Hello, kids! Happy New Year's Eve! We here at Something Awful hope you're enjoying the holidays in a responsible fashion. We understand that tonight is a big drinking night, and we're fine with that – as long as you're over 21!
That said, we also know there are some easily confused children who think they, too, have to drink to have a blast on the Night of the Porcelain God. This isn't true! Drinking is a big responsibility – bigger than voting – and the last thing we want you young readers to do is throw your lives away over a half can of beer you stole from your old Aunt Patty.
Luckily for you youngsters Ace W. High is back, and he has a ton of drug-and-alcohol free activities for you to try while your mom tries to drive to the liquor store with nothing on but a lampshade! Lock the windows, shut the blinds, and be sure to put Dad on his stomach when he goes to sleep on the kitchen floor... Ace W. High is ready for mucho divertido!
Wacky Straw RacersThe 4-1-1: Any Ace-W.-High-quotin', recreational-household-product-usin' kid kommando knows the cabinet under the sink is the coolest place in the house. But did you know there are also games to be played with things you find down there? With Wacky Straw Racers the speed you need doesn't come from the chemistry lab under your big brother's bed; you'll just need the fastest nostrils this side of the Mississippi to win! Grab a straw, get under the sink, and get ready to the coolest plumber on the block: Your brain has some pipes that need cleaning!
What You'll Need: For this activity you'll need a straight, non-krazy straw to succeed. Rolled-up dollar bills also do the trick, but be careful! The edges of bills can be sharp and the last thing you want is a bogus papercut up in your nizzle. You will also need to get under the sink and grab whatever canned powders you can find. Drain and carpet cleaners work well for this part. Finally find a large mirror to use as a playing surface. That way, when you play you'll know you're looking at a winner and a cool, responsible RHP-using hombre to boot!
Diz-rections: Once you've gathered your materials find a secluded place where the grouchy adults will never find you. After that, lay your mirror on a flat, level surface. You'll need to mark a finishing point roughly six inches away from the edge of the mirror. Finally, spread your sink chemicals in a thin line from the end of the mirror to the finish line, stick your straw up your nose, and get to snorting! First person across the finish line wins, but we guarantee you everyone playing will have a spine-twitching, uncontrollable-giggling good time!
Watch Your Back! Drug users are like vampires – they're always looking for more braindead flunkies to join their subhuman ranks. If you're playing the game and you're approached by a man with hair longer than shoulder-length and a t-shirt that looks like a clown threw up on it, give him the business! Granted, you might only be able to spray blood out your nose and go “unnnghhhhk” at him, but that should scare him off.
For Big Kids Only: Like Kurt Cobain says, double-barrel it! If you're up to the challenge stick a straw up each nostril and invite your friends to a doubles match! Those losers at the welfare office might have rings in their eyebrows, but you'll be the only kid on the block with a sinus piercing!
Ace W. High Sez: “Get lost, mom! I'll clean my room when I'm done vacuuming this mirror!”
Medicine Cabinet RaiderzThe 4-1-1: Ace W. High may be cautious, but he's no zealot. He understands some drugs can help people, and that's why the government makes them legal. In Medicine Cabinet Raiderz you and your friends have one goal: To get as healthy as possible by eating anything the FDA says is good for you! Dr. House? More like My House Is A Doctor!
What You'll Need: Fast hands and a strong stomach. Eating all those pills and drinking all those syrups might make you feel like you're eating mud-covered rocks, but in a few minutes you'll feel like Kid Rock! If your parents don't let you listen to him pretend you're Hillary Duff instead.
Diz-rections: The rules are simple: Get some friends, open the medicine cabinet, and have a New Year's feast! If you feel like your friends are going to be chodes and try to cheat by not eating until the end, divvy up the cabinet's contents and give everyone an even pile. When you're all breaking cinderblocks over your heads and running three-minute miles, they'll thank you!
Watch Your Back! If you're afraid of Mom and Pop bursting in and ruining your scene, jam a hairpin in the bathroom lock before you start your medicine cabinet safari. Additionally, if those stupid orange pill bottles won't open, take the sharpest knife you can find and stab the container until the lid pops off. Be sure to steady it with your hand before you start stabbin' though: You wouldn't want to damage the sink counter, because vandalism is never cool.
For Big Kids Only: Much like eating too much candy, sometimes eating all that medicine can make you sick. The difference is candy makes you fat, while medicine makes you healthy! If you ever feel the need to ralph, lay on your back and hold your breath as long as you can. Show your gag reflex who rules the roost around these parts!
Ace W. High Sez: “The medicine cabinet / Your eternal friend / Is there to ensure / Your life never ends”
DIY FireworksThe 4-1-1: Who says kids can't have a little explosive fun? According to the law you can't buy fireworks until you're 18, but nobody said you couldn't make your own! Do-it-yourself fireworks are a great way to kick off the new year with a bang. Ace has made his own fireworks seven times, and he can count six of those times on his fingers. Hooray for math!
What You'll Need: When making fireworks creativity is awesome! On top of that you'll also need aerosol cans, kitchen cleaners, gasoline, and other household chemicals. Science plus imagination equals cool. Hooray for math again!
