I am a fuckin redneck rock star LEVI JOHNSTONWhat the fuck is up my little babies?
Levi Johnston back from a hiateus all the way up in alaska to tear up the dumbass media on some shit. Before I get to that shit I got some business to go through. Namely, did you all watch the debate last night? Let me hear you say HELL YEAH!
Because if I hear HELL YEAH I just heard a giant homo because what sort of giant homo watches a debate? Oh, its fuckin YOU NAHAHAHAHAHA! Your sort of homo!
AAAAAaannyways I don't give a FUCK about no debates. I have been tore up like 10 out of the last 16 days. I got a new oxycotton hookup in Wasilla. Dude makes meth in an outhouse in his back yard. It is crazy as shit. AWesome dude. Part tomahawk indian or some shit. Chief sells-the-drugs.
Anyway, got a shitload of jim beam from this liquors store where the dude recognized my picture from Fox News. He was like "OH GODDAMN it's Levi fucking Johnston" and I was like shit yeah dude hook a nigger up with some ice beers. And shit I got like 15 cases of bud ice and a whole crate of jim beam plus some lemon and orange vodkas for bristol for the baby.
Of course unthankful bitch was like "THAT STILL IS ALCOHOL" and I was like I will put that shit in jello cuz that is just how much I love you baby. And while that shit was settin up in the fridge I did her doggy style over the table but it was sort of awkward because shes fat as fuck right now and then she got mad as hell when I tried to sneak one by her in the caboose. We worked it out though she got drunk on jello shooters and then passed out on the couch and I jerked off onto her hair.
mrs palin promised that shit aint contagious but if I come down with retarded I am gonna be pissedAnyway willow's fine ass mom, Mrs. Palin the one whose gonna be veep, said she needed our baby targ to carry around at rallies and stuff. He dont move around or anything so hes easy. Like a little fartin meaty flag pin. You just put some food on his face and eventually that shit will fall in. Just keep an ear peeled in case he starts choking. Thats about it with him. Change the diaper once a week. Nah just kiddin man that little faggot shits non stop bristol is changin him like once an hour.
I was like "can we just put him in a room with no diaper and call it the poop room and once a week Ill go in there with the snow shovel and hose him off and scoop out all the poop." And bristol got all bitchy and was like "no thats nasty thats what they do with elephants at the zoo" and I was like "yo no shit that is where I got the fuckin idea BRRRRPPPHHH" and that shit at the end is where I made an elephant sound at lil faggot tron and he just stared off into antoher dimension like always.
So me and bristol flew down on the secret jet that Mrs. Palin didnt sell on ebay and we went to ohio and handed off little tramp to gayass todd. I just saw Mrs. Palin through the window of her escalade but I could tell her titties were lookin extra good. bristol got her moms titties too so, you know, fuck yeah.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.