Welcome to MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility!
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen for coming out today for the 13th annual grand opening of MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility, a joint business association venture brought to you by the folks at Globo Trans ChildrenCo and MegaFunCorp Inc. International! We're proud to bring you the same world-renown quality, customer satisfaction, and enjoyment that our award-winning products such as "Little Tyke's Liquid Beehive" and "My First Jihad" have provided to you, the customer, for the past 200 decades! Each year has provided tremendous new growth potential and critically acclaimed features at the MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility located here in scenic Muerto Bay, Texas, and this year looks even better! Strap yourself in for a wild ride because we've got so many exciting things lined up this year for the MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility that the government will probably try to legally prohibit us from letting you enjoy them! No, we're serious, they're drafting lawsuits as you read this. Please lobby your Congressman and ask them to change or completely outlaw civil lawsuits so we can continue to provide you, the customer, with the level of quality that you've grown to love. We're not kidding, start writing now. Stop reading and start writing this very instant, we're dead serious.
2003 will undoubtedly be one of the most fun and exciting years here at the MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility, as we've got a ton of new rides and features to unveil for the anticipating public! Unfortunately, a couple of our previous projects were recently canceled either due to budget cutbacks or because of ex-employee Jack Burtrell, a government mole who pretended to be a lowly deep fried cheese apple vendor outside of the majestic "Whispering and Moaning Tree Playland." Thanks to Jack's backstabbing deception, the US government forced us to close down the following rides and features:
"Journey Into the Center of the Pavement" (safety regulations, additionally the cost of rebuilding the concrete road between each ride was expensive)
"The Incredible Poorly Built and Collapsing IMAX" (collapsed)
"Try to Touch Me Here: The Ride You'll Never Forget" (safety regulations, opposition from anti-pedophile activists who acted all high and mighty even when we showed them pornographic digitally altered images of their own children)
"Hypodermia" (nearby experimental science laboratory changed the locks on their doors, thereby prohibiting us from breaking in and taking all the needles from their one room full of monkeys and people in airtight suits)
We would like to sincerely apologize to all the people who enjoyed these wonderful additions to our theme park. We'd also like to express our deepest sympathies to Ed and Margaret Henderson who were so excited about "The Incredible Poorly Built and Collapsing IMAX" that they decided to remain inside the theater and refuse to move even after we offered them the chance to see their kids alive and receive a check for $1,000,000 if they agreed to stay locked inside and chained to a radiator until we failed to warn them of the impending collapse. Our hearts go out to you Ed and Margaret Henderson, and we promise to send your surviving relatives a $15 savings bond and coupon to The Sizzler as a generous compensation, unless of course we don't feel like it, and we currently don't.
FUN FACT: MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility has never once succeeded in causing the entire planet to explode!
While things may seem all gloom and doom, we here in the corporate headquarters couldn't be happier! This is mostly due to the outrageous amount of pure, uncut heroin which we received as a sizable donation from our stockholders in Columbia, but it might also have something to do with the incredible lineup of super fun we have planned this year! As Heinrich "The German" Streuss recently quipped in an executive meeting, "there's so much goddamn fun here that I think my brain just fucking busted open and exploded all over my pregnant wife!" While Heinrich's sentiment thrilled the marketing people and almost created an advertising campaign based around his quote, we unfortunately had to scratch that idea, as MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility does not like to insinuate that only a man and his wife should visit our amusement park. We'd love to bring in as many filthy prostitutes, diseased homosexual lovers, and illegal immigrants hiding out from their bail officer as possible! Don't just bring your wife; bring your wife and her lover too! Invite his illegitimate kids and break the news to them on the "Rocky Relationship Roller Coaster" beside the lovely "Highway to the Child Endangerment Zone!" MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility wants to provide a fun and exciting experience that everybody can enjoy, and if we can also make a few bucks by disposing of hazardous medical waste by filtering it through our drinking water pipes, then that's just even better! Now get ready for good times, as we're ready to unveil our three newest rides for the 2003 year!
