It seems like only yesterday that YouTube first popped up and started hosting loads and loads of unfathomable crap. Since that time, it has grown to become the public access television of the Internet, a rich reservoir of original content showcasing the human condition at its worst, as filmed by a webcam at 320x240 resolution. In spite of the regrettable nature of virtually everything on YouTube, there is something genuinely fascinating about watching people degrade themselves. Of course not all of YouTube is bad or degrading. Rare gems of quality, such as the Complete Works of Steve Sutton and videos of people ghost riding the whip come close to making up for all the horror. Still, horror wins the day, as it invariably does on the Internet.
To help improve the quality of YouTube, I decided to brainstorm a list of videos I would like to see, in essence creating a wish list. Along the way I decided it would be a good idea to ask my fellow writers to help out, as they too have wishes and dreams, in addition to hopes, feelings, longings, and sorrows. If you yourself possess the ability to be filmed, we encourage you to make our holiday dreams come true! There are no prizes to be won, but we might possibly respect you and there is even a slim chance that we might come visit you in the hospital, assuming you severely injure yourself within reasonable driving distance. In all likelihood, however, you will make us regret ever coming up with these ideas – regrets that you are most certainly welcome to share thanks to the miracle of interactivity.
So, without further ado, let us open up the Something Awful YouTube Wish List:
Caylen "Abraham" Burroughsis partially responsible for inspiring this concept. The idea came to me as we discussed elevating the genre of ghost riding the whip to new and glorious heights. Caylen wishes for you to film the following GREAT IDEAS:
- Two guys who slowly are Ghost Riding their Whips straight into each other in an extremely low speed game of Chicken.
- Two very old men in Civil War reenactment garb loudly arguing about which Video Game console is better.
- An anime tribute music video set to William S. Burroughs narrations.
- Two people in a pantomime horse costume attempting to engage in horse coitus with two other unwilling people that are in a different pantomime horse costume.
- A Professional Athlete vlogging about how difficult it can be to be a multi-millionaire single parent.
- Someone throwing water balloons at technicians inside of CAPCOM at NASA during a launch sequence.
- A bunch of orthodox Jewish teenagers doing parkour at Auschwitz.
- Someone doing a speedrun of Monopoly for the NES (No Chance Cards, No Mortgages, 8 Player Perfect Game).
- A creepy guy with a voice box who does nothing but respond to videos made by teenage girls; criticizing their appearance, taste in music and dance moves.
It seems only fitting you give Caylen what he wants, as he has given you so much over the years.
Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson, who writes for some godforsaken crevice of this site, was greedy with his wishes. Such a spy young buck, to him the furthest reaches seem but a hop and a skip.
- I want to see a guy brushing his teeth with two toothbrushes at the same time.
- I want to see a ghost ride that contains actual ghosts.
- A video of a 7 year old pretending to be Stephen Colbert.
- An overweight man giving a serious movie critique of "Transformers: The movie" where he gets so mad one of his pimples bursts.
- An old lady demonstrating how to use a fleshlight for some public access channel "Sex Talk" knock-off.
- A fan video of a band playing a cover of a Dragonforce song on Guitar Hero guitars.
Thank you, lad! I hope at least the first two of your wishes are granted, and the rest quickly misfiled alongside your contributions to the site.
The World's Greatest Homie, Street Cactus, has his own wishes to make.
- I want to see somebody hang a slip-n-slide (with the water running) over the eave of a house or a balcony and have people do time trials trying to climb up it.
- I want to see morbidly obese people compete over whose fat ripples longer when a 3 lb weight is dropped on their belly button.
Merry Christmas to you, gentle architect of ideas and beats.
The jovial atmosphere briefly melted Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell's heart long enough for him to make a wish, thus lifting his embargo on staff fraternization for a few minutes.
- I'd like to see someone open a Christmas present only to find their own head inside the box. Upon further inspection there's also an iPod in there, so they scream in delight.
A request as simple as decapitation is certainly no stretch for our talented audience. Make the ultimate sacrifice and take your life in horrific fashion for the writer of "Video Game Article!"
David Thorpe, the esteemed Applebee's assistant manger of my heart, wished thus upon his favorite star (Betelgeuse):
- I want to see someone opening the door of a car and peeing into it.
- Identical twins playing ping pong.
Surely requests so simple could easily be granted by the likes of you (and your identical twin)?
|Next, a vulgar young chap by the name of Evan "Pantsfish" Wade called out to the Gods to answer his prayers.|
- I'd like to see a guy shooting a roman candle into a bowl of gasoline.
- I'd like to see someone buy the new the Killers album "Sam's Town" at Target and immediately go "this shit sucks" and fling it in the cashier's face when the transaction is complete.
I'm certain the world will get right on that!
Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink, who I assume is a Jew and therefore an enemy combatant in the War on Christmas, callously derided our holiday with these heathen wishes:
- An old man explaining the hidden meaning behind his local radio station's call numbers.
- A man dressed up as Mario reenacting famous moments from the video game and then he is suddenly hit by a car with the word Irony painted on the side.
