When I purchased my first computer, my best friend nudged me in the ribs with his elbow (the bronze-plated one he won in the 1994 World Elbow Games and still carries around to impress girls) and told me that I'd be able to get all the porn I wanted with it. This came as something of a shock, as I had only bought the device to play the recently announced Daikatana. Was it really possible to get pornography AND become John Romero's bitch with the same marvelous piece of technology? Truly we were living in a golden age. That night I changed into my masturbating pajamas - the pajamas didn't masturbate, technology hadn't advanced enough yet - and sat down to the computer. I was expecting a short safari into the Jungles of Glorious Nudity, but what I got was an eight year long assraping by the Rhinocerous of Frustration in the Serengetti Plains of Depression.
Mmmm yeah, that's the stuff.Opening up my trusty notepad.exe, I typed in "porn" and hit the enter key. Several moments passed, then a full minute and still nothing happened. I was somewhat concerned at this point, but then I remembered that important things always take a long time for computers to process in movies and that this was the most important thing of all. I left the computer to run its calculations overnight, but when I returned nothing at all had changed. I grew up as a simple farm boy without a farm, so I was used to letdowns but I wasn't about to give up. I wanted to see smut and I wouldn't settle for anything less. Watching the World's Wildest Police Chases with the sound turned off was no longer enough.
I gave my best friend a call, and he informed me that I needed an internet to find what I was looking for. Well, he was full of shit. First of all, I couldn't just buy an internet, I had to rent one on a monthly basis. When I finally did get online, there was no porn to be found. My email inbox was full of letters offering me free XXX, but I was never really a big fan of Vin Diesel's work. He showed promise in Boiler Room, I reasoned in the eight page letter I wrote in reply to each offer I had received, but most of his films were action movies and in these roles he wasn't especially charismatic. After checking my email I visited all the obvious adult urls (thespians.com, sabian.com, and newyorkyankees.com), but amazingly came up with nothing. The computer was beginning to infuriate me.
Taking a break from technology, I began studying the ancient texts of Ped-Cros Xing. Xing was a Chinese philosopher who dared to defy the gods and was in turn cursed with severe halitosis. He craved the touch of a woman more than life itself or even the touch of really nice wool, yet his breath had become so vile that no woman accepted his advances. He gave up on life and took up residence in a cave, where he carved crude pictures of naked women and dogs to appease his sexual cravings (don't worry, the dogs were female). These carvings were widely considered the first pornographic images, and it was rumored that he who found Xing's cave would find a wellspring of eternal pornography. For years I worked to decipher the ancient texts and procure some sort of clue as to the cave's location, but made little progress. The only thing I was relatively sure of was that the cave was in China.
Thanks, but no thanks.After all those fruitless years spent studying Xing's texts, I called my friend one last time out of desperation. His advice hadn't helped much in the past, but I was at the end of my rope. His suggestion was somewhat disheartening.
"Why don't you just go to playboy.com or something?"
"Look, I love Nintendo's handheld systems as much as the next guy," I replied, "but I don't have time for games! I need porn and I need it fast!"
"I've got it! Google 'porn'. I do it myself pretty regularly."
I politely thanked him and hung up, but deep inside I was falling apart. He wanted me to try "google" porn? How long had my friend been a pedophile? He assumed I'd like it too, so what did that say about the sort of person he thought I was? I haven't spoken to him since.
I'd like for there to be a happy ending to all of this, but there simply isn't. I've come to realize that my friend was a liar and that porn is impossible to find in the barren wastelands of the internet. If any good has come from all these wasted years, it's that I now realize the errors of my ways. In my single-minded pursuit of the unattainable, I ignored all else, even the very thing that I originally bought a computer for. It seems that at around the time my head was buried in the ancient texts of Xing, Daikatana was released. Playing this game will be carhartic; my first step toward a new life full of happiness and hope.
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Make sure you're hermetically sealed, then check out this week's update!
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