This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.
HELLO!!!!!! It is one of my New Year's Resolutions to get a bunch of my apologies out. It feels good and it is a good thing to do but I hope you still think i'm a great man after this is all done.
I am sorry for driving by and flicking off both of the water polo teams while they had the big game. The game was pretty intense and I don't think they saw me until I honked but I wasn't flicking them off anymore by that point.
I am sorry Billy Corgan yelling sounds rile your pets up and I am sorry I keep making Billy Corgan noises at the pets to rile them up.
Sorry for putting an electric razor in with your dog’s toys as if to imply that she shaves herself, or her nether regions for male suitor dogs, and that she is able to operate the device herself and shave patterns into her pet pubes. This is not what I intended!!!
I am sorry that on Thanksgiving 2007 after we ate the turkey I kept saying “Wow, I’m About Ready To Get My Sleep Nutt... Are You All Ready To Get Your Sleep Nutt?” I really thought it was just a cool thing kids said when they were tired. I learned it from TV.
Sorry at the birth of our distant cousin I said “Don’t Squeeze Your Woman-Hole While The Baby Is Crowning Because That Will Smoosh It” which is still probably true but not the thing to tell a woman who is huffing and puffing with a baby sticking out.
Sorry I tried to form an state-recognized incorporated entity called the “Spicy Boy Pec Bouncing Club” and that I put your name and address on the form, and that the cops thought you were starting an “erotic gang” and sorry that I ran out to the backyard when the cops knocked.
I am sorry I found one of you kids' diaries when we were cleaning out the attic that time and threw it over my shoulder while shouting "This Sucks"
Sorry that (I never told you this one) back when you were in high school one of your friends called and asked for you and I said to call back later because you were in the shower and that you were "Stewing In Your Own Juices" which is actually true because you were ripe and I was in a bad mood
Sorry for boasting that I was able to eat double the dinner of anyone else at the table, and never being able to actually do it.
I am sorry that I embarrassed you by publicly introducing a ballot measure to change our town's name to "Hungry Daddy"
I am sorry that I keep repeating the story to company about how I got my car stereo from a great deal emailed to me by MisterPussyDemon but that's really what happened and it's not just a funny word that I like to say all the time.
Sorry when your high school friend miscarried at Applebees I said "How Could She Tell?"
Sorry about the time you bought me an appointment with a financial planner and we all went over there and she asked me what I intended my source of income to be and I said "Plinko, or that scary mountian climber game" even though I still believe in it.
It feels very good to get this all off my chest!!!!!There is probably a whole lot more but thank you so much for reading I hope you forgive me forever!!!!!DAD
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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