But back to the election, I have been reading a lot about that on the computers at the library because it's one of only three places in town I am allowed to go while on electronic monitoring and ever since I got caught trying to copy pornos on the library computer I have only been allowed to go to non-porno websites.

You suck dude. Way to lose me enough money to buy a kenny powers three wheeled motorcycle.Which by the way librarians fuck you. You are not helpful at all. When I tried to copy grandma nut drainers to my Drive Angry blu ray you were like "that is a cd rom drive and you can't copy stuff to blu rays on it and what is this website?" and I was like beep boop beep bill gates it's just the hottest 50+ GILFs draining huge nutloads of jizz with their nasty grandma pussies what the fuck is your problem this is america. Then they tried to call the cops and I was like "you all better back off I am allowed to be here and I pay your salaries" so they tased me again because violence is always how police win arguments and then we came to an agreement where I can use the library facilities as long as I don't go to porno websites or watch hockey youtubes because both of them make me violent. Or so they say.

Now I hung out with Mitch Romney a little bit when I was on the campaign. He was boring as hell. Did you know his favorite meal is buttered noodles? I feel more boring just knowing that. I remember one time I was on the bus and it was after a long day and he was like "Levi come back here we have a video game set up you can play it with the kids" and there were these creepy ass kids all wearing the same sweater and I was like "sup retards" and then I sat down to play video games and all they had was wii tennis, but all their mii characters were bible characters and I was like okay rod and todd watch this shit and I picked judas and tore them apart with my physicality and dominating presence in all sports. And Mitch was like "come on Levi these kids are like 8 you don't got to showboat it so much" and I was like "bitch if your shirt wasn't tucked in tighter than a drumhead I would pull that over your head and yoke you so hard your abs would turn blue and wolf blitzer would call you jake sully.

That was how I got kicked off the bus the first time. There were two other times that I am not going to go into here but suffice it to say Tagg Romney probably still wonders why his wife walks with a limp.

So the point is that America is divided up by all these divisions. Like some people are straight players who know how to clean an endangered bear before a ranger finds you and hand-load ammo and aren't afraid to do donuts in the wasilla pd parking lot and some dudes are eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches trying not to cry because they spent their whole life trying to fulfill their father's dream for no reason other than personal achievement and yet some black guy and a fat guy prevented you from being anything more than a footnote. Nobody remembers who ran against president and lost after a few years. I mean does anybody even remember who was running against George Bush in 2000? Dukapis? Roosslevelt? Fuck if I know. The point is even lame losers who suck at everything can get along with way badass studs who get laid non-stop. We need to end this partisan pickering and do what's right for America.

There are three issues confronting america in the aftermath of this election:

I like chumlee as much as anybody but if I have to watch one more marathon of pawn stars my dvr decided to record instead of hotties and cool rappers getting wild on spring break I am going to lose my shit. You hear me brock obama?Number one: Mexicans. What the hell guys? There are like ten times as many of you as before. I mean I like Mexicans those dudes know how to party but enough already. We get it.

Number two: Israel. I don't know what it is, but I know it's important. Might be a computer program like the big face in Tron that controls everything. I know it is running nuclears or something.

Number three: Spring break. HOW THE FUCK is MTV Spring Break cancelled. That show was the best fucking show ever and I turn it on now and where are the beaches and the crazy games. I want dudes named Luke and Brandon and chicks named Kelly and Cinnamon giving each other showers and making whipped cream bikinis and shit now I got no idea what channel is even MTV ever since Direct TV fucked everything up and somehow I am stuck on channel 9867 and it just plays music and tells me to press the channel guide button. Hey motherfucker, if I had the channel guide button you think I would be watching Monk episodes on Ion? No, I hate that motherfucker, he makes me nervous as hell he looks like a terrorist and he's all twitchy you know he has a bomb somewhere around there and that silence of the lambs dude is somehow even creepier now. I don't even think Ion is an American channel. I'm liking getting Canada satellite or something. So let's get this shit sorted.


A wary nation and a bias media turns our eyes to Brock Obama and the house republicans and asks, can you lead us towards unity in the aftermath of this divisive election?

I don't know, seems like a long shot. Fuck it though, right?

PEACE!

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

More Johnston Checks In

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.