"Well, You've Done It Now!" - Everybody knows the 1980s were the pinnacle of cultural achievement, outranking all of mankind's accomplishments from the Industrial Revolution to Ancient Greece, even before all its citizens turned rampantly homosexual and therefore caused the good Lord Jesus Christ to burn down their entire city in a gay orgy of fire, philosophy, and advanced mathematical geometry which had numerous 90-degree angles. One of the most memorable events in the 80s was definitely the trend where children began falling down wells nonstop for half the decade. You literally couldn't walk 10 feet without hearing a news report about some dumbass kid plummeting down a well, and children literally couldn't walk 10 feet without plummeting down a well. The government, unable to solve this bewildering well crisis, decided to enact a law making it illegal for any child under the age of 25 to walk anywhere at any time. This legislation soon put an end to The Decade of Well-Wishing, and the 80s came to an abrupt end. However, there are now generations of kids who aren't able to experience the feelgood joy of falling down a well in the middle of Bumfuck, Alabama, and these kids are growing up to become crack dealers, crack junkies, and Gamespy employees. "Well, You've Done It Now!" will provide an educational experience, allowing children of all ages to fall down a series of wells out back behind the place where the guy at the funnel cake stand dumps all the pulsating yellow substance at the end of the day. Once your child has fallen or been thrown down a well of your choice, MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility employees dressed up as emergency workers will swarm over the well and pretend to start brainstorming ways to remove your child from the damp deathtrap. Soon a team of fake reporters will come by and stage a mock news coverage, interviewing you and asking such hard-hitting questions as "did your child fall down the well?" and "there is a child at the bottom of the well. Is he yours?" After a few days, we'll eventually grow bored of this little staged tragedy and we'll probably go home. I don't know what you're supposed to do at that point, maybe call up ex-President Reagan and try to squeeze some information out of him, who knows. Good luck with that.
"Boiler Room: The Ride" - Who can forget the smash 2000 Giovanni Ribisi / Vin Diesel hit movie "Boiler Room," a tense and fast-paced tale about some unscrupulous young men selling bogus stock? This movie, a "Wall Street" for the Generation X crowd, was a powerful and gripping saga of human greed, lust, and power, and represents the sole movie where Vin Diesel drove a car valued over $50,000 yet failed to crash it into another car, causing a slow-motion fiery explosion shown from at least six different camera angles. "Boiler Room: The Ride" will sweep excited patrons, who will be called "investors," through a crowded office full of 20-year old professionals frantically calling people on the phone and forcing them to purchase stock for companies that don't really exist. After a lengthy series of twists and turns through the office, the coaster will shuttle off into Seth Davis's home-turned-casino, giving customers a glimpse of the entrepreneurial spirit he left behind in order to work for JT Marlin. From there we'll travel to Seth's parents' home, just in time to see his dad get a phone call from his friend informing him that JT Marlin is a chop shop fueled by scams and being investigated by the FBI. Celebrity Ron Rifkin impersonator Jim "Fireshoes" Blasco provides a stunning performance as Judge Marty Davis, registering shock and disappointment upon learning of his son's illegal occupation. The ride will conclude with a trip through the parking lot as FBI and government authorities raid the offices, carting away expensive automobiles and criminal mastermind Michael Brantley. Look for a special appearance by Ben Affleck as "the guy nobody really gives a shit about, yet nobody will shut the fuck up and stop talking about him."
"Pointer Paradise" - It's no secret that C++ is the language preferred by many professionals and coding firms across the world. So what's a better way to introduce kids to this powerful and dynamic language than by taking them on a beautiful tour through "Pointer Paradise?" Many industry experts answer this question by shrieking, "nothing! Nothing could be better than this! Absolutely nothing! This idea is infinitely better than any idea which could ever potentially exist in any dimension! Oh god, please, just tell me if my wife is alive!" As one of the more complex concepts of this language, pointers have turned off many potential computer engineering students, often driving them to suicide or, even worse, degrees in communication. "Pointer Paradise," based off a design that Bjarne Stroustrup doodled on a bar napkin below a drawing of a naked woman giving birth to what appears to be a large fax machine, whisks kids off to the magical world of C++ variables. Step right on in and watch variables point to other variables while making hilarious quips such as:
POINTER #1: "Woah, I went to put some variables in that other room, and I smelled something really terrible! What the heck was that?"
POINTER #2: "I'm sorry, I couldn't hold it any longer and took a storage leak in there!"
POINTER #1: "Well for God's sake, at least zip up your dangling reference!"
Now that's class! Who knew dynamic allocating storage could be so fun?
