Ding Dong, the Radar's Dead
As you progressed through your work day yesterday, plodding across meaningless email messages and incessant coworker blathering, I'm sure you felt an intangible emptiness inside your soul. A deep void that couldn't be filled by standard items such as booze, speedballs, or religion that worships booze and speedballs. A blackened pit of despair that you could fit an entire dinette set into with enough room left over to seat the entire Kennedy family and their weather-balloon sized skulls, assuming you can fish them out of the drunk tank long enough. In case your work proxy bans you from shady sites such as Blues News, Shack News, and that one site run by the guy who beats up all the other webmasters, let me break the bad news to you:
Yes, Daily Radar, the site that offered groundbreaking industry news items such as "Alternative Ways To Kill A Vampire" and "20 Gnarliest Torture Devices of All Time", has finally gone under, taking the gazillions of dollars poured into them down the drain. The entire Internet cried a collective eTear when Daily Radar posted their going away message on their website, as everybody realized that they'd soon have to find another site which assaulted them with approximately 50,000 popups each page. You see, Daily Radar had a talent, a knack, a unique way of seamlessly mixing worthless advertisements with worthless content to produce the ultimate collection of worthless webpages, a series of Internet trailer homes that tossed their trash into the public each and every day. If for some reason you had a hundred small black pieces of tape all over your screen and failed to see all the tiny ads laced into every article like a bunch of razor blades floating around a bottle of infant formula, the cavalcade of popup ads would undoubtedly assault you into submission. I'm sure various Southern death penalty supporters would be interested to know how one site managed to digitally convert the electric chair, lethal injection, and gas chamber into one single site, without providing a single link to Goatse.cx.
However, now that Daily Radar is dead and 98% of the Internet's popup ads are gone, viewers of the site (all nine of them) have been sent into the black hole of the Internet, unaware of where to go next. Their home, their sanctuary on the Internet, bit the bullet that had been following them since the day the Internet forgot to take its anti-fungus medication and Daily Radar was born. These viewers are currently in website limbo, with various news and entertainment sites fighting for their readership by posting various monosyllabic news updates about boobs or Tomb Raider or Tomb Raider's boobs or the effect of boobs on the boobs of Tomb Raider's boobs. Since nobody visits this site without losing a bet or falling for the infamous "KEYWORD: CRAP" AOL software prank, I think I should probably be fighting for this new demographic as well. In an effort to grab these young and impressionable viewers from the Daily Radar fallout, I am going to start catering Something Awful to this exiting new group of people. Let me present to you the first in a series of groundbreakingly wonderful new installments:
That's right, Something Awful is exploding all over the scene with this fresh and in your face new feature, designed to enable the community and provide a vertical market reach for the eUniverse cybercity of virtual viewers! We've consulted our marketing experts via the community prison phone, and they have convinced us that the Daily Radar fallout will be most positively pulled toward this site by a series of mentally taxing exciting new games. And since the average Daily Radar fan doesn't have Flash installed on their mom's Packard Bell, nor do they know how to download anything but the average "MAKE TEN BAZILLION DOLLARS BY STUFFING ENVELOPES FULL OF RADIOACTIVE ISOTOPES IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN LIVINGROOM" email messages, we've reverted back to the "retro" or "classic" or "stupid" game design that ANYBODY can play (NOTE: not anybody can play. For example, dead people can't). Simply apply a layer of plastic wrap to your monitor, grab a magic marker, and get ready to head towards Funsville, population: YOU! If you can't find a marker, then cut your wrists and use the blood to write on the plastic wrap. If you can't find any plastic wrap, then simply write on the monitor. If you can't find a monitor, then you might have accidentally locked yourself in the bathroom, in which case you should scream for your health care worker to grab the Jaws of Life and pry your fat ass out of the goddamn tub.
FUNTIME READER PUZZLE #1: CONNECT THE DOT!
Connect the dot to form a picture rendered by a state-of-the-art 1D animation program! We've employed the top experts in the field of 1D modeling to create this vivid and photo realistic image which can only be seen by connecting the dot and completing the puzzle! Are you up to the challenge? Probably not, but the resulting image will be well worth the effort! Despite being rendered fully in 1D, this picture still contains more polygons than the average Battlecruiser 3000 AD Millenium Ultra Platinum Derek Smart Brainial Cranial Mega Edition spaceship model.
FUNTIME READER PUZZLE #2: CRAZYMAZE ADVENTURE BONANZA!
Can you find your way through this intensely frustrating maze? Watch out for the hundreds of twists and turns tossed into the game to throw you off and ruin your progress! More confusing than your average issue of "Maxim" magazine and their mind-bogglingly complex articles such as "HOT WOMEN OR FAST CARS: WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER LIKE TO FUCK IN THE ASS?" However, after getting through the maze, you won't feel like every single other man in America has a much larger penis than you. Which they do, by the way.
FUNTIME READER PUZZLE #3: SPELLING FUN!
Spelling can be fun while playing through the latest Something Awful brain puzzling teaser stretcher! Read the word on the left and then attempt to spell it on the blanks to the right! You're learning AND having a blast! If you have any difficulty spelling certain words, particularly the last one (which has proven to be a hard time with certain six-year olds and members of the canine family), don't feel bad if you have to look it up in a dictionary. If you can't find a dictionary, use a thesaurus or the back of a Wendy's kids' menu.
I hope all my new readers have enjoyed this special bonus DAILY RADAR FUNTIME READER PUZZLEHOUR extravaganza. I'm glad to provide a new home to my new and distinguished readers, most of which will be overjoyed to see a sharp increase in "ass jokes" on this site. While SA may not be able to steal as many copyrighted Nintendo images as Imagine Media and Daily Radar, I'm sure that we'll find ourselves in just as many uproarious lawsuits involving companies with much more money than I. I'll make sure to keep you all informed with a series of comical popup ads that multiply every second.
I AM MURPHY'S LAW!
If you've tried to email me the past five days or so, I have not read your message yet, as I've been without a computer. You see, I had my computers shipped via UPS second-day air, a service which not only costs a lot, but also has the additional benefits of not arriving within two days or in one functional piece. Out of the three computers I shipped, two arrived so damaged that they refuse to boot up and the third one hasn't even come yet. I'm fairly certain that the UPS employs club-carrying trolls who hate everything associated with humans to help them in their moving process. Give me a week to procure a functional computer, at which point I'll begin the ultrafun process of rebuilding all my systems and trying to salvage as much data as possible.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.