What? No, no, it's an instructional manual for, uh, keeping your vagina its... uh, virginest.The next day at swim practice, Justin's late night shenanigans catch up with him as his lap times deteriorate. His angry black man of a swim coach chews him out over his sudden slowness. "That is a sorry excuse for a swim and you know it!" the coach screams. Justin apologizes and as he looks around the pool, he suddenly notices that another swimmer has large breasts, as evidenced by a slow-motion closeup of a girl's swimsuit-covered bust while Justin stares with glazed eyes. Do you not see what porn is doing to him? He is noticing that women have curves! This is clearly unacceptable behavior for a teenage boy and the ominous music warns us as such.
Later at school, Justin is walking down the hallway when, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, he begins to realize that there is highly sexualized imagery all around him, everywhere he looks! His girlfriend's incessant drone fades out as Justin focuses intently on legs, hips, butts, breasts, and all other aspects of womanhood which prior to that point had only struck him in a coldly academic manner. There is literally a 30-second montage of various female body parts as Justin gazes in wonder. And to think he would never noticed without the cruel influence of porn, it is truly saddening.
That night, Justin is back on his computer when his father comes in to have The Talk. "Multitasking?" he says, hoping to lighten the mood. Justin reddens a shade and promises that it will never happen again. Problem solved. But then the idiot father continues. "It's normal for all guys to look at pictures," he says, merely confusing his son. "When I was your age, we used to hide our Playboys under the bed." Justin laughs a little. "There's no problem," he says. "Like you said, all guys do it." No, Justin's dad, no! You don't admit your own failings in front of your children, it only promotes mixed messages! God, if only you had been steadfast on the no-naked-girls policy maybe this would all have been nipped in the bud and a crisis averted. Stupid men, oh if only women ruled the world there would be no war. Wait, where were we? Anyways, Justin's dad leaves, convinced that everything is set straight, but later that night, Justin rolls out of bed, turns on the computer, and this time makes sure to close the door, for he has learned that deceiving your parents is the first step to being a proper porn fiend.
Now the downward spiral has truly begun, as the next day at swim practice, Justin is sitting on the far end of the bleachers playing with his girlfriend's PDA, which includes looking at pictures of clothed women and send them to "Justin@e-mail". That night, Justin listens to a horrible Linkin Park soundalike band in his room, while looking at some good old fashioned porn. He swigs a can of Red Bull, in what will become a running theme for the rest of the movie. While he's in the middle of his porning, his little brother Alex bursts in and sees a torrent of popups while Justin struggles to close them. "Hey, what's that?!" he shrieks, and threatens to tell mom unless Justin will show him. As a good older brother, Justin acquiesces and shows Alex his cache of pictures of clothed women, which is enough to shut Alex's frontal lobes down and during dinner he listlessly stares into the distance, his youth and innocence ravaged by Justin's demon porn. Diane notices and asks if there's a problem. Justin thinks quickly: "he's all pumped up because he beat the drug dealer in Grand Theft Auto." Wait, their mother lets a ten year old child play GTA? Suddenly a lot of problems this family has are becoming clear.
Later, Alex and one of his little friends are playing on Justin's computer when Alex closes the door. "Want to see something really gross?" he says, closing the door and spreading the porn disease to another unsuspecting host. Meanwhile, Justin is hanging out with Timmy when he also feels the urge to share the bounty. "I found a pretty EXTREME website last night," he says. The cool kid is intrigued: "another multiplayer game?" Justin smiles pervertedly. "No, man, something a lot hotter," he says. Justin grabs the keyboard and types up a website where two people completely covered in latex costumes make various bizarre poses. Timmy, who gladly introduced Justin to porn in the first place, is appalled at Justin's advanced research into the subject. "Get that crap off my computer!" he shouts. "I'm gonna get spam forever!" Justin clicks on another website, his smile fading, but Timmy will have no part of it. "I don't care, bro! That stuff is way too twisted!" Justin puts down the keyboard and hangs his head in shame, feeling the first pangs of Pervert's Remorse.
The feeling is short-lived, however, as that night Justin paces in front of his computer, occasionally glancing at the screen or covering his face in his hands, as if he were debating some incredibly important decision like, say, looking at boobs. Eventually his demons win out and he opens a desk drawer to get a Red Bull, revealing dozens of cans of the stuff. With that sort of caffeine supply, a man could become some sort of porno god. Justin surfs back onto local slut Monica's camwhore website, where he watches a live-video show and chats with her. "You'r sooooo amazing!" he gushes, while chugging down Red Bull like a maniac. Deeper into the rabbit hole he goes.
That weekend at the big swim meet, Justin wastes time downloading more porn onto his girlfriend's PDA, causing him to nearly miss his race. After being dragged away from his smut and running to the starting block, Justin puts on a dismal performance, as evidenced by the fact that he loses by about half a body length and comes in third place in the all-state swim meet, which would be pretty good by normal earthling standards. Justin's mom, however, is so disappointed in his horrible performance that she refuses to even applaud his third place finish or look in his direction. Again, the source of the family's problems becomes increasingly apparent.
