There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
Before I get to the list of the summer fashion trends you're sure to see in 2013, we should probably address the elephant in the room. Yes, it's a tiny bit late. It's practically still summer in some places, so everything here is 100% applicable and prescient
I’ve been using this thing on my dog and I’ve got him smooth as a marble. It’s getting harder to coax him out of the closet he’s been hiding in, but he’s never been sleeker. Wish I could get the hair underneath his skin, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Sooner or later I’ll get that too.
Came to identify a body. Noticed this fountain in the corner and decided to help myself. The experience was so awful it soured the rest of my day. There was mold all over the spigot, and a heavy buildup of hardened phlegm inside. I felt terrible knowing my son's corpse was sitting so close to such a miserable excuse for a fountain.
I got this for a costume party, but felt so good wearing it I haven't taken it off yet, and the party was weeks ago. People now call me "that weird shirt guy" and sometimes just "him." Feel like I'm making a real name for myself now!
Idiotic product for idiotic people. Putting your face in a mask isn't going to make you look younger. If you want to look younger, you have to use science, and science is crystals and magnets. Wake up me when you figure out a way to put my head in a crystal and bombard it with magnetic rays.
This is one steamy fountain. The locker room girls can be real pests, whipping you with towels and calling you a pervert, or trying way too hard to get your attention. Just ignore 'em, because the water here is the real attraction. Perfect flowing fountain with a clean sip. The basin drainage is a thing to marvel at.
BROKE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. Like within five minutes of taking it out of the box and having my brother in law Shaun throw it at head, the thing was on the floor in a million pieces. Thanks for all the dumb skull pieces, SkyMall. Real scary.
I HAVE BEEN A MODEL BOSS. I removed all the raccoons and possums from the soup vats. There's no more yowling to distract you from work. I have reintroduced rats into our intricate ecosystem to keep insects from contaminating our soups. Finally, I have managed to purge the last of the rockabillies from our ventilation ducts and soupyards.
I recently got into T-shirts and have been buying as many as I can. They are comfortable and do a great job keeping you cool in the summer, allowing your arms to breathe. I don’t know who this Bob Marley fellow is, but if he endorses T-shirts, he’s got the right idea. Put on a t-shirt. You won’t regret it, buddy.
This is literally the absolute perfect addition to my tar pit. It's been driving me nuts seeing that tar pit sit empty all these years. Thank you SkyMall. Now I can start having ladies over to the place again.
"There are two fountains here, one lower for persons in wheelchairs, one higher for persons not in wheelchairs. The taller one has an entire raw chicken impaled on the bubbler. I got sick after lapping up the water that oozed out from the chicken's pores." -HydraDad
Mother's Day is just around the corner, and that means you're an awful child because you haven't purchased a gift yet. Don't despair! Bradford Exchange, the SkyMall of the trailer park set, has put together a large assortment of gifts that could, in theory, be presented to a lady who birthed you.
IS IT WORKING? I've spent about three hours just running it back and forth over a carrot, hoping it would give me some indication when the carrot was safe to eat. I’ll keep running it over the carrot until I get a response. Some kind of progress bar or robotic voice saying something like "WARNING! FECES DETECTED" would be great.
Pointless. The "sensor" gizmo is not smart enough to differentiate between common bird species. SkyMall, please let me know when you develop a product that can specifically target the nervous systems of birds I don't like. I've got some rude characters in my yard, and I want them to suffer for what they've done.
I must warn the more sensitive among you that the particulars of my crime are not for the faint of heart. The words that follow are a graphic account of the incident, and they may leave you feeling weak of stomach. Let me also state, as a courtesy to my business associates, that I alone am accountable.
We decided these shoes were not ideal and shipped them back. By mistake we shipped them back with the dog still wearing them. WE HAVE BEEN ON THE HORN WITH SKYMALL FOR DAYS TRYING TO GET OUR DOG BACK but they have no records of getting her. AT LEAST GIVE US A REFUND, JERKS!!!!