FUN FACT: MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility's CEO Jack "Eight Fingers" Scarsdale has built an elaborate series of underground tunnels below every major city in America! We won't tell you why; you'll invariably find out later!
In addition to these three new rides for the 2003 year, we are also in the process of renovating and improving some of the other most popular rides here at the MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility. The following entertainment modules throughout the park will experience construction throughout the year:
"Southern Barrel O' Poison Snakes and Roofing Nails" (closed from 10-03 through 12-03) - Additional poison snakes and roofing nails will be added to the barrel. Also, the folks in the engineering department are trying to figure out some way to hire ghosts of dead Civil War soldiers to maintain and operate the ride, but the Ghosts of Dead Civil War Soldiers Union #726 is being very uncooperative. Also, we can't figure out how to make their hands move the levers without passing right through them. We suspect it's a problem with the levers.
"Sweat Mountain" (closed from 11-03 through 12-03) - Ever since employee Greg Butcher was fired for sneaking into the employee locker room and ejaculating into employee shoes, we have been critically low on sweat to fill Sweat Mountain's storage tanks. At a recent brainstorming session, an employee suggested we simply put "really salty water" into the storage tanks. This is obviously a very stupid idea since that would turn "Sweat Mountain" into "Really Salty Water Mountain," and therefore we'd probably get sued by rival theme park "Oh Dear God No, Please For the Love of Christ No"-Land, who currently owns and operates "Really Salty Water Mountain" right next to their world-famous petting zoo and minefield, "The Bay of Pigs."
"Crazy Stabbin' Negro's Cotton Field Funland" (closed 11-03 through 05-04) - Due to complaints from various ethnic political activist groups representing some kind of crazy minorities, our CEO has decided to temporarily close this feature while we redesign and modify it to become more racially sensitive. "Crazy Stabbin' Negro" and his patented "Stabbin' Knife" will be replaced by "Crazy Knittin' Negro" and his newly designed "Knittin' Knife," which is the Stabbin' Knife only with a slightly different hue of paint on the handle. Since this set was created in the early 1950s, many of the animatronics are old and need to have various parts replaced. I'm sure everybody here is familiar with the quirk where Crazy Stabbin' Negro appears to fall down after raping Marybelle LuAnne. We're going to switch servo motors in his lower half and hire a team of engineers to make the rape scene more realistic by upgrading Marybelle's head so she is able to convey realistic facial expressions such as "utter horror" and "the urge to take her own life." Also, the cotton field has been deemed "too offensive" by management, so this attraction will now take place on the moon and will be called "Crazy Knittin' Negro's Lunar Funland," not "Space Rape" as Vice Director of Operations Dana Feldman previously claimed.
"Burger Plains" (closed 12-03 through 01-04) - After a recent outbreak of Mad Cow Disease, the FDA has forced us to close Burger Plains until we can figure out a way to keep the meat patties from attracting swarms of spitting beetles inside of them. Our engineers will additionally try to fix the "Soda Falls" problem where the Mountain Dew waterfall accidentally gets mixed up with the bathroom sewage line, not that anybody in the past was able to tell the difference.
"CancerCoaster" (closed 12-03 through 07-04) - Ride will be closed until we can determine why 98% of all patrons who ride it immediately get cancer, as opposed to the 99% we were aiming for.
All in all, this looks to be one of the most exciting and dynamic years here at the MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility, and we're happy to have customers or possibly employees like you responsible for its success! We look forward to providing you with the most fun-filled and promising years since 1993 when the "Twirl N' Spit" was upgraded to the "Twirl N' Spit N' Mysteriously Become Inseminated When the Lights Go Out." Thank you for your interest in the MegaFunCorp Inc. Globo Trans Adventurevillesland© Theme Park and Chemical Weapons Storage Facility, where our motto is, "Expect Expensive Fun At Your Expense!"
Postage will be paid by addressee
Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here. Stop expecting me to go away. I'm not leaving.
Have you ever visited FARK? If not, you should. The site has loads of interesting links to bizarre news stories, weekly links to Homestar Runner, and pictures of nekkid people here and there. I visit FARK at least 15 times a day, and enjoy it greatly. What you have to be careful of is the comments that go along with each story, but let's not get into that today. We have more pressing issues. Like, what if Something Awful turned into FARK and we had the same Photoshop skills? We start off with this picture:
And end up with something like this: