A gentle Stegosaurus eats a plant, a really really really really long time ago. Today he is oil.

The scene at the start of The Land Before Time where there is an earthquake and the mother dinosaur dies is one of the saddest moments in this history of the entire world. The movie, along with it's sequels The Land Before Time 2: The Land Before Timer and The Land Before Time 3: Ape Escape! are great monuments to the forgotten heroes of this planet - the gentle and noble race of the dinosaurs. A lot of people have heard of dinosaurs, and if you have not then you are completely stupid, but how much do we really know about these great creatures? Not a lot, because man has not set his eyes upon the majestic dinosaur since he lived in a cave (yes, cavemen did live with dinosaurs. I saw it in a movie.) I would like to use today's update to educate you, if not to entertain you. But then if you are reading my updates to be entertained you should probably go to the ocean and look for a whale to live in because you are obviously crazy and deserve a nice whale. I will tell you about the magnificent beasts known as dinosaurs by answering some common dinosaur questions.

What is a dinosaur?
In a nutshell, dinosaurs were big, green animals that lived a really really long time ago. Of course you couldn't really fit a dinosaur into a nutshell, not even a coconutshell, because all dinosaurs were huge. A common misconception, fueled by anti-dinosaur Zionist propaganda such as Jurassic Park, is that there were many varieties of dinosaur in all shapes and sizes. This is not true at all. Every single dinosaur was a huge, hulking, brute that spent all day eating plants, sleeping, and sleep-eating. Actually I think the word "brute" may be a little harsh, because dinosaurs were gentle and caring. The Tyrannosaurus Rex has been portrayed as a terrible monster by many, but the truth is he would not hurt a fly. Unless the fly was really badly injured and in a lot of pain and had to be put out of it's misery for it's own sake, in which case the T-Rex would put the poor fellow to sleep quickly and humanely and would probably cry a little while doing so.

What kind of dinosaurs were there?
There were only five different varieties of dinosaur in total. All were big and green.

"What a lovely rock." Thinks this Diplodocus. "My, it is exquisite."

"Dippy" the Diplodocus was a big, green animal that would feast on trees all day. He would use his long neck to grab the tastiest leaves from the top of trees. When not eating leaves Dippy could often be found walking to the closest tree to eat it, or asleep, dreaming about eating leaves.

"Steggy" the Stegosaurus was a big, green animal that would feast on plants all day. Steggy did not have a long neck like his friend Dippy, so he would eat the plants on the ground. All the other dinosaurs were careful not to step on these plants and ruin them because they knew Steggy liked to eat them. Such graciousness is very rare these days. I believe we all could learn a little something from these prehistoric gentlemen.

"Bronty" the Brontosaurus was similar to his cousin the diplodocus, only bigger and fatter. However he was not greedy, his weight was something he had absolutely no control over. The other dinosaurs did not mind his huge size and never even mentioned it to him. He also liked to eat leaves, but in moderation because he was always aware of his size. He could often be found eating leaves. Slowly.

"Topsy" the Triceratops had three stupid horns on his head for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It was quite ridiculous. The triceratops, like all dinosaurs, only had a small brain but he made up for it with his big heart (some dinosaurs even had two hearts). To this day no one knows what he used his horns for, but it is likely he did not even notice they were even there. That is how stupid he was. The triceratops liked to eat plants and sleep.

"David" the Tyrannosaurus Rex protected the other dinosaurs from attackers, such as snow and tumbleweed. A fearless leader, the T-Rex would give his life for the rest of the herd, but he never had to because dinosaurs ruled the earth. This meant he had a lot of free time on his hands (or hooves I suppose) which he mostly spent eating plants.

I am looking at a thing. Is it a dinosaur?
Maybe. If you can see something that you suspect may be a dinosaur, there are a few things you should ask yourself before drawing any conclusions:

Is it big and green? For example I am looking at my cat who may or may not be a dinosaur. He certainly is big, that is for sure. However he is not green at this moment which makes me suspect that he is not a dinosaur at all but a cat. That is a weight off my mind, let me tell you!

This T-Rex Sleeps as the world collapses around him. Soon he will be charcoal. (Yes it is a T-Rex please do not insult my drawing skills.)

Is it alive? If it is alive then it probably is not a dinosaur, since dinosaurs are extinct. However if it is dead then it is also probably not a dinosaur, unless you have a dead dinosaur in your house. If you do have a dead dinosaur in your house then I honestly don't know what to say, except "Oh wow."

Ask it "Are you a dinosaur?" This is a trick question. If it replies "Yes," then you can be sure it is not a dinosaur, but a liar. Dinosaurs are far too brainless to have even a basic grasp of language. If it replies "No," then you can trust it because it is speaking the truth. If it does not answer at all, then it may or may not be a dinosaur. You will have to investigate further to be sure. For example if it is soft, long, has cushions and people on it, and faces a television set, it may be a couch.

Hopefully these simple tests will allow you to determine whether or not you are looking at a dinosaur. If you are still unsure, look at one of the beautiful pictures on this page. A lot of them have dinosaurs in them. If you conclude that what you can see is a dinosaur, offer it cake. It is really the least you can do.

What happened to the dinosaurs?

The terrible dino-rabbit war will forever live in infamy. Click for big.This is a tragic and heartbreaking story that I have trouble recalling without tearing up. Around one hundred or one million years ago or something, a new and barbaric species of animal was born on Earth. This creature was so terrible, so evil, and so savage that the dinosaurs were caught completely unaware. They had never witnessed such cruel ruffians and they were forced to abandon their peace-loving ways and engage in a bloody and terrible war with this new foe, the rabbit. Why the rabbits had to fight the dinosaurs no one knows. It is possible they could have lived in harmony, but it seems the rabbits were so filled with evil and hatred that they knew of nothing other than making others suffer. The battles lasted weeks, and the only thing that stopped the dinosaurs from giving up was their relentless hope that righteousness would prevail and their complete and utter stupidity. It was no good. Eventually the dinosaurs' spirit was destroyed, and they were consumed in a fiery hail of malevolence and hate for anything that is pure and good.

Such a sad tale is hard to believe. As much as I would like to wish it is fiction, it is not. However, like the little baby dinosaur in The Land Before Time who's name I forget because I have not seen that movie since I was six years old, we can all learn something from nature's beautiful behemoths. Life is good when everyone is kind. We should all eat a lot of plants and sleep a lot. Do not trust the bunnies.

– Tom "moof" Davies

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.