Are You Prepared... For An Adventure Beyond Preparation?
You are now holding the 4th edition ruleset of Dungeons & Dragons, a streamlined reimagining of the world's premiere fantasy roleplaying game.
We have stripped away many confusing and arcane elements that bloated D&D over the years. What is left, we feel, is a bold and thrilling adventure that can be understood and enjoyed by players who have never heard the words "roleplaying game" before, and some who have.
What Is A Roleplaying Game?
Whether you know it or not, you've come across roleplaying in one form or another in everyday life. Think of the people who were born heterosexual like everyone else but decided to become gay because they craved consequence-free attention. Think of your parents, who pretend they're proud of you because their support is all that's keeping you from opening fire on your fellow community college classmates. Think of your significant other's positive reactions to your naked body.
As you can see, people play out roles all the time. A roleplaying game is simply an outlet to channel this same creative energy into having fun while gradually coming around to see that Satan truly is the dark lord that will turn our landfills and sewage to molten lava then force it down our gullets until our intestines boil and our lungs turn to ash.
Before you play, you'll need a few things to ensure a rewarding roleplaying session.
- This handbook
- At least one other person
- Your imagination! (Can also be used to replace other people)
We suggest that you play in a comfortable setting. Try to avoid playing Dungeone & Dragons in a warzone, during a heated and pointless political debate on a cable news channel, or at your girlfriend's parents' house after she gets angry at her father over something inconsequential and retaliates by telling him she had anal sex with you.
If it's at all possible, have plenty of refreshments ready. Roleplaying sure can make you thirsty! For less obvious reasons, also have an industrial magnet handy.
Your first step in playing D&D is the creation of your character. Your character is a dwarf named Carlos, an Adventurer. There you go. In keeping with Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition's motto of "streamline, streamline, streamline... actually we could just say streamline once", every player's character will be an Adventurer dwarf named Carlos.
Free from the burden of having to remember several character's names and races, your brain can focus on imagination and adventure more than ever. Replacing the archetypical Fighter, Rogue, Cleric, Ranger and Wizard classes with an Adventurer class makes roleplaying even easier, thanks to its complete lack of unique powers, attributes, and skills to keep track of.
All adventures begin in Tavern, a tavern. The bartender will send your party on a quest by initiating one of the following options with you:
"I heard there's a dungeon nearby." (starts Dungeonholm Keep)
"That forest is a dangerous place. The townsfolk are afraid to leave the village, and we haven't had a visitor for weeks. I hope some brave adventurers can do something about it." (starts Treeholm Forest)
"I heard there's a graveyard nearby." (starts Cryptholm Crypt)
The above modules are included at the end of this handbook, and more will be available for purchase in your local comic & hobby shops or handed out for free with an abortion at your local clinic - maximum 3 per person per month - as part of our promotional effort to draw in more female players.
Accepting a quest will instantly teleport you to the starting point of the corresponding adventure module.
Once the module begins, you will find that there are no traps or locks to slow the adventure down. When your party opens a chest, each Carlos is awarded "a bunch" of gold. That's the actual measurement. There are no magical items or pieces of equipment to be found (or a personal inventory to hold them, for that matter), so those boring trips to the local merchant to sell your loot are a thing of the past. Also, there are no merchants.
Your journeys aren't all pleasant strolls and bunches of gold, however. Sometimes you need to roll your sleeves up and get dirty...
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
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