Diz-rections: Since it might be hard to come across colored gunpowder, ask your dad to start a bonfire for you and your friends. After that, the sky's the limit! Aerosol cans make loud pops, kitchen cleaners make cool-colored smoke, and gasoline lets you draw pretty patterns in your yard that'll last weeks after the party. Forget big sister and that stupid butterfly tattooed over her butt – you'll have ink that stretches the course of your yard, and maybe 30 to 40 percent of your body if you're lucky!
Watch Your Back! You kids aren't dumb. You know fire is dangerous. To be sure you're safe from the blaze be sure to put on several layers of clothing, and consider raiding dad's leaf pile to insulate the spaces in between the sweaters you're wearing. This gives you more time to react should fire turn its eternal thirst for human flesh towards your succulent young body. Buzzkill!
For Big Kids Only: If Mom and Pop have hidden the aerosol from you because of (ahem) previous endeavors, look to the gun cabinet to get the party started. Shotgun shells and other rounds are like firecrackers, bottle rockets, and sparklers combined when you throw them in a roaring fire! Happy New Year's, Mom! I gave myself a new nostril in my chest!
Ace W. High Sez: “Drugs? Get a life, junkie. I have some cans to blow up, boy-eeeee!”
Stealth Bike RacingThe 4-1-1: Regular bike riding just too lame? Mom and Dad making you wear helmets and flashers when you go out at night? What a bone! New Year's Eve is the perfect opportunity to show your skill as a bike rider and a responsible young adult. Make way, Lance Armstrong – this kid doesn't need to hide behind steroids or cancer to make a role model of himself!
What You'll Need: You and your friends each need a bicycle, as well as a bunch of black clothing. If you choose to wear pads that's fine, but remember: Knee and elbow pads constrict movement, and since black absorbs every color in the spectrum it deflects pavement pretty well. Winning and safety go hand-in-hand, but the smartest kids know science is just as important!
Diz-rections: Stealth Bike Racing is just like normal bike racing, except you wear all black and do it at night. This adds an element of strategy to the game. Instead of finding the right speed to hit a turn, you'll have to worry about that and whether there's someone beside you or not. Is that a fire hydrant or a friend? A speedbump or a parked car? Houselights or headlights? Only the coolest of the cool will find the answers to those questions, bro!
Watch Your Back! Unlike pavement, black clothing isn't able to deflect moving cars unless your clothes are very, very black. If you're dressed dark enough, however, quantum physics say you should go right through oncoming traffic instead of colliding with it! It's a risky gamble, for sure, but Ace thinks a few weeks in traction is well worth the alternative: Stealth Bike Racing street cred.
For Big Kids Only: Dirtbikes are also good for Stealth Racing, assuming nobody chickens out and turns on their headlights. Try to use the noise your engine makes as sonar, just like Batman, or that bat your mom hit and spent an hour trying to clean off her windshield!
Ace W. High Sez: “Ghostride the whiplash, because the Huffy SEALS want you!”
Oven PrankThe 4-1-1: Enough with the games! Sometimes friends need to play pranks one one another to keep spirits high. Oven Prank lets you play a safe, legal trick on one of your buddies – just make sure he isn't a crybaby, because he'll need to conserve air!
What You'll Need: For this prank to work properly you will need a gas oven. Electric ovens heat automatically, and you wouldn't want anyone to get burned by anything other than your razor-sharp wit. If you don't have a gas oven at your house find a friend who does and make plans for you and your other pals to stay there. His rug may smell like cat pee and you may have to sleep in a cot in the floor, but it'll be worth all the laughs you get. Even if his mom makes nasty fishsticks every time you come over and her iced tea tastes like soap!
Diz-rections: First you have to decide on a friend to prank. Make sure to choose a kid whose parents don't love him too much, otherwise they may come over and yell at your parents. Kids who get bad grades and miss a lot of school are generally good targets. Tell him you're going to play hide and seek, then pull him aside and tell him the oven is a great hiding spot. If he asks why you're telling him this, say he's your best friend and you want him to win. Especially if his parents don't like him this strategy is sure to win him over! Once he gets in, shout “NOW” and turn the little temperature knob on the oven. It will hiss at him, but if you don't touch the igniter it won't light! Tell him it's going to get getting hotter and hotter and watch him squirm. Eventually the kitchen will start to smell like rotten eggs. This is the smell of fear. Once that smell gets so strong you can hardly breathe, let him out of the oven and have a good laugh.
Watch Your Back! Make sure not to pull this prank on a spastic friend or he might break the oven trying to get out. Kids don't have a lot of money, and you'd have to rake a lot of yards to buy a whole new oven! Also, you may want to ask your friend to wear gloves so he doesn't grind his fingertips down trying to claw through the glass. If he asks why he has to wear them, say they're special stealth gloves like in Splinter Cell. Or that you'll tell everyone he's gay if he doesn't.
For Big Kids Only: If you don't have a gas oven and your parents aren't around, you can also use your fridge for this prank. Simply clean it out, take out the shelving, and tell your friend to hide in there. Since fridge doors are thick you likely won't be able to hear him scream; just check up on him in a half hour or so. When you open the door be sure to say something snappy, like “I carrot believe you lettuce put you in there!” Even the guy you pranked will have a good laugh once his circulation system kicks back in!
Ace W. High Sez: “Stove again stove again jiggity-jig / Off to the oven to goof on a friend!”
And that's it! Ace hopes you kids have a happy, safe New Year's Eve, but just like always, keep one thing in mind...
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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