This article is part of the Reading Time series.
Stevie, I have received your preliminary report, and I understand you are embedded in a difficult situation. But before we formally review your intelligence from the field, I must brief you on a holiday that you'll witness humans celebrating even in the midst of considerable tumult - perhaps, somewhat pathetically, especially at such a time. The human version of the Santa Claus story contains various distortions and myth-makings, but the True Lesson, which we present to you now in Reading Task format, offers classified information regarding the surprising heroism of some animals, the untrustworthiness of rodents, and the relevance of the red suit and false beard we recently shipped to you by emergency courier and demanded that you wear.
This is Santa Claus. He is the rare villain who operates without a superhero arch-nemesis, mostly because many humans regard him as benign (due to his reputed nonexistence) or benevolent (due to his well-documented history of shameless bribery). Santa Claus serves as the leader of an influential cult: He often recruits children such as this gullible lad to fill his ranks because they're more likely to "believe in him."
When Santa cannot persuade young people to pledge allegiance to his cause, he will occasionally abduct them, using the contracted services of a sleep-inducing fairy. After he has completed his nefarious scheme, he will return the child to its bed, without memories of its complicity. (The fairy lulled our agent into somnolence, resulting in several missing frames within this sequence.)
Santa Claus employs demonic henchmen, commonly misidentified as elves. It takes a hero's eye to recognize their true form. Special Facility-grade goggles captured these creatures lurking at a human ceremony. Untrained onlookers described them as "jolly."
Santa Claus uses mice as spies, but he has been successful at spreading propaganda that reduces suspicion regarding their covert activities. For example, conventional knowledge holds that mice do not "stir" on Christmas Eve, but this surveillance photo (note the relevant calendar page) depicts a rodent family meeting to plan and discuss seditious acts.
This mouse sneaks into people's houses and animals' barns, then reports back to Santa.
The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.
There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
Experience several minutes of top-tier modern game design for FREE.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Raised and trained in a mysterious facility, piteous brute Stevie seeks answers.