- Someone going for the world's highest indoor pole vault in their kitchen, only the ceiling is seven feet high.
- Someone going for the world's longest indoor long jump in their bathroom, only someone trips them before they can start.
- I'd like to see a man who is proud of his new stilts feel inferior when a man with taller stilts comes along.
- I'd like to see U2 do a benefit concert to support the concept of time.
- Also time lapse photography of the thermostat in an office where no one can agree on what temperature to set it to.
I'm sure somebody has already filmed moving images of coal, you foul creature. Try to crush that into a diamond, why don't you?
|That redheaded trollop, Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz, has long since abandoned Something Awful in favor of working fulltime as a traveling biscuit salesman, but his heart is still with us on the holidays.|
- A news anchor doing a report and wearing a bow tie that randomly spins, cracking up the weather guy, who keeps laughing for 2 minutes strait.
- 2 Asian teens singing and dancing to Dr. Roboto until a Yeti sneaks up behind them and smacks their heads together.
- A shirtless Steve Sutton wrestling a bear cub.
I think we can all agree that your final wish is too profound to be ignored.
Johnny "DocEvil" Titaniumunderstands Christmas perhaps better than anyone, as he purchased for me the gift of 144 black combs. Since then I've basically felt like I can conquer any head of hair out there. Because DocEvil already made my dreams come true, perhaps you could make his dreams come true by granting him his wishes?
- I want to see a guy rub a huge handful of peanut butter into his belly button and say "Oh my, now I'm queen of the castle!"
- I want to watch an old man complain about the bats in his garage for a good 6 or 7 minutes.
On second thought, you probably shouldn't bother.
|At times like these I often ask myself, "What would Dave "Atomo" Gomez, occasional contributor to this site and master of 3d animated baby adventures, wish for?"|
- A child beating open a pinata filled with menudo.
- An elderly man wearing sunglasses playing DDR against younger children and stopping halfway through to stand transfixed with rage as a wet stain forms down his leg.
- A crying Indian chief being thrown from a car and coming to rest at a pile of garbage.
- A man swimming laps and downing a mug of Ragu each time he reaches the end of the pool.
Disclaimer: Atomo is a shareholder in Unilever and therefore has a vested financial interest in promoting the consumption of Ragu brand products.
Zack Parsons, famous author of "My Tank is Fight!" and "Turtle Beach Diaries: The Gangs of Turtle Beach," offered up these ideas he couldn't work into his next book.
- A little baby crying as it rolls across the screen on a skateboard.
- A baby being arrested by a dog.
- A baby getting the electric chair for a crime it did not commit.
- I would also like to see two really beautiful women passionately kissing each other and then an alarm sounds and they eat a box of donuts as fast as they can.
- A video of a black guy getting a college degree and then buying a TV at a consumer electronics store and then voting republican.
- Extreme sports types doing the dew and holding the can or bottle out to the camera and they smile as tears stream down their face.
Would you deny a famous author his dreams? Surely you are not that coldhearted and frigid?
Shmorkyis very simple, and has but one request in life:
Let's hope his childlike naivete is rewarded.
World-renowned idiot Tom "Moof" Davies was quick to let his inner child take control, as usual.
- I would like to see a man go to an airport with a bowling ball and pins and set up the pins somewhere with a lot of people and then bowl the ball at the pins and then when security comes I would like to see him try and bribe security with kittens in a suitcase.
- A video where a man buys a hot dog from a hot dog vendor in New Your City and places it under his hat and then walks away (when he lifts up his hat there is already a hot dog and a cheeseburger under it).
I hope an elevator lands on your head one day, Moof.
And finally, I, your humble host, wish for the following videos:
- I would like some enterprising youngsters to mate ghost riding the whip with backyard wrestling, creating the new danger sport for the next generation. The filmed result should involve folding tables and chairs, and at least one frog splash off the whip.
- A video montage of Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage (or look-alikes) trying to incubate as many baby chickens as possible (at least 10 apiece).
- Grainy black and white footage of a hog slowly drowning in a bog, crying out for help, but receiving none.
- Footage of dogs giving their masters haircuts and then climbing ladders.
- A soapbox derby with dogs racing the elderly down a steep hill (preferably in San Francisco or Seattle).
- A man smuggling dozens of hams inside his XXL Tupac shirt.
- A man in a wolf shirt battling a man in a dragon shirt with a man in a flame shirt serving as referee (though who knows where his loyalties lie?).
- A wealthy aristocrat burning vanity woods such as cedar in his fireplace while the rich get richer and the poor get poorer (illustrated in a bar graph off to the side).
- A re-creation of the firebombing of Dresden using miniatures and thousands of crickets in place of people (bonus points if you allow lizards to wander the charred remains in search of roasted crickets).
If by chance you do decide to try to create any of the videos requested here, please e-mail me post haste with videological proof. In the off chance you get seriously injured making one of these videos I offer my sincerest of half-hearted apologies. And no, you cannot sue us, unless you do so for charity.