Some of Santa's elves prepare their hourly performance reports.
If you're like 99.9% of the "correct religion" people out there, you've undoubtedly put off the majority of your Christmas shopping until the last possible minute, which (according to our calculations) is today. Yes, Tuesday the 24th is in fact the last clear chance you'll have to show people how much you care for them by purchasing electronic devices handcrafted by underage Japanese slave labor elves. Nothing says "praise the birth of Jesus Christ" quite like a box of miniature RC racers or a gift certificate to the Meat Pile of the Month club. However, we're aware that some of you may have delayed your Christmas shopping not out of malice, but due to the fact that you simply don't have much money to spare. I'm assuming the economy is the worst that its ever been, particularly since the economy is invariably the worst that its ever been this time of year, every year. You probably don't have a job because CNN informed me that the evil conservatives just passed a law requiring everybody to be homeless except the upper 1% of all rich people, who are instead granted godlike powers and the ability to travel through time. Due to lack of time, money, and effort, you may have found yourselves sitting in silence, reading a shitty self-professed "humor" site, and wondering how you will appease the many, many family members on your Christmas list, some of whom are probably fictional characters from the last Anime comic you read. Well wonder no further, as we're proud to present an "Awfully Last Minute Christmas Gift" guide for you suckers who, through your own comical ineptness, somehow forgot to publicly display your affection for Jesus by purchasing something that requires batteries or a significant amount of assembly required.
Gifts for Mothers:
Almost everybody out there has, or at least had, a mother. After all, pregnant females are the cause of nearly 100% of all child births, with the possible exception of famed Hollywood icon Dick Clark, who is Satan. Mothers are usually the motherly type, desiring "creative" gifts that display just how much you love them, even if it is a complete boldfaced lie. Simply put, it's easy to come up with gifts for mothers since they've got that whole "emotion" thing going on and you can pretty much sell them on any piece of crap you toss in their direction just as long as you have some backstory explaining how it reflects your love for them. Here are some simple, cheap gifts that will appease any mother or person who stole you from the maternity ward when you were born and has been claiming to be your mother ever since:
Mom would love this. Why? Because she's contractually obligated to!
The Horribly Mutilated Attempt at Artwork - Any piece of unused shit around the house is a viable candidate for this wonderful heap of love. Kite string, bottle caps, lint, cat turds, roofing nails, used wax lips... it's all good! The one critical item you'll need to tie together this piece of genius is a very large caulking gun. Simply spray caulking all over a slab of plywood, place the random items into the wad however you see fit, and viola, instant art showing off your undying love! Now be aware that your mom might occasionally "call you out" on your project and ask you exactly what the fuck it is or why it's beginning to smell like the time the raccoon died behind the livingroom wall. Here are some quick replies you can shovel out, thereby shutting up the old hag before she has a chance to ask why her wedding ring is buried underneath a lump of yellowing stucco:
"Well mom, the heavily used Tampons on the top of this tribute represent how you reach out and try to help your loving children in whatever situation they're in, no matter how messy. The even more heavily used condoms which festively grace the bottom stand for all the children you never ended up having thanks to dad's prudent stance on childbirth, and showing how special I am to you because I was one of the only sperm to escape these latex deathtraps. Yes, I have saved dad's condoms in a box underneath my bed for the past 17 years just for this gift. That's how much you mean to me, mom." At that point you should start crying or at least light something on fire for dramatic effect.
"I went through your purse, jewelry drawer, and lingerie cabinet to find the things that meant the most to you. I then stuck them all together by using this hot glue gun, which I paid for myself. In doing so, I created a shrine which displays the things you love the most. There is a photo of me buried underneath there somewhere, underneath your black panties I think, but don't plan on seeing it unless you have a chisel and a whole lot of spare time, which you probably will once you realize your car keys are buried underneath this mess somewhere."
A Photo Of Yourself - Mothers often forget what their children look like because they're too busy suffering through hot flashes or whatever goofy issues old women have to deal with. A perfect Christmas present requires a disposable camera and yourself, at least one of which you already own. Snap an emotional photo of you doing something that will forever endear itself in your mother's heart like some kind of parasite which latches onto your aorta and reproduces at an alarming rate. Take a picture of you robbing an elderly Jewish man, pissing on a known rapist's grave, or nailing yourself on a cross just like Jesus did on the first Halloween. Mom will forever remember you as being the deep, emotional, loving person you'll want her to believe you are while she's writing her own will.
Gifts for Fathers:
Dads are more practical, robot-like entities who demand useful gifts which will find a place in their daily routine of doing the exact same thing every day. Your best bet in determining what kind of gift your dad would like involves you monitoring his activities 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and taking note of whatever intensely dull hobby he prefers. Then you might as well throw that note out because chances are fairly good that he's bought every possible tool or item needed to fulfill this hobby. Regardless, you'll have to find some variation on a gift he already owns to appease him in an odd, "strictly out of routine" fashion.
These five dedicated brothers work on building their father a 48-Wood golf club. Way to go, fellahs!
Homemade Golf Clubs - It's a proven fact that all men develop a penchant for golfing once they begin passing through their midlife crisis and realize from that point on, all their activities will revolve around moving slowly, watching grass grow, and becoming increasingly frustrated with life in general. However, most middle to late-aged men own every single golf club, ball, cart, and accessory known to mankind. They spend entire paychecks on drivers the size of pregnant calves, all in the pursuit of hitting a tiny white ball really hard and, ultimately, into a tiny black hole. So what do you give to the golf nut who has every PGA-related event programmed into their TiVO and tattooed onto their foreheads? Simple: a hand-crafted set of golf clubs!
