds out!
Protip #5: Don't live somewhere that is called "The Ring of Fire".
The Ring of Fire is a zone that encompasses Indonesia, Japan, the west coast of the United States, and the west coast of South America. 81% of the world's largest Earthquakes occur here. Now I'm no big city lawyer or nothin' like that, but if someone told me that I was moving to a place called the Ring of Fire, I'd change course and move to the Ring of Hicks in the south-east of the United States instead. Sure there would be hicks and grandpa on granddaughter orgies but at least there wouldn't be any fucking earthquakes.
Protip #6: Tornados are more afraid of you than you are of them.
When a tornado touches down on land many people's first instinct is to run away from it. This is WRONG and will only make it more angry. Tornados can smell fear. Simply stand your guard and make yourself look bigger than you really are while growling. This will show the tornado who's boss and drive it away. Many people can be saved by this ingenius technique.
Protip #7: Tag along with a helpful turtle.
Turtles are nature's taxis. Many of you have probably read the story of how a baby hippo teamed up with a helpful turtle and went on a fabulous adventure together. Remember, if you are ever in trouble, grab onto a turtle and everything will be all right. Last year I was having trouble with the IRS about my tax return. So what I did was, I jumped on a turtle and he settled my dispute for only pennies on the dollar. I love turtles.
That's all the time we have for today. We hope you enjoyed this update. We know that you have many choices for news and we are glad you chose Something Awful, the number 1 web site for natural disaster humor. Thank you and have a safe evening.
Note: To learn more about Dalits in India check out http://www.dalits.org.
The Weekend Web: Serving you since 1906
Hello internet friends, Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez here with something you can do to pass the time until you have to go back to the hell that is your job tomorrow. We have some great forums today full of wonderful people who masturbate with their cousins, enjoy ninja role playing, and hate gay people. Just take a gander at this beauty of a post!
Big money! Big prizes! I love it!