Shadowrun Patch Notes

A new patch has been released for both the PC and Xbox 360 releases of this futuristic team-based shooter. The main intent of this update is to level the playing field between the two platforms as much as possible by compensating for people using mice and keyboards against opponents using controllers, but a few minor bug fixes have been included as well.

• To further penalize PC gamers who have the unfair advantage of playing with a mouse, they will no longer be able to use a crosshair, mouselook, or weapons.
  
• Xbox 360 players have the option of winning a match by holding down all four shoulder buttons at the beginning of the round.
  
• Fixed an issue where a climbing animation would not be displayed when players climbed ladders, resulting in awkward situations where models would appear to levitate upwards while standing still. Ladders are no longer climbable.
  
• Players can now burn the opponent's flag after capturing it, causing their enemies' screens to blur from the resulting tears for 20 seconds.
  
• Casting a Tree Of Life on an enemy will slow his movement speed by 50% but make him invincible. Casting a Tree Of Life on a teammate will result in a teamkill.
  
• Dwarves' corpses no longer float into the air like balloons. We misjudged how light they were and apologize for the mistake. Their bodies now tumble along the ground with the gentlest of breezes, as you'd expect.
  
• Shotguns now have seventeen levels of zoom.
  
• Trolls who equip themselves with Wired Reflexes and katanas can no longer attack others or be targeted.
  
• In order to use a glider, you must now be towed behind another player like a kite.
• While in spectator mode, you can no longer struggle with the player you are watching for control of the character's movement.
  
• Some weapons have been adjusted to fail 100% of the time, instantly killing the wielder. Forgot which ones they are.
  
• After you have resurrected another player, a vote can be held to decide whether or not you are a witch.
  
• Shooting an enemy now incurs a $2000 penalty for PC gamers.
  
• Fixed a bug where in extremely rare occurrences kids in public matches sometimes worked as teams and captured flags/resurrected fallen teammates/provided cover for the flag carrier.
  
• Added a single-player mode. You can choose from any of the multiplayer maps and run around in them with no bots or other players to ruin your sightseeing experience.
  
• Some people complained that one model for each race without the option of choosing a gender or adjusting skin color is not enough, and that players want to be able to stand out. Player names now appear over their heads 20% larger.
  
• Removed some of the excess "Shadowrun tabletop game backstory and overall experience" because we didn't want anyone to get so blown away that they'd fall out of their chairs or something.
  
• Teleporting directly into the body of another player now merges both accounts together and constitutes a legal, binding marriage in the state of Tennessee.
  

One Sentence Reviews

Call Of Juarez
Because when you think of kickass western shooters that actually incorporate the bible as a weapon, you immediately think of lengthy forced stealth missions. 6/10

Shadowrun
A team-based shooter that gives you lots of really cool and diverse powers to consider while you wait for 10 minutes to join a match full of identical players. 8/10

Tenchu Z
Offers the complete ninja experience, if the complete ninja experience involves running through fifty identical villages, facing enemies that are braindead one minute and psychic the next, and feeling generally disappointed and sad. 3/10

Surf's Up
Surprisingly fun, and a great way to see talking animals race against one another without the risks involved in going off your meds and taking a trip to the dog track. 6/10

Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree
The thinking man's Brain Boost and the common man's Brain Age. 7/10

Tomb Raider: Anniversary
An updated edition of the original Tomb Raider that improves upon every aspect of the game except for Lara's fat waist and tiny breasts. 8/10

L.A. Street Racing
Five years too late, $20 too much. 3/10

Marine Sharpshooter III
An ACTUAL training tool used by REAL marines as a target on the shooting range. 1/10

Kudos
Answers the ages-old question of what The Sims would be like if it restricted you to one character that could only age from 20 to 30 and if there was no representation of your sim's home and daily life. 6/10

Spaceforce: Rogue Universe
Not all that great, but I'll give it an extra point since I think it's an adaptation of a Stephen Colbert sci-fi epic novel. 6/10

The Secrets Of Atlantis
Atlantis secret #1: games about Atlantis are never fun. 1/10

Monster Madness: Battle For Suburbia
With all the shitty PC games released this month, I'm pretty sure we've stumbled upon the Bizarro version of the PC game resurgence we've all been waiting for. 5/10

Crush
Sure, the main gimmick is that the game shifts from 2d to 3d, but it's not at all like Super Paper Mario because there's puzzles and, uh, no mustaches. 8/10

Dragon Ball Z: Harukanaru Densetsu
It's a strategic card battle game without the strategy, but the average DBZ fan won't notice. 3/10

Naruto: Ninja Council 3
I went in expecting to vote on shuriken reforms and have heated debates over padded shoes with my fellow councilmen, but all I got was a shitty fighting game with a shittier engine. 2/10

Tank Beat
I almost said this game was as painful as getting kicked in the nuts, but that's not really fair to the game since it's more like getting shelled in the nuts by a tank round. 2/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)