There are two types of golf clubs used in the professional circuit: "woods" and "irons." Woods are used when a golfer wishes to hit their ball into the woods, while Irons are used to hit the golf cart out of infuriation. Practically speaking, it's near impossible to create a decent iron club with household tools such as nails and oven mitts. However, wood clubs are composed of - you guessed it - wood, a common material found inside the souls of trees and your walls. Simply knock down a tree or wall, use a saw or outrageously large pair of scissors to cut the wood into a pole-shaped object of some sort, and then shave a nail file across it for months or possibly years. Eventually you'll have what woodworking experts call "a wooden pole." Now grab a doorstop and nail it to the bottom end of the pole, whichever end that might be. If you nail it to the incorrect end and your dad questions you on this issue, simply claim that your father is a lousy golfer.
Now some of you golfing experts may have noticed that clubs come labeled with various numbers ranging from 1 to something like 19 I think. These figures refer to the suggested "par" for the "hole" the golfer is currently "bogeying" on. For example, if their hole is a par 4, that means they should use a 4-wood or 4-iron or else they will suffer a "birdie" (heart attack). Just like in video games, as the holes increase in number, they become longer and more difficult, so the 19-wood should weigh a good 200 pounds and require severe hydraulic pressure to activate. If dad doesn't have a heart attack on the 19th hole, he'll be sure to thank you for this wonderful present!
Something You Stole From Them - Once a man reaches a certain age and ascends into adulthood, he begins to develop emotional attachments to certain fatherhood-like objects such as television remote controls, their wallet, and any handgun they may have purchased to defend themselves from criminals or pumas. By swiping one of these objects, claiming somebody broke in and stole it, then later returning the object and bragging you "hunted that bastard thief down and beat it out of them," your father will express an incredible sense of joy that could only be reproduced with amphetamines. After all, what's a better gift than something you've loved for years?
Gifts for Siblings:
Brothers and sisters are difficult to shop for, particularly when they've developed a comedic drug habit which prevents them from speaking in any coherent manner. Even if they've never exhibited any symptoms of a drug addiction in the past, it's safe to guess that they're always hopped up on some kind of goofball because, hey, they had to grow up with you and your parents. With this in mind, you should aim to create some gifts which will help put the love of Jesus back into their lives, where it belongs. Not only will you save their soul, but you'll save money with these low-cost gifts!
Get in and get your God on!
The Holy Box - By simply using a large cardboard box and a slightly less large Magic Marker, you can create a Holy Box where your brother or sister can climb into and pray from all day, every day. The Holy Box will be a place of refuge for them, where they can sit and reflect upon their relationship with the Lord. Use the Magic Marker (it doesn't use real "magic" luckily, as that's the tool of the devil) to scrawl the words "HOLY BOX" across all existing words previously printed on the box. For example, you can easily modify the phrase "U HAUL SHIPPING" to read "
U HAUL SHIPPINGHOLY BOX" in mere seconds. Festively decorate the Holy Box with crude drawings of crucifixions and a guy with a beard ("Jesus") so your brother / sister does not confuse the Holy Box with unholy boxes such as the Shoe Box or the Lunch Box. Please take care to draw your crosses the right side up, as the act of turning the box over will immediately change all your crucifixions into upside-down crosses, thereby inviting the Great Satan into your home and providing him with all the access he needs to possess the grandfather clock at the end of the hallway.
The "IOU Slip" - The IOU Slip is a simple, all-purpose, easy gift to give. This piece of paper guarantees that you'll provide some type of service or duty to the sibling whenever they choose to use it, like the Monopoly "Get Out of Jail Free" card, only you don't have to pay for bail. Simply write down the name of some inane service that even you're capable of providing, wrap up this piece of paper in similar looking IOU Slips, and claim the IOU Slip is automatically voided if torn or damaged in any way. Make sure that one of the pieces of wrapping paper is an IOU Slip for $500. That way you can claim, "oh, well I was going to give you $500, but you recklessly tore it up in your fit of greed, you jackass."
When deciding on a service to offer, be creative... but within limits. There are both good and bad services you can offer, so use your own discretion. For example, here are a few "good" services:
Free room cleaning
1000 minutes of AOL dialup access
Free trip to the rollerskating rink
Here are "bad" services you probably shouldn't write down, unless you really want to be on "The Jerry Springer Show" before you're old enough to serve prison time:
Free erotic body massage
1000 minutes of naked Shakespearian drama performed by you
Free trip to the cathouse
I feel that there's still ample time to fulfill the Christmas lists of everybody in your family before the whole "birth of Baby Jesus" day comes along tomorrow. All you'll need is some basic household tools, the unbridled creativity of your mind, and a tough skin which resists scars and bruising. If you do this correctly, you'll experience the best Christmas since 1 AD, the birth of Dick Clark, the Prince of Lies!
Jesus Never Dies in the Goldmine!
That's right, 'tis the season all year 'round over in ye olde goldemine. There are elves (40-something pedophiles who work swabbing the floors at adult movie theaters), toys for all of the world's children (only for children bork in the grand old US of A), and a jolly old fat man with a bushy beard who will come into your house while you are sleeping. Along with all of that fun stuff there are some pictures that goons of the Something Awful Forums made using this picture here:
That poor kid was nicknamed "Winceton" by those photoshopping lunatics and his head was stuck onto more unfortunate things than a tick's head and a tick's head is stuck on some nasty shit on occasion, let me tell you. Go and see it. DO IT! DO IT NOW!!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.