Greetings readers from Tucson to Tulane! It's Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka here with your Tuesday entertainment scoop o' da week, giving you the "what's what" of the "who's who" in the ol' Hollywood rumor mill grinder! Today's Tuesday Scoop is sponsored by HBO's upcoming new and original cable series "Necrophiliacs," the absolute funniest and most edgy hour-long situational comedy revolving around the previously taboo subject of necrophilia! Jason Priestley stars as Ed Beagly Sr., a mild-mannered accountant who's got a crazy secret he's not too keen on revealing to his wife: he's addicted to screwing corpses! From the creators of that cable show about people selling drugs, that cable show about people having sex in various locations, and that cable show about the crazy Mormons comes the newest program to stuff those stuffy suits on network television! Look for a cameo from comedic legend Mitch Hedberg as "Love Interest #3" during the fourth episode, "Much Ado About Fucking." Now on with the show!
Planes Take Down World Trade Center!
Super slithering super scoops, Batman! Looks like the cult phenomenon "Snakes On a Plane" was able to trounce Oliver Stone's much ballyhooed "World Trade Center" for the number two spot last weekend, snatching a whopping $13.9 million! Of course the combined power of Samuel Jackson and Nicholas Cage's fake flying moustache of bravado and the indefatigable American dream were both lapped by Will Ferrell's comedic vehicle "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby," where Ferrell once again plays the character of Will Ferrell, a guy whose silly, childlike, immature personality eventually gives way to a person who's honest and sweet at heart, leading to success and true love and, most importantly, a whole crapload of money.
RUMOR MILL: Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler are exploring the possibility of simultaneously directing and producing the same upcoming film, starring both of them as the same character. Our inside men claim this sassy, groundbreaking comedy will be called "Interchangeable" and will answer the age-old question, "seriously, what's the difference between the two?" Both of them even have the same potato-shaped heads.
The good news: "Snakes On a Plane" edged out the very similar "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid" release nearly two years ago, grossing $1 million more than its counterpart. The bad news: read the previous sentence again and try to comprehend exactly how pathetic this is. Sorry Internet, looks like the blogosphere wasn't able to blast this beast into the blue! But keep your chin up, daring director David Ellis! Just because your movie grossed half that of your first film, the family friendly "Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco," doesn't mean you can't repeat the magic again! Slap a G-rating on the sequel and make it about animated snakes trying to find their way back into their mall pet shop; as long as you include plenty of suggestive sexual euphemisms and pop culture parodies, Disney execs will be fighting "fang" and nail over it for sure! Now head out there and "rattle" some cages!
As for Oliver Stone's finicky failure to cash in on the WTC disaster? Look for his next project, "Atlanta Shattered," the story of Eric Rudolph's trash can bomb in the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, and the brave men and women who nearly injured themselves asking each other "did you just hear an explosion?" or "what was that noise?" Word around town suggests the studio is looking at teenage heartthrob Dean Cain to play the role of Rudolph.
Wayans Get Way Out There!
The Wayans brothers, creators of such marvelous modern misfit miracles "White Chicks" and "Little Man," convinced DreamWorks to pick up their script for "Pretty Ugly," a screwball comedy about a handsome man who becomes - hold on to your hats here - UGLY! Let's take a look at the Wayans' timeline and see how it fits into their exciting and profitable universe of two-word concepts:
2004 - "White Chicks" - Makeup and fake skin cause black men to become white women.
2006 - "Little Man" - Terrible and disconcerting special effects cause a tall man to become short.
2007 - "Pretty Ugly" - A gypsy curse causes a handsome man to become ugly.
2008* - "Fat Whore" - A Martian curse causes a lanky virgin to become a weighty woman who must have sex with 10 men a day or else she will transform into an obese mannequin.
2009* - "Skinny Prude" - An Egyptian curse causes a large, promiscuous lady to become a scrawny man who cannot have sex with anybody or else he will explode.
2010* - "Talented Directors" - A Polish curse causes a Hollywood to keep giving job offers to a couple of untalented black brothers who have founded their career on "kick to the groin" jokes. They don't actually turn into talented directors but hey, we can all dream!
