State Og Update: 01.22.05
Welcome to another edition of State Og, the company that actively lobbies for English to become America's third language behind the much more practical Esperanto and Klingon. Special thanks this week go to: Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott, Elijah "Like The Wood" Bagdonas, and Jason "Vengeane Otter" Johnson.
Recent tests have shown there may be a safety hazard with the new Industrial Razor-Cone Anal Beads product. Some users have noted severe pain and/or internal bleeding of the rectum, colon and/or sphincter regions while inserting and/or removing the product. If you are experiencing similar conditions with your product please discontinue use and send the product and any packaging back for replacement. An exchange for the Playtime-Fun brand Aluminum-Spiked Vibrating Anal Plug will be offered at no charge for all returned products. Please inform anyone you know who is or might be using this product of any dangers that may occur from usage.
We would like to apologize to anyone who purchased our special dog collars designed to keep your pet from eating its own feces. It seems that, instead of deterring the dog from eating its own poop, it has the opposite effect of causing the dog to crave feces constantly. We have received many letters detailing instances of dogs literally eating themselves to death as they gorge themselves on the tasty brown substance issuing from their rear ends.
Indeed, it appears that placing the collar on a dog causes the dog to crave the waste products of any nearby animal. These cravings are so intense that the dog will attempt to burrow into the rectum of another animal in order to satisfy its unhealthy hunger, often resulting in a grisly but humorous death. Oddly enough, squirrel droppings seem to be the only variety of poop that the dogs will not long for.
Persons who have one of these collars in their possession may stop by a local State Og warehouse, where they will be able to trade in a defective collar for one of our new feces eliminating collars. These collars, when placed on your pet, will make cleaning up after your dog completely unnecessary for the rest of your pet's natural life.
Anyone trading in an anti-feces consumption collar is asked to please turn around and tightly shut their eyes after handing over the collar, until the feces eliminating collar is placed into their open hands. Also, please keep in mind that any resemblance your new collar may bear to the old collar is completely coincidental.
Until further notice, the cafeteria building at our headquarters’ campus is now closed. Unfortunately, the buried cache of Civil War iron rations we found and built the cafeteria over has been depleted, thus leaving us out of ingredients. This will obviously be problematic since, as you already know, if you try to bring bag lunches or any other food to work State Og Representative Dennis “Corin Tucker’s Stalker” Farrell will personally confiscate it at the door. And if you should happen to find your food later lying discarded in some random corner (seemingly undamaged, but with a lingering odor of fine cognac and cat ass), we recommend you do not eat it, unless you really crave the creamy taste of herpes.
But what if you want to spend your lunch hour eating? Since no one is allowed out of the campus until his or her shift is over, what options do you have? Well, here’s a list of helpful suggestions on how to find something to eat, until we find a new deposit of Industrial Age era foodstuffs:
* Raid a janitor’s closet for a broom or mop and then fashion the handle into a crude spear. This can be used to hunt one of the multitudes of cats roaming our office halls. Be very careful, since they can get pretty feisty after the mid-morning cognac enema Dennis Farrell routinely gives them.
* Lurk in a shadowy corner and when an unsuspecting coworker walks by, quickly leap out and bite out a chunk of his or her hair. Immediately run away, swallowing your delicious hairy prize as you do. This method of feeding is very efficient and, since your coworkers will grow new hair, is the ultimate renewable food source.
* Hide razorblades in your hair. When a hungry coworker tries to take a bite out of your tresses, they’ll end up with a mouthful of sharp steel and, as they writhe around on the floor in pain, you’ll be able to easily bludgeon them to death with a chair or something. Feast on their flesh and then fasten their skull to your office or cubicle wall as a symbol of your prowess and to impress the Predators during their regular visits to our headquarters.
Those are just a few suggestions. Since we know our employees are smart and enthusiastic, we’re sure you can think of more ways to feed yourself, just as we’re sure of what’s going through Dennis Farrell’s mind when we see him with a funnel in one hand, French liquor in the other, and a tabby on his lap.- State Og Representative