It seems like only yesterday that YouTube first popped up and started hosting loads and loads of unfathomable crap. Since that time, it has grown to become the public access television of the Internet, a rich reservoir of original content showcasing the human condition at its worst, as filmed by a webcam at 320x240 resolution. In spite of the regrettable nature of virtually everything on YouTube, there is something genuinely fascinating about watching people degrade themselves. Of course not all of YouTube is bad or degrading. Rare gems of quality, such as the Complete Works of Steve Sutton and videos of people ghost riding the whip come close to making up for all the horror. Still, horror wins the day, as it invariably does on the Internet.
To help improve the quality of YouTube, I decided to brainstorm a list of videos I would like to see, in essence creating a wish list. Along the way I decided it would be a good idea to ask my fellow writers to help out, as they too have wishes and dreams, in addition to hopes, feelings, longings, and sorrows. If you yourself possess the ability to be filmed, we encourage you to make our holiday dreams come true! There are no prizes to be won, but we might possibly respect you and there is even a slim chance that we might come visit you in the hospital, assuming you severely injure yourself within reasonable driving distance. In all likelihood, however, you will make us regret ever coming up with these ideas – regrets that you are most certainly welcome to share thanks to the miracle of interactivity.
So, without further ado, let us open up the Something Awful YouTube Wish List:
Caylen "Abraham" Burroughsis partially responsible for inspiring this concept. The idea came to me as we discussed elevating the genre of ghost riding the whip to new and glorious heights. Caylen wishes for you to film the following GREAT IDEAS:
It seems only fitting you give Caylen what he wants, as he has given you so much over the years.
Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson, who writes for some godforsaken crevice of this site, was greedy with his wishes. Such a spy young buck, to him the furthest reaches seem but a hop and a skip.
Thank you, lad! I hope at least the first two of your wishes are granted, and the rest quickly misfiled alongside your contributions to the site.
The World's Greatest Homie, Street Cactus, has his own wishes to make.
Merry Christmas to you, gentle architect of ideas and beats.
The jovial atmosphere briefly melted Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell's heart long enough for him to make a wish, thus lifting his embargo on staff fraternization for a few minutes.
A request as simple as decapitation is certainly no stretch for our talented audience. Make the ultimate sacrifice and take your life in horrific fashion for the writer of "Video Game Article!"
David Thorpe, the esteemed Applebee's assistant manger of my heart, wished thus upon his favorite star (Betelgeuse):
Surely requests so simple could easily be granted by the likes of you (and your identical twin)?
|Next, a vulgar young chap by the name of Evan "Pantsfish" Wade called out to the Gods to answer his prayers.|
I'm certain the world will get right on that!
Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink, who I assume is a Jew and therefore an enemy combatant in the War on Christmas, callously derided our holiday with these heathen wishes:
I'm sure somebody has already filmed moving images of coal, you foul creature. Try to crush that into a diamond, why don't you?
|That redheaded trollop, Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz, has long since abandoned Something Awful in favor of working fulltime as a traveling biscuit salesman, but his heart is still with us on the holidays.|
I think we can all agree that your final wish is too profound to be ignored.
Johnny "DocEvil" Titaniumunderstands Christmas perhaps better than anyone, as he purchased for me the gift of 144 black combs. Since then I've basically felt like I can conquer any head of hair out there. Because DocEvil already made my dreams come true, perhaps you could make his dreams come true by granting him his wishes?
On second thought, you probably shouldn't bother.
|At times like these I often ask myself, "What would Dave "Atomo" Gomez, occasional contributor to this site and master of 3d animated baby adventures, wish for?"|
Disclaimer: Atomo is a shareholder in Unilever and therefore has a vested financial interest in promoting the consumption of Ragu brand products.
Zack Parsons, famous author of "My Tank is Fight!" and "Turtle Beach Diaries: The Gangs of Turtle Beach," offered up these ideas he couldn't work into his next book.
Would you deny a famous author his dreams? Surely you are not that coldhearted and frigid?
Shmorkyis very simple, and has but one request in life:
Let's hope his childlike naivete is rewarded.
World-renowned idiot Tom "Moof" Davies was quick to let his inner child take control, as usual.
I hope an elevator lands on your head one day, Moof.
And finally, I, your humble host, wish for the following videos:
If by chance you do decide to try to create any of the videos requested here, please e-mail me post haste with videological proof. In the off chance you get seriously injured making one of these videos I offer my sincerest of half-hearted apologies. And no, you cannot sue us, unless you do so for charity.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.