RUMOR MILL: The Wayans (Damon, Keenen Ivory, Marlon) were recently spotted at the fantastic Geisha House off beautiful Hollywood Boulevard, wining and dining it up with the Baldwins (Alec, Stephen, William, and Daniel). As is in typical Highlander tradition, the two families battled it out, with only William and Stephen Baldwin surviving to carry the Baldwin family name into the next century. At least we think it was William and Stephen who survived; it might've been Alec and Daniel. Wait, which one of them does all the "straight to Sci-Fi Network" movies? Shit, that's NEARLY ALL OF THEM? Regardless, look for whoever survived to star in the upcoming Science Fiction Network original movie, "House of the Dead 4: Zombies Versus Volcanoes."
Gellar Crawls Into the Cellar - Again!
Hollywood fatcats are gearing up again to toss Sarah Michelle Gellar into the role of a plucky protagonist out fighting children's ghosts and solving convoluted mysteries in another terrifying remake of a Japanese cult horror classic, the 1993 spooktacular "Ghost Hut of the Boxcar," which execs have renamed to "The Deathening." Although folks high up on the food chain are tight lipped on this surefire summer blockbuster, we were able to import a few key fact of the remake and contrast it to the original.
IN THE ORIGINAL: The ghosts of deceased women and children haunt an abandoned railway boxcar used for human trafficking.
IN THE REMAKE: Sarah Michelle Gellar's boyfriend is possessed by the spirit of a witch who fought Christopher Columbus.
IN THE ORIGINAL: The protagonist, Hiroshi Toubei, "traps" the ghosts inside plants, which he then buries in a "memorial graveyard."
IN THE REMAKE: Ghosts are killed with shotguns and exploding cars.
IN THE ORIGINAL: Muted colors and saturated greens are prevalent.
IN THE REMAKE: Every goddamn thing in the movie is either blue or white, except blood, which is kind of an off-white blue color.
IN THE ORIGINAL: Toubei sacrifices himself and travels to the "spirit realm" so the ghosts may stop murdering innocents.
IN THE REMAKE: Gellar loads a bunch of plastic explosives into a wheelbarrow, shoves it into the boxcar, and says "haunt THIS" before detonating it in slow motion from multiple camera angles.
IN THE ORIGINAL: The movie is an analogy about how technology is separating humanity from their souls.
IN THE REMAKE: Hollywood declares "analogies are for pussies and intellectual faggots who read 'The New Yorker'," opting to instead display text reading "(THIS MOVIE WAS ABOUT HOW TECHNOLOGY IS SEPARATING HUMANITY FROM THEIR SOULS)" right before the credits roll.
Producers are reportedly attempting to woo sassy newcomer Jim Sonzero into directing "The Deathening," thanks to his frank and open honesty revealing he had absolutely no idea what the central plot device in his last movie meant. Good luck with this one, Jim! Everybody here at the Tuesday Scoop sincerely hopes you find somebody to explain your movie to you before you start directing it!
RUMOR MILL: Over 27 different Japanese horror movie remakes are currently in production throughout the studios of Hollywood, including "The Phone" (a mysterious, scary phone is full of ghosts and kills people), "The Finger" (a mysterious, scary finger transplant is full of ghosts and kills people), "The Television" (a mysterious, scary television is full of ghosts and kills people), "The Phone 2: Rotary Phone" (a mysterious, scary rotary phone is full of ghosts and kills people), and "The Taco" (a mysterious, scary taco is full of ghosts and kills people). That's a lot of analogies about technology separating us from our souls!
Gellar's slated to film "The Deathening" shortly before collaborating with Naomi Watts on a remake of Takashi Shimizu's "Marebito," which will pit the two capable comrades against an army of zombie vampire alien dog women who plan on opening a portal from hell through the New York subway system. Without having ever seen it, both Ain't It Cool News and Bloody-Horror.com have declared it "a true masterpiece of modern cinema... the scariest movie we've ever seen our entire lives and will ever see ever and it's so scary we want to die right now from sheer scaredom!!!"
Looks like we've got another last stand on our hands! Producer Lauren Shuler Donner is fighting to reunite the original X-Men for one more final movie, tentatively titled "X-Men 4: Finale Endgame Conclusion Expiration Termination 2000." Unfortunately, contract negotiations with the major players (Storm, Wolverine, Magneto, Professor Xavier, the guys in charge of pulling Wolverine around with wires during those stupid "fastball special" scenes) have come to a complete halt, with the actors begging to never wear black leather again. But don't lose hope, all you crazy comic fans! Donner's come up with a contingency plan in case "the powers that be" refuse to perform. Take a peek at this EXCLUSIVE SCRIPT FOR "X-MEN 4" we were able to snag!
INT. A SHOPPING MALL - DAY
JUBILEE and DAZZLER enter a shoe store.
