Once again I'm stuck with a useless egg man statue and nobody to tend to my robust physical and emotional needs. Worst of all, the egg man didn't even come with a stool. I have to share my recliner and bed with him, and he is not sensitive to my needs at all.
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
Makes baby look too appetizing. Also I have my thigh stuck in one and I can't get it off. It's so tight around the skin I can't cut it without risking injury. IT'S A LONG STORY AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
All these idiot women saying we are misogynists need to get a clue. #GulperGate is about protecting something precious and important: the flow of water. This is once again the actions of a radical feminist pushing her standards on the local drinking fountain community, which by pure coincidence, is made up entirely of single men.
I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.
By now everybody in town knows what went down at Slurry Creek. Hope got her long-overdue comeuppance. Boo hoo. If history tells us anything, we've got a solid month before everyone forgets her and starts fawning over some new darling dog.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Dogspotting is the act of assigning points to the dogs you see in your daily travels, and it's the world's fastest growing sport. Orthodox Rules make dogspotting even more fun and challenging with additional bonuses, penalties and multipliers.
Cons: Have to leave camp to steal batteries, sometimes catch a glimpse of my reflection in spatula and recoil at the terrible thing I've become. Very difficult to receive packages at my current location.
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
I usually bring some tongs to remove the used condoms people leave in the basin. The fountain itself is glorious. It's got a powerful flow that's not overwhelming, so every sip is just right. The basin is deep enough you can dip your hands in to splash your face.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
So many dogs are just happy to be near him, and it's kind of reassuring. Normally dogs here are very territorial, but it's not uncommon to see 40 or even 50 dogs all peacefully resting around him in a circular formation. It's a welcome sight if you ask me.
Here's how it went down: bought a dinosaur to bury and surprise my kids by digging it up with them. I don't remember where I buried it, so, basically this thing is a huge waste of money and a total rip off. It's not even real anyway. Give me a damn refund.
If there's some kind of drone pilot for these things, please have my unit return to me at once. You guys have an unsatisfied customer in the making right here.
A couple months ago I saw Ambrosia and Nectar spooning in the park. I very delicately inserted myself in between them and Ambrosia tried to bite me. Nectar was very polite about letting me drag him a few feet, but Ambrosia was just completely out of control and disrespectful.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
I bought the male gorilla and inspected him top to bottom. Even flipped him over to see the underside. I can tell you with absolute authority they did not do their due diligence in terms of anatomy. Important orifices are missing, making this thing 100% non-functional.
This is the dog that was stuck on the roof of CVS for three months, right? He was up there barking all the time, eating birds, p***ing off the edge? I remember the fire department finally brought the ladder in to get him down, but he had somehow disappeared.
Your typical wall-mount unit, run through hell. Homeless people often use this fountain to bathe, and as such, there can be a long wait and lots of naked men with visible sores. I was patient and waited over an hour for my turn, and it was not worth the time. Water ran rusty, weak flow, and missing a push button.
Thank you for your amazing support. I can't tell you how awesome it was to see others believing in me. Not only did we prove crowdfunding is the future by smashing past our funding goal, we proved original, thoughtful ideas win out over the same mindless tripe served up everywhere else.
I had a dream, Jerry. This isn't like all the other dreams about you I've spent hours discussing with my therapist. This one told me it was time to break the silence and finally extend an olive branch. I've hurt you enough. You need me to be your step-brother again
Love it! This works better than my old method of awkwardly squeezing my head and torso into a pillowcase, especially since I often got stuck or lost circulation in my limbs/head.
There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
Before I get to the list of the summer fashion trends you're sure to see in 2013, we should probably address the elephant in the room. Yes, it's a tiny bit late. It's practically still summer in some places, so everything here is 100% applicable and prescient
I’ve been using this thing on my dog and I’ve got him smooth as a marble. It’s getting harder to coax him out of the closet he’s been hiding in, but he’s never been sleeker. Wish I could get the hair underneath his skin, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Sooner or later I’ll get that too.
Came to identify a body. Noticed this fountain in the corner and decided to help myself. The experience was so awful it soured the rest of my day. There was mold all over the spigot, and a heavy buildup of hardened phlegm inside. I felt terrible knowing my son's corpse was sitting so close to such a miserable excuse for a fountain.
I got this for a costume party, but felt so good wearing it I haven't taken it off yet, and the party was weeks ago. People now call me "that weird shirt guy" and sometimes just "him." Feel like I'm making a real name for myself now!
Idiotic product for idiotic people. Putting your face in a mask isn't going to make you look younger. If you want to look younger, you have to use science, and science is crystals and magnets. Wake up me when you figure out a way to put my head in a crystal and bombard it with magnetic rays.
This is one steamy fountain. The locker room girls can be real pests, whipping you with towels and calling you a pervert, or trying way too hard to get your attention. Just ignore 'em, because the water here is the real attraction. Perfect flowing fountain with a clean sip. The basin drainage is a thing to marvel at.
BROKE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. Like within five minutes of taking it out of the box and having my brother in law Shaun throw it at head, the thing was on the floor in a million pieces. Thanks for all the dumb skull pieces, SkyMall. Real scary.
I HAVE BEEN A MODEL BOSS. I removed all the raccoons and possums from the soup vats. There's no more yowling to distract you from work. I have reintroduced rats into our intricate ecosystem to keep insects from contaminating our soups. Finally, I have managed to purge the last of the rockabillies from our ventilation ducts and soupyards.
I recently got into T-shirts and have been buying as many as I can. They are comfortable and do a great job keeping you cool in the summer, allowing your arms to breathe. I don’t know who this Bob Marley fellow is, but if he endorses T-shirts, he’s got the right idea. Put on a t-shirt. You won’t regret it, buddy.
This is literally the absolute perfect addition to my tar pit. It's been driving me nuts seeing that tar pit sit empty all these years. Thank you SkyMall. Now I can start having ladies over to the place again.
"There are two fountains here, one lower for persons in wheelchairs, one higher for persons not in wheelchairs. The taller one has an entire raw chicken impaled on the bubbler. I got sick after lapping up the water that oozed out from the chicken's pores." -HydraDad
Mother's Day is just around the corner, and that means you're an awful child because you haven't purchased a gift yet. Don't despair! Bradford Exchange, the SkyMall of the trailer park set, has put together a large assortment of gifts that could, in theory, be presented to a lady who birthed you.