Like many people, I have squandered my life going to an office, sitting at a desk and staring at a dumb monitor all day. I'm sick of the grind and sick of being just another fat cog in the machine. So I quit. I'm giving all that up to focus on making an easy living using Fiverr.com.
DOES NOT WORK AS ADVERTISED. Thought it would smooth out my fat, but all it did was move it to the right side of my body. Now I'm debilitatingly asymmetrical and can no longer hold down gainful employment as a toll booth operator.
Following a dramatic year of upheaval and loss, Shaggy Butte’s drinking fountain enthusiasts look back on the town’s best and worst places to grab a sip of water.
I have tried all of SkyMall's complicated head and neckware, and this is by far the least uncomfortable. The main benefit of this product is that there are no extra parts putting pressure on your eyeballs, grinding away at your scalp, or blasting your head with lasers.
Before you is the top secret log of historical changes presided over by the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. We endeavor to protect the timeline from malfeasance and tampering, and strive to witness firsthand the greatest moments in history.
For those of you who missed the big NASA press conference last night, I went to the trouble of taking some detailed notes. It has been an especially stressful time for NASA given the disaster that occurred, and you can tell they are straining to come up with solutions to help the astronauts and cosmonauts still in danger.
I know this says it is for dogs, but that probably just means it works twice as good on humans like every other dog product. Can I safely fill my mouth with this stuff? I'm going to try it and assume I can. Here I go.
Society member Burt fixed a very miniscule and hardly noteworthy historical deviation in the timeline that caused Emily Dickinson to be devoured by a Tyrannosaurus rex.
I got this for my horse who has been under a lot of stress lately. Long story short we are no longer on good terms. What a terrible product. I will not be recommending this head/eye scratcher to others and I am a very influential person.
The men in this town have no decency. I used to think there were some upstanding gentlemen here, but now every man from here to Welpsburg is tearing his clothes off and acting mad as all get out in that fountain. I don't see what's so special about that young lady's singing. It makes my ears hurt.
Adds just the right amount of maturity and beauty to my living room, which is sort of mostly Spider-Man themed. I like this table and may continue to gravitate towards a female legs motif and phase out the Spider-Man stuff, depending on how things go with dates. Keeping an open mind and open heart.
Burt's PowerPoints is proud to announce its INDEPENDENCE DAY SALE! Today only all of Burt's most valuable and coveted custom PowerPoints presentations are marked down and priced to sell. Need to communicate something important? Big or small, funny or serious, Burt has a PowerPoint to fit your every whim and fancy.
America is in the grip of election fever again. All across this great land our citizens face some truly difficult choices in the voting booth. One election is not so simple, and the choice couldn't be more clear. Vote for me, humble American, for unlike my opponent...
Nameless Skeleton, word of your deed has reached my post miles beneath you. I am impressed, for you are the first of our wretched kind to ever successfully pop out of a barrel and kill a mortal.
We don't need marketing. Our soups appeal to a large audience. We've captured almost all of the wife beater market and angry dads prefer our soups two to one. You can't buy that kind of success. You earn it by making the meanest soup the world has ever seen.
CONS: Plays fast and loose with Three Laws of Robotics. I personally witnessed it operating with a cat inside, allowing harm to come to it. The cat was showered violently in its own waste products before being deposited into a tiny drawer of filth.
Greetings to you, my fellow American Carnivore. I am pleased and delighted to bring you another edition of my celebrated periodical, the most spirited tribute to the healthy and unabated consumption of all living beasts.
Works like a charm! Have accrued over 80 hours of video of a certain family dog dragging his buttocks on the carpet. Will be presenting this evidence in a kangaroo court in our living room. Open and shut case, family. A slam dunk for sure. This dog is guilty and going to doggy prison.
Society member Herold caused a time loop that resulted in an endless NPR pledge drive. The source of the loop has been eliminated and the pledge drive should come to its natural conclusion in about three years.