State Og Update: 01.08.05
The office has been buzzing with excitement over the upcoming launch of our State Og Revisionist History series of textbooks, due to hit classrooms across the country next year! Why did the native Americans wager - and ultimately lose - their homeland on a football game against the settlers? When did the unproven theory of global warming become fact? How did State Og founder Ebineezer Elbowham create such inventions as electricity, the written language, and polar bears? Enroll in public school to find out! Special thanks this week go to: Matt "Coco13" Rock, John "Clitch" Macbean, and Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott.
Time: Under Your Control For No More Than The Third Time
Research from the State OG Department of Showing Facts has released facts showing that many people have a direct involvement with time. For a long time, people have demanded a way to sequence events, and to use hyperbole to exaggerate events, like just then. Well, with our latest creation, time is on your side!
The State OG CALculating ENgineered DERO (or CALENDERO) ensures you'll be second to none in marking the passage of time. From small events, like yesterday, to more grand events, like last week, there's no legal way to better way to put events down for a while than on a CALENDERO.
CALENDEROs are excellent decorations as well, and add some fucking class to your shithole apartment or home. When other proud owneres of a CALENDERO come over, comparisons have been found to be inevitable. "Oh, you have a January 6th? I have that day too!"
And, worried about the infinite nature of time? Don't worry, we've printed up until probably a good week after you're going to die. By hell or high water, our CALENDERO will be accurate.
The CALENDERO: It's not like you have anything better to do with your time.
State Og Cares About Your Privacy
Hello loyal State OG dup- er customers!
Have you ever been in a relationship? A blissful union of two souls that rattled the chains of cynicism and the modern disdain for destined love? Did this wonderful romance make you so comfortable, so content in your life with this person that you'd let them do anything? Even take digital pictures of your most private anatomical assets? HAHA SUCKER!!
Of course, inevitably, this beautiful mingling of hearts disintegrated into a maelstrom of vitriol and spite. Don't be embarrassed, it happens to all of us. Well, not me, but plenty of people. So after the yelling, threatening phone calls, shredding of personal mementos, half-hearted stalking, dedicated stalking, and resulting restraining order, where does your quest for mutual destruction end? That's right. That motherfucker lets slip to some friends how sexy you look covered in hot wax with a travel umbrella up your ass.
Now what do you do? This person has pictures of you in compromising positions(especially the one with the kazoo, the chinese finger traps, and the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit.), and they're just angry enough at you to post them on the world wide room full of lovesick nerds and dirty old men. How can you prevent this? What options do you have in this distressful dilemma? Do you change your name and become an east asian aid worker? Do you allow those images of you at your most vulnerable and skanky state to be proliferated among the anonymous throng for their auto-erotic activities? Do you start your own site to beat them to the punch and make a little cash on the side?
If you chose the third option, please contact our web-hosting division. Otherwise, if none of those choices are acceptable, call us here at State OG Regretted Porn Destruction Services. We're not one of those fly-by-night operations that just get ahold of those image files and destroy them. At State OG, the only thing we half-ass is our employee health programs...and maybe our taxes. We track down your ex-lover. Then we "persuade" them to give us the original files and disclose any and all places where they might have uploaded them. Then we "re-educate" them and inform them of how hurtful and destructive these tasteful art pics can be when released on alt.binaries.erotica.i.didnt.think.it.would.fit.either. Finally, just in case our methods have failed to influence their minds and show them the true path to reconcilliation and closure, we brand your name on their ass with a red-hot iron to serve as a reminder of the person they've hurt so deeply.
Now, can you put a price on your privacy? Apparently our accounting department can, and it's astronomical. But remember, protecting your right to use your crotch as a vegetable crisper in anonymity is worth it.
What We Do For You
Over the years, we at State Og have gotten a lot of mail from concerned citizens. These people often ask us what exactly we do, why we do it, how this impacts them and their families, why we're allowed to stay in business, and if we'd please stop sending thugs to their homes to shoot their windows out.
We understand your concerns. When dealing with an organization as large as State Og, it is often difficult for any one citizen to know and understand the full scope of our actions, let alone contemplate the effect State Og has on their lives. Given this, we'd like to take a moment to remind you, the average person, of just a few of the things State Og does for you.
State Og provides you with top-of-the-line, life-enriching products
While the exact date and location of our founding remains a closely guarded secret, we can tell you that State Og has been improving the quality of your life for as long as you can remember. Our vacuums, brooms, and mops clean your floors; our light bulbs and light fixtures fill your home with illumination; our poorly maintained nuclear reactors provide you with electricity; our highly hazardous radioactive waste from our reactors provide your rivers and lakes with several species of warlike fish men. Be it the ticking watch on your wrist, or the ticking bomb we implanted in your dog's torso while you were away at work, it's difficult to find yourself not surrounded by our products.
State Og provides you with safety
Our numerous satellites and orbital "fun platforms" keep you safe from the telepathic commands of malevolent dogs and aliens, as well as blocking the evil space rays from the dark planet known as "Bloodstone." You need not worry that the CIA or any other government agency is monitoring your thoughts; everyone knows that only one party may read a person's thoughts at a time, and we have been monitoring yours continuously since birth.
State Og provides you with fish men
The savage fish men spawned from the desolate swamps where we dump our used fuel rods from our reactors fill your life with excitement. As they migrate from lake to lake, using the streams and rivers of the world as highways, you can bet that at least once in your lifetime you will experience the thrill that is mortal combat with a fish man. We understand that you are mighty, and that you have little interest in crushing a weak opponent. For this reason, we took the liberty of teaching them the basics of metallurgy, as well as providing them with rudimentary hand-to-hand combat skills. Whatever else life may bring you, boredom will not be among its gifts; the arms race you now find yourself in with the fish men guarantees that.
Stare Og provides you with an afterlife
Eventually, be it from old age or fish men, you will die. At the moment of your expiration, your immortal soul shall be wrenched from the grips of whatever extra-dimensional "deity" has laid claim to it and it will be transported to our Central Soul Storage Unit. One there, your consciousness will enjoy an eternity of office work, providing the backbone for our Post-Mortem Labor Division. Also, since you'll be dead, you'll have no need for coffee or lunch breaks, and so you won't have to worry about any interruptions in your work.
Bear in mind that these are but a few of the wonderful things that State Og brings to you. If we had time, we'd gladly tell you about our Experimental Sexual Fetish Division, our Office of Compulsory Sexual Reassignment, or our Division of Intimidation and Assassination (who, by the way, will be around at the usual time to shoot out your windows).- State Og Representative