Even cartoon porn? Justin has his freakiness running on all cylinders.That night, Justin's parents argue about his future as a swimmer while Justin splashes around in the pool. Later Diane is putting away some clothes in Alex's room when she finds a CD-R hidden in the back of a drawer. Upon pulling it out, she sees it's got the handwritten title of "VIRGIN VAGINAS." Yes, Justin was stupid enough to not only burn his pornography onto a permanent medium, but then he actually labeled it as such, instead of something no one would ever think to check, like "Math Homework" or "Swim Schedule" or "Windows ME." When Justin comes home the rest of the family is waiting for him, demanding to know where the porn comes from. Justin thinks fast and explains that kids at school were sending it to him as a joke. "You think sending porn is a joke?!" his mother screams. "It's garbage and I don't want it in my house!" Justin's dad decides he needs to get in on the yelling too. "The friends who sent you this crap? Those friendships are over!" Justin apologizes meekly and goes off to bed, where he watches more porn on the internet-enabled computer his parents have neglected to actually remove from his room, still operating on the principle that their son could never lie to his parents about whether or not he looks at porn.
The next day, Diane stops by school to talk to one of her teacher friends about the dangers of porn. "Didn't your breakup with Tom have something to do with internet porn?" Her friend's face drops and she is immediately dead serious. "My marriage was DESTROYED because of his ADDICTION to INTERNET PORN," she says. Dismayed, Diane buys a bagful of parental-control software, which she tries to install but fails miserably because she is an adult and thus doesn't understand computing. Soon Alex is helping her install the software, and after it's all done, he opens his big fat mouth. "Mom, you know we can get around this software, right?" he says, too stupid to know when to leave well enough alone. Diane is concerned but doesn't think the fact that the software is worthless is much of a problem if she just moves the computer into the den while she's at it. Meanwhile, Justin finds a "cybercafe" nearby, which appears to consist of one old PC sitting in the back of a hardware store. He chats some more with Monica: "when can we get togather?" He drinks a Red Bull while typing, which I guess he brought with him to pump him up. That's three instances so far, for those keeping track.
Justin and Monica end up meeting in a local diner, where Monica starts by making moon eyes but soon graduates to sidling up next to him and placing his hand on various curvy bits. Justin freaks out and finds an excuse to leave, because he has never been close to a girl before, except for, you know, the steady girlfriend he constantly makes out with. He runs off home and the next morning notices his computer is missing, depriving him of his porn fix. He drinks a Red Bull anyway, just to keep his habit up, I guess.
That day in the locker room, one of the cool kids confronts Justin. "Hey leather boy," he growls. "So what's sick, slick?" Justin is confused. "Timmy says you're the new king of porn," he continues. "Kinky the Clown." Ooo, good put-downs. Justin tries to play it off as a way to psyche himself up for swimming but the cool kids see through his lies. "I hear you're a real freak, though," one says. "You're into the real twisted stuff." Just then Timmy comes into the locker room. "Hey freak," he says. "I'm still getting perverted SPAM on account of you." As opposed to, you know, the other porn sites Timmy gleefully visits all the time. Whatever, logic has no place within the realm of Lifetime. Justin is crushed that the cool kids don't like him anymore, and all because he looked at porn. If only he could turn back the hands of time, instead of keeping his hands on himself.
Meanwhile, Diane talks to her teacher friend about her ex-husband's porn addiction. "We stopped having sex," she starts. "I thought it was getting routine, so I tried to spice it up, and he went into the den." Suddenly she is deathly serious and speaks in low ominous tones. "The COMPUTER is in the den," she says, and Diane is shocked beyond words. Her friend continues how she "couldn't do anything" because she was "too embarrassed" and "so hurt" by her husband looking at some pornography, so instead she went back to bed and let him continue. Long story short, they eventually got a divorce, but it was, of course, entirely his doing and had nothing to do with her radical Puritan attitudes about sexual rights and wrongs.
That night, Justin is studying at Amy's place when they start some more of their strangely graphic making out but before it can get too hot and heavy Amy again pulls the plug. With porn and the porn-related slut Monica weighing heavily on his mind, Justin starts to go a little crazy. "Why do we have to be the last people to do everything?!" he screams at Amy, his pornographic forays giving him the taste for real human-on-human sex. The good and moral Amy is shocked and appalled by Justin's behavior. "If all you want is a friend with benefits then maybe you should find someone else!" Justin gathers up all his excessive bravado. "Maybe I should," he retorts, and storms out, unaware that if cooler heads had prevailed he could had salvaged his chances at getting some sweet good girl action. Not only does porn make you a pervert but it makes you stupid.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.