I ATE A TURKEY FOR DINNAR, THEY TOOK THIS PICTARE THEN
HALO ladies and gentalman, this si yuor friend JEFF K!!! a teh mastarerst computar hackar in teh worald! yuo may know me from my celebratian writeings on my webpaeg whitch si somewhere but I cant find it right now becuases let me tell yuo I haev Winamp open and I cant see My Pictares foldar on this Lunix computar when I run Micorsoft Opra. I USES A ALTERNATING BROWSAR SYSTAM BECAUSE MICORSOFT SUX AND BILL GAYTES EATS MONEY WITH A PITCHFORK FOR BREACKFAST!!!! he si a evil man and BOYCOTT Micorfost becuase if Bill Gapes had his way then we'd all be weareing yogas and are cars would run on burining rubbar until teh sun exploades!! So insteads of useing Micorsfot Intarnat Exploarder, use a alternating web browsar liek Opra or Fenix or Carnival or Blubberry Hills Farm AOL Text Factary. I uses all teh alternating intarnat browsars but now I uses a supar secrat browser Jerry si writeing from coding and he calls it "COOL BROWSAR 98" adn once its doen then well sell it to VA LUNIX for 400000 stock shaeres and then GO IPO DOT COM ORG NET!!! We'll be richar than a fox in a hut and I'll be able to buys my own barn adn some wheat to store for teh harsh Wintar months ahead. AHAHAHA!!!
Jerry has not codeded too much with his browsar becuase he was grounded from his computar machene when his mom founds out him and me were at teh Pizza Hut last night and I kissed teh Galaga machene for letting me haev a free game when I haxored it by useing my skills and intelliect. RAW POWAR OF MY MIND, FOLKS!!! then one of my spacehips was abducted by a pregnant alian man (in teh game, not real life) and he came down to shots me but I shots him first and WHAT DO YUO KNOW, SUDDENLY I HAEV TWO SHIPS JOINED AT TEH WRISTS!!! I was shoting teh alians with teh powar of doublepowar and nothing could stands in my way so I began screaming and teh pizza hut manager Mr. MacDougal says "shut up" and I told him "yuo shut up yuo fagort" and before yuo know it we were kicked out and he stole my petsi cola!!! I PAYED MONEYS FOR TAHT PETSI COLA YUO HOBGOBLIN ADN I WANTS MY MONEYS BACK RIGHT NOW OR ELSE YUO'LL BE ENTARING PAINT CENTRAL, MISTAR!!!! so dont go to pizza hut becuase Mr. MacDougal si a horse's ass and yuo get waht yuo pay for so they must pay Mr. MacDougal in buckets of hair becuase that's all he's worth hahaha/
so Jerry si codeing this new browsar in C-- or Vistual Basic or soemthing because he wants extra credit for our computar class which I AM GETTING AN A IN I mean I'm getting a D but I'll be getting an A once I hackX0r into teh computar mainframe with my TI-81 graphicing calculationar. I palay possum in class adn pretends I dont know computar stuff becuase taht way they'll NEVAR suspect me when I gets an A+ in teh class for SUPAR PERFORMANCE MEASAREMENT!!! In yuor face Mr. Harris, yuor wife's face looks liek a Yeti's pale testical. ROBBLE ROBBLE!!! so jerry's browsar so far lets yuo use a websiet if yuo haev teh website on yuor computar machene but it dosant really uses teh Intarnat so far becuase we dont know how to download teh Intarnet into our computars without AOL. We haev been reading smarty man siets liek Slashdock and Bonzi Buddey but so far we cant figare out how to make our PCPIP sends teh data packets to our faces through a cord so if yuo can help me out tehn emale me by using a URL from a pen and paper thing or soem sort. I used too plays Dungons and Dargons until I saw "Mazes and Monstars" with Tom Hancks and tehn I stopped becuase hey, I DONT WANT TO BE STABBED IN MY HEAD BY AN ELF WITH A SWORD OF +5!!!
but anyways hear are soem EXCLUSIVE SCRENSHOTS of COOL BROWSAR 98 so far, its teh best Intarnat explorar alternative operation systam machene yuoll evar see with yuor eyes:
I A M DOWNLOADEING A pictare hear.
ops an error page, somebody call teh intarnat police!!!
IRAQI SERVARS ARE NOT STABAL ESPECIALY WHEN YUO RUN WINDOZE ON THEM (I LEARNED TAHT FROM SLASHDORT)
As yuo can plainely see, COOL BROWSAR 98 si teh best choise when yuo do teh math and realize yuor computar's data si at risk with Micorsoft's Windows Molestar machene with Jabbascript! Our browsar will not allow maliscsious code to steal yuor data liek a certain other browsar because our browsar si so top secrat and high security taht YUO CANNOT EVEN RUN IT WITHOUT PUTTING IN A 500 DIGIT CODE!!! also yuo cannot run Jabbascript or cookies because wft doubleclick puts beetles in yuor brains. also yuo can downloade things but only a pictare of a Japaneses man and a baby or an image of a mule or a screenshots of soem golf game Jerry's dad palays becuase his knee fell apart aftar he bought teh new dog and teh dog started a fire in his wagon. now his dad screams at teh TV set and says "JERRY GET YUOR FAT ASS DOWNSTAIRS AND CLEAN UP ALL OF THES BUGS FROM MY CARPET!!!" and Jerry cries becuase he's soem kind of fagot heralding from a Dairy queen in teh grate blue sky.
