Submitted by Yotam W.
If you've ever wondered what would happen if you took Justin Beiber, 90's pop has-beens Sugar Ray and that annoying Youtube """celebrity""" douchebag Fred character, liquified them in a blender (set to the "YOU DESERVED THIS" setting) and used the resulting FailPaste to impregnate a woman with Down's Syndrome, wonder no more! Science, once again, has all the answers!
I actually kinda feel bad for the kid. I'm sure his parents totally didn't prod him into doing this by filling his empty little head with visions of getting famous ~just like Justin~ by posting stupid bullshit on Youtube, either. There is literally no difference, in my mind, between parents who push Youtube/internet/whatever fame on their kids and those creepy fucking "Pageant Moms" who dress their 4 year olds like hookers. Either way, they're exploiting their kids to live vicariously through their success.
Frankly, harsh as that may sound, I'm actually giving him the benefit of the doubt here by shifting the blame to his parents, considering that literally the only other option is that young JohnnyO is some kind of evil hellspawn genius that, at the tender young age of 9, has some kind of Machiavellian understanding of the world and is attempting to manipulate his way to fame by shamelessly aping what worked for other people. He needs this. He FUCKING NEEDS THIS. His ego feeds on fame and recognition and how the fuck else are you supposed to support a healthy coke habit at 9 years old? Lemonade stands just don't have the profit margins for that shit. If this is the case, and I pray to whatever gods may exist that it isn't, JohnnyO must be hurled into the nearest active volcano for the good of all mankind, sending his black and rotten soul to the depths of the earth from whence it came. The stars are right. In his house at 201 Maple Street, dead JohnnyO lies dreaming.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!