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Nick NolteYesterday @ 10 am
He was at some kind of child welfare office the court made me go to, and he was squinting really hard at a brochure about how you’re not supposed to shake a baby. He seemed to panic a little, and he pulled out a cell phone and started yelling at somebody to “turn off the mixer.”
Powers BootheYesterday @ 11am
I couldn't believe it was really him! He was high on a rock precipice above a road, balancing a boulder on a tiny stick tied to a length of twine such that it would fall on the road if he pulled the string. He was racked with hissing snickers at his own malignance. So handsome!
William ForsytheYesterday @ 11am
Unabashedly plucking off and eating his own scabs at Starbucks. He had plenty all over his body. It seemed like he would never run out. It went on as long as I was there (about 15 minutes), then I came back a few hours later and he was still at it, and this little black guy had joined in.
Mickey JonesLate 1997
Saw this guy come out of his house shirtless and yell at his cat to come in. I thought he looked familiar but I didn’t realize he was famous until I spent a few years, maybe ten years or so, looking at pictures of people’s face on the internet till I finally found him. Now I can die with a little peace, if not dignity.
Michael IronsideYesterday @ 5pm
I went to the aquarium and he was signing autographs outside the penguin thing. People liked him more than the penguins, and the aquarium staff were all talking angrily on walkie-talkies and trying to figure out how to get rid of him, but they didn't have shit on him. Very polite and gracious to fans.
Maria Conchita Alonso????
She’s still got it! I won’t go into the specifics, but I saw her and she’s still got it. Don’t ask me where and when I saw her, because that's not important, but just know ye this: after all these years, she's still got it! Definitely a hot tamale. Still got it.
“Tiny” ListerToday @ 9am
Delivering a lecture on the late works of Raymond Carver at the University of Iowa. From his speech, I take it he and Raymond were very close, especially near the end. He got very emotional and had to stop several times during his lecture. He was wearing his "Zeus" getup from his WWF days to honor Raymond.
Rip TornToday @ 11am
He was at the proctologist's office demanding to see someone right away. When the doctor came out, Rip Torn said "doctor, you gotta help my anus! They don't call me 'Rip Torn' for nothing" and the doctor just groaned and walked away. I gather that there was nothing wrong with his butt, and he does this a lot.
Matt MulhernToday @ 12pm
Saw Matt Mulhern getting mistaken for Bill Paxton outside Spago on Sunset Strip, then later getting mistaken for Bill Paxton outside Amoeba Records. He was wearing a t-shirt that said "Bill Paxton."
Clancy BrownToday @ 1pm
He was at Best Buy, treating an animal very humanely. I was very deeply moved by his display of compassion toward the animal at Best Buy.
Larry B. ScottToday @ 9pm
He was at a Bauhaus concert, trying to get up on the stage. I yelled "Larry B. Scott!" but he didn’t notice, or maybe couldn’t hear me over the music. Eventually the security guys dragged him away, and I could see Daniel Ash point to him and mouth the words "Larry B. Scott!"
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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