Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the crosshairs...Right now America rests nervously in the crosshairs of danger. A sniper is on the loose and he aims to shoot everybody, completely at random no less! People are walking in zigzag formations, constantly making sure they're behind proper cover, and avoiding public places because they fear that a sniper might shoot them. Everybody in the sniper's hunting ground is living paranoid and fearful that their bodies may become host to deadly metallic pathogens that doctors call "bullets." What's troubling is not so much the fact that somebody with a sniper rifle is out killing people, because life is all about throwing you lemon curveballs, but that we are neglecting an even greater threat to our safety and well being. Last year, it wasn't snipers we worried about. It wasn't even terrorists! Not by a long shot, for we were too busy worrying about surprise shark attacks. The death toll was high and the media never shut up. Sharks were unstoppable and they could strike anywhere without any warning. Children were kept away from schools, churches and stores were abandoned, and everywhere Americans were securing their homes with shark nets. The Great White Threat was something everyone had to confront, even really great white people. For them, it was perhaps the most difficult.
As far as I know, millions of sharks are still on the loose. Any one of these sharks could turn into a killer, if not a genocidal warlord or even a terrorist. Why then are we worrying about a sniper and leaving ourselves vulnerable to surprise shark attacks? I think it's safe to say our priorities are seriously screwed up in this most paramount of matters. Now I'm not saying that the crosshairs of a sniper are a safe place to be, not unless you're made of Kevlar or you're in the process of committing suicide, so don't think that sharks are the only fish in the proverbial sea that is danger. Obviously both sharks and snipers are the primary threats facing mankind and there really is no way to protect against a surprise attack, but there is most certainly a way of determining who and what the surprise attacker is and how you should react. That's why I'm preparing for you this handy chart to help you understand the complex ecosystem of trouble we live in, filled with fierce snipers and hungry sharks ready to devour man flesh.
SAFETY GUIDE: SHARK OR SNIPER?
|You're swimming out at sea and you suddenly feel a set of large teeth dig deep into your flesh.||You're either being bitten by a shark or a sniper who lost his gun in the water and is still desperate to kill you.In all likelihood, it's the shark.In either case, scream and amputate the area being bitten.There is nothing stronger than a shut jaw, so whatever gets bitten is gone for good.|
|You're walking to work when you suddenly feel a bullet pierce through your skull, splattering your brain matter into mush.||Chances are a sniper has just shot you in the head.Seek medical help immediately and request that somebody suck the bullet out before it causes an infection.|
|You just lost a lot of money playing pool because your opponent never missed a single shot.Also, razor sharp teeth are digging into your bones and a bullet appears to have established residency in your abdomen.||You have been victimized by a pool shark, bitten by an actual shark, and shot by a sniper.In feudal Japan, this was considered the least honorable way to die.If you survive, make it your life's mission to restore honor to your family name by killing and eating the shark, shooting the sniper right between the eyes as he prepares to snipe you a second time, and winning your money back from the pool shark.If you can work in scoring with the pool shark's wife, you're a true master of revenge.|
|While directing the citizens of your rogue nation to kill in your name, a large fish pulls you underwater leaving you disoriented and vulnerable to death and/or rape.||By holding an impassioned and deranged political rally by a large body of water, you opened the door to a pain dance party with special guest DJ Shark.If you fail to survive, the chain of command dictates that the shark assumes all control of the government, so do your best to survive.Hint: play dead or shoot the shark with a harpoon gun.Harpoons are the kryptonite of the seas.|
|While leading your squad through the jungles of Vietnam, a barrage of bullets take down several of your men and force everyone to seek cover.||This is an obvious case of sniper fire, but it's completely justified since you have no business leading a squad of armed soldiers through the jungles of Vietnam.The war is over, you nutcase!|
|You're enjoying water park activities when you're devoured whole.||It would appear that a shark has consumed your person.Stay still and call for help on your cell phone.If you don't have a cell phone, immediately enlist the help of Aquaman or Namor, two individuals with experience in negotiating underwater hostage situations such as the one you're in.|
|You're running to bombsite #2 but are stopped dead in your tracks by an unseen attacker.||Some camping AWP whore with no skill shot you.While dead, proceed to juxtapose the quality of his character, skill, and attitude with female genitalia.Do not stop doing this, even when the match restarts.Nobody likes a quitter.|
|After being forced to "walk the plank," you see several fins skimming just above the water's surface in your direction.||It's possible these are dolphins or extremely malformed penguins, but you should only be so naïve!Always work under the assumption that anything with a fin is a shark.To defend yourself, you will need to utilize expert timing.Wait until the first shark raises his or her head above the water, and then splash them in the eyes with, well, water.If you have a jar of acid handy, that's even better.There is nothing more disorienting than getting splashed in the eyes.Repeat this process until all remaining sharks are confused and blinded.With the sharks distracted, you're free to run away, preferably towards the sunset.|
The absolute most important thing for everybody to remember is that nowhere is safe. The only aid a shark needs is a body of water, and because of a dependence on water, you're never far from one. The only thing a sniper needs is a gun and some bullets. What's worse, these two forces of evil share a common enemy: you. Never let your guard down, not on land, nor sea, nor air. It's only a matter of time before sharks evolve wings and snipers start riding on them. When that happens, you can bet your weight in Dutch cholocate that the end is near.
Workin' in the Goldmine
Well it's that time again folks, and over at the Something Awful Forums the goons have been busy preparing for you a plethora of craziness and sand, not necessarily in that order. This week's theme is "Bad Times for Verizon to Test its Wireless Network." WARNING! It contains some pictures of that annoying gay man with the trendy glasses.
Go look at them, they are purdy like the ponies were after Daddy got mad.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.