JUBILEE: Oh boy, I sure love to buy shoes!
DAZZLER: Me too!
Suddenly MOJO flies in through the changing room.
MOJO: Bwahaha! You two! Tell me where LONGSHOT is and I promise I won't use your corpses as punching bags on prime time Mojovision TV! Teehehehee!
DAZZLER: Oh no! If only CIPHER and the rest of the NEW MUTANTS were here to save us! Especially that stupid furry WOLFSBANE!
Too good to be true? You be the judge! In other super news, Bryan Singer plans on releasing a sequel to the blandly-received "Superman Returns," entitled "Superman Keeps On Returning Even After Numerous Restraining Orders," focusing more on the character's emotional and mental turmoil. "I think the biggest problem the audience had with Superman was that, simply put, he was too super," claimed Singer. "The next movie will feature even more 'common man' elements such as more creeping around in Lois Lane's bushes while using his x-ray vision to spy inside her house, extended sequences depicting Superman repeatedly calling Lois' cell phone and then hanging up before she can answer, and a very tortured shot of Lois deleting text messages from 'suprmn393' reading 'U NO U WANT ME BABY, DONT PISS OF SUPPERMAN U BITCH WHORE'." Word around town is the Man of Steel's next villain will be none other than Bizarro, whose personality will be socially well adjusted and not at all like a Lifetime Movie Network antagonist.
Scattershot! A collection of short news tidbits throughout Hollywood!
>>> Billy Zane and Udo Kier have both been nominated for The Superunknown Award, given to the utility actor who shows up everywhere without anybody knowing their name. Presenting the award will be last year's winner, Jeremy Piven.
>>> Government scientists have been called in to determine how network heavyweight "King of Queens" has avoided being canceled every consecutive year since its premiere. "The only good thing that comes from 'King of Queens' renewal each season is that it further enrages the sense of unfair persecution 'Sports Night' fans harbor against network television," commented lead researcher Jay Jacobs. "Maybe they'll get so angry that they'll start killing each other off."
>>> Blockbuster Video has renewed their contract with over 570 independent DVD companies, guaranteeing them "at least 100 new horror films in the 'new release' section every day." Look for more "filmed entirely in a weekend" videos such as "Grim Reapings: Sow the Seeds of Horror," "The Face Stabber," "Lance Hendrickson Presents: Tales of Terrifying Horror," and "Yarn Killer" (starring Rutger Hauer).
>>> Sam Raimi was spotted writing something down on a piece of paper. Excited obsessive fans across the globe instantly interpreted that action to mean pre-production on "Evil Dead 4" has begun. Look for Bruce Campbell to cameo as "guy who was in a couple funny movies and now professionally fights insects on the Science Fiction Network, yet people still think he's just absolutely incredible."
>>> Michael Richards and Jason Alexander have attempted to break the "Seinfeld curse" through an exciting and imaginative way: a murder / suicide pact! Watch out, Ed O' Neill!
>>> Not to be outdone by HBO's upcoming "Necrophiliacs," Showtime producers have stepped up the pace on next season's new premieres, "The Abortionists" (comedy about women getting abortions) and "Just Kidding" (comedy about child molestation).
>>> Will Smith was unanimously voted "America's Most Non-Threatening Negro" by the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.
>>> Fox plans on picking up the Australian reality TV show "Nobody Ever Wins," which pits contestants against each other in a competition where nobody wins. "People don't talk about the good guys, the winners," declared producer Abe Evans. "They talk about how evil the losers are. How much they hate them and their sinister, scheming ways. So why not eliminate a winner and cut out the prize money and unnecessary character?" Contestants must compete against each other in various physical and mental challenges including "help your partner walk through traffic," "guess if the handgun is loaded," and "who's got AIDS?"
>>> Following the critical failure of "Material Girls," "The Perfect Man," "Cheaper By the Dozen 2," "A Cinderella Story," and "Raise Your Voice," Hillary Duff plans to silence her detractors and gain new fans by releasing a 50-minute DVD of her murdering a newborn kitten while she fondles her tits. Tim Allen, in response to the failures of "The Shaggy Dog," "Zoom," and "Christmas With the Kranks," has regressed back to selling drugs on college campuses.
>>> Our insiders claim that quirky uber-star Christopher Walken was recently spotted being burned to death at the stake.
That's it for today, ladies and gents! Tune in next week for our Tuesday Scoop where we investigate the rumors behind Suri Cruise's four heads and ability to ejaculate laser beams. Toodles!
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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