BUT ThIS si not about our COOL BROWSAR 98 whitch yuo will be abal to downloads at CNET DOWNLOADED.COM once we write it and figare out PCP/IP connectians and slip planes or whatevar yuo needs to make teh Intarnat move smooth liek a buttar dish. todays artical si about HACKX0RING FOR TEH WAR IN IRAQ!!!! FREDOM!!! maney nobal hakx0rsz haev reads about a war in Iraq through CNN or CNN.com. They saids "I might not be abel to fights with a guns or tanks, but I WILL FIGHTS WITH HAX0RING AND POWAR OF COMPUTAR MACHENES!!!" so they hackxX0r emeny computar machenes like Saddamhussein.com and ilikeiraq.org (teh "org" stands for "original content"). then they replace teh evil Iraq progapanda machene with PRO US ARMY mesages because teh war of teh futare si not about guns and buillets but computar machenes and textile palants in Taiwan. whoevar controls teh informatian controals teh menstratian, and if yuo haev all teh data then teh war si YOURS FOR TEH TAKEING!!!
So sence I am to young to shots teh guns or drive a tanks through a statue of Abraham Lincon, I haev decideded to create my own haXchkCk0ring team of Intarnat astronauts who will FIGHT FOR FREEDOM FOR AMAMRICA!!! we are called "Team Supar Hackars Numbar 1 #USA" and haev a lot of membars right now and hear si how maney we have (WE WILL HAEV MORE ONCE JERRY FINISHES MAKEING TEH GEOCITIES SITE):
ME (JEFF K)!!!!!: I am teh mastar hackX0r and in charge of defarcing siets with my supar skills and a eloquent resistance of a boathouse. my fingars flys on teh keyboards like ghosts out of a beehive, and when yuo here me clicking keys then yuo know I could steal yuor data if I wanted too, but I dont want to because I am a whitehead hacKX0r witch means I haCKXxR0R for peace and not for personal gains liek riches of a king's man. if yuo wants to hire me and give me a job makeing video games about a racecar from teh future that shots WWII in a alternate reality with dinosores, then emale me whereevar my emale adress si on teh Intarnet, undar a bannar ad for punching a monkey with a slab of beef probaly.
JERRY: he si teh Stunt Cowardinator. he researches targets taht we TAKE DOWN by using BRUTE FORCE ATTACKS liek DOS and WINDOWS 95 through a funnel tube. he also has a PDA he found behind a Raddio Shack and if you turn it on it smells liek cat pee and says "BLIOX" on it! WHAT SI BLIOX?!??! I dont know but I do know taht Jerry runs teh HQ headquartars hear and he will buy a map of teh Intarnat and we will pick and chose our targets from it once we find a place taht sells maps of teh Intarnat, we looked on ebay but we dont have a credit card because I made one but it caught fire aftar a tv show about muppets kissing a cactus.
othar haxXCCK0rsz have hacked sites and put up PRO AMEMRICAN slogans such as "WAR FOR BLOOD IN IRAQ" and "USA RULES TEH SHCHOOL, IRAQ STINKS UP A BUTT." then they put up a pictar of a bald eagal shoting laser beams at Saddom Hussaine. howevar anyboday can haxC0***********************************************************
sorrey I was eating a beagle adn a piece of dough hit teh keyboard and stuck teh keys togethar and before I knew it I was makeing a bunch of typoes on tehis computar machene and it looked vary unporofessianal of me! anyways waht I was saying was taht anybodey can haCkX0r siets in Arabia liek Iraq and China. THEY DONT HAEV TECHNOLOIGIY there, there servers are just sand buckets with RAM glued to them. ITs not hard to get root in a Iraq servar, all yuo haev too do si type in "hack Iraq" and then monopoly moneys starts shoting out of your hard drive and VIOLIN, yuo haev access to there servars! BUT nobodey si good at hacking Amamerican sites liek AOL and AOL HOTMALE, so I have done teh UNIMAGINABAL: I HAEV HACKX0RED MY OWN WEBSITE WITH PRO AMAMRICAN MESSAGES!!! this will teach teh French and IRaq taht NOBODY MESSES WITH USA #1, TEAM SUPAR HACKARS NUMBER 1 #USA WILL RULE AND ONCE WE GET OUR OWN IRC CHANNAL AND GEOCITIES SITE WE WILL BE UINSTOPEDABLE LIEK VA-LUNIX AND TWIZTED AND ICP ROOLZ!!! AHAHAHahahahahahhahaha!!! bye fagots"""
It's a Jungle Out There! Still!
Hey guys, it's your new friend Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here! No, really. It's not Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka pretending to be me like last week. See, the funny thing about last week was that 'ole Rich asked me to update the front page, telling you fine folks about the Comedy Goldmine. And I would have IF I HAD BEEN GIVEN ACCESS TO EDIT SAID FRONT PAGE.
Excuse me. Anyhow, in today’s Comedy Goldmine we continue the comedy rollercoaster known as "Tales from the Zoo", a series of zoo-related stories, straight from the mouth of SA Forum Goon "Bigpeeler". This week, we deal with a monkey with a bad case of sweet tooth.
He patently sat there on the table watching Kathy perform her duties. She'd walk this way and that, and every time she walked by Red, he'd reach out for her. She thought he was being friendly. She didn't know that he had a major sugar jones going on.
After a little bit of this, Red decided to take a more aggressive approach. He went for her purse. Since he was familiar with Jerri keeping the 3-Musketeers in her purse, he figured the same applied to Kathy. He bounded off the table and across the room to the bench where her purse sat. Before Kathy could react, he was going through it. Ironically, Kathy had a Snickers bar in her bag. Red grabbed it and hopped back up on the table. Kathy took it from him, and watched as he sat there looking at her. She had no clue what was going on. She laughed and went to put it back in her purse and Red jumped at her. She stood back away from the table and Red jumped down on the floor. As she held the candy bar above his head, he was jumping straight up in the air, trying to get it from her.
Now that sounds like a sticky situation! If you’d like to hear the rest of the story, then click here! Oh, and Steve, I’m updating the database, okay?
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.