People can't stop talking about this Donald Trump character. He's said a lot of crude and hateful things over the years, and demonstrated a tremendous lack of judgment, discipline and decency. If you ask me, he's not fit to be our president. In fact, he's not even fit to be mayor of Buffoontown.
Tensions are mounting as Shaggy Butte's thirstiest gulpers have been hung out to dry. The Rug Emporium, home of the town's most popular fountain, has been taken over by foreign invaders.
Video games like Car Chess, Bear Escape Arena, Just Us Hogs, Get Back Here 2, Travel Agency and Yelling! are all the rage these days, thanks to amazing graphics and irresistible action. But did you know that their existence is no mere accident? Every game is actually created by skilled professionals in a laboratory setting.
May has been a trying month for Shaggy Butte's resident fountain fanatics. Drought restrictions have resulted in many popular fountains running dry, and penny-pinching businesses have cut back on fountain upkeep. In the end, many once-promising bubblers are now serving up some truly sour sips.
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
Here is what I stand before you to declare: I am disgusted beyond all measure by the growing abundance of small dogs in the world. This vile plague has been spreading from Europe and the Orient with increasing potency.
That newspaper article is paying off big time. I just got off the horn with a man I've never met: my father. He recognized my photo in the paper and wants to come here and meet me. I want every last one of you working twice as hard cleaning this place up. My dad is coming tomorrow, and I want Bear Cave Soup to look like a million bucks.
RETIRED HAMHOUND – German bred and trained, skilled at tracking lost or stolen hams, cooked, frozen or in between. Has saved many holiday meals and aided police in countless cases. Gentle, friendly, healthy and professional. Comes with many civic awards. 555-9285
It was love at first sight when I first glimpsed the Parisian Poodle Serving Table, which seemed the perfect complement to my home. Unfortunately, that very same home was taken from me when the tunnels I was digging underneath collapsed, causing the entire structure to be condemned.
COLORFUL TUBED DOG - Our morbidly obese bulldog Windsor got stuck in one of those colorful obstacle course tubes. It's already grafted to her skin. Tube is about 10 feet long and neon orange. Put food in front end of tube, shake out other end over dumpster. 555-3318
WHAT a RIPOFF!!!!! You can get the same effect by smiling at the sun for a few hours every day, which is what I do. Guess what, bucko? The Sun is 100% free, delivered to your front door every day.
Even when you picked up too many laser guns, so many that you could barely move and then spent five minutes carefully discarding individual pieces of garbage from your pockets -- all while I fought our enemies with little hope of survival -- you showed phenomenal fortitude.
From now on, you're going to do exactly what I say, and only what I say. I am the only one here who knows what we're up against. We're on the razor's edge here, inches away from the King Frog Scenario. In case you idiots failed Soup History 101, that's what brought down so many of the greats.
Best thing I've ever done was buy a set of these and set them up in place of our old TV. Now my family and I spend two solid hours of prime time every night looking them over from across the living room. We're having a lot more fun and best of all...no more arguing over the remote!
It's been a painful month thus far for Shaggy Butte's steadfast sippers. While a few fountains have shown great promise, such as the VFW Hall's new fountain, many are pumping out plenty of disappointment. Unless you've simply gotta try 'em all, keep your thirst away from these certified diarrhea hydrants.
Not only are glass houses challenging to live in, they're also expensive. It cost me a fortune to hire a team of glass blowers to construct an entire ranch-style house out of pure glass. You should be criticizing me for that, not me throwing a stone.
I just became aware of this Alice Cooper creep. Apparently this clown is putting on some kind of rock show over at the arena. I don't care for him, his music, his appearance, his attitude or any part of his act. It's disgusting. As of today, he's banned from the premises.
A fitting tribute to Crabnar, our Lord and Savior from the Briny Depths below. I shall pray always to this altar, and make sacrifices worthy of His Succulence.
Does not handle moisture well. When I took it in the shower, it didn't take long before I got a really nasty shock and then smoke started coming out. This clearly was not engineered to withstand normal wear and tear.
Once again I'm stuck with a useless egg man statue and nobody to tend to my robust physical and emotional needs. Worst of all, the egg man didn't even come with a stool. I have to share my recliner and bed with him, and he is not sensitive to my needs at all.
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
Makes baby look too appetizing. Also I have my thigh stuck in one and I can't get it off. It's so tight around the skin I can't cut it without risking injury. IT'S A LONG STORY AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
All these idiot women saying we are misogynists need to get a clue. #GulperGate is about protecting something precious and important: the flow of water. This is once again the actions of a radical feminist pushing her standards on the local drinking fountain community, which by pure coincidence, is made up entirely of single men.
I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.
By now everybody in town knows what went down at Slurry Creek. Hope got her long-overdue comeuppance. Boo hoo. If history tells us anything, we've got a solid month before everyone forgets her and starts fawning over some new darling dog.