Ask Emily Anything!

The crazy advice maven is back and she's brought with her a new plethora of sad lives and misery and barrels. I am not sure what the barrels are for. Just head on over to the brand spankin' new Ask Emily column and read what advice she had to give to losers like you.

I would like to ask you a serious question about hot teenage love. There is a girl in my journalism class, and she is very pretty. I fuck around in class all the time, and she always laughs and says 'Gee, you're really funny.' I think she likes me, and I know for a fact that she's single, but I don't know what to do. She thinks I'm funny, likes my jokes, and is very pretty. I want some advice to get into her pantaloons please!

To find out the answer to this and other hard-hitting questions that affect you and will continue to affect you until you DIE, go over there and read the stuff. It's not like I'm saying all of this for my health, you know.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.