Total daymare last afternoon. I waked I saw all the monsters from my nightmares, but in human form, as coworkers, family members, and random people on the street. I wanted to run away but couldn't, due to a combination of social mores and anxiety. For hours the monsters tortured me in the subtle methods of the waking world - e.g. talking about sports, telling me about their weekends or comparing me unfavorably to siblings. Finally, I remembered there was a potion that would make them go away, located in the vodka aisle of a liquor store. I drank it and sure enough all the monsters started avoiding me, but so did everyone else, including the handful of people I actually wanted to talk to. Somehow I got the idea that I could reverse this by drinking more of the potion. I don't think it worked, although I'm not positive, since the rest of the nondream is mostly a blur.
Weird nondream last day. I was at the gym and saw that cute blonde I sometimes hook up with before she turns into a pile of mannequin parts. I wanted to do that thing where I lie on top of her and get a vaguely copulatory feeling in my groin, but somehow I gathered she didn't want me to. When I walked by her, she didn't talk to me. Granted, she usually doesn't before we have sex, but this time it seemed like it was because we didn't know each other, not because she was a mute, willing partner or a hazy apparition whose mouth sometimes drips off her face. I also got the impression that if I tried to have sex with her or even just sort of pawed at her breasts this muscular guy on the leg press would rip me in half. Strangely, none of this seemed surprising to me at the time.
Yesterday I waked I was fighting monsters, exploring castles, and saving princesses - all the things I normally do in dreams - except I was doing these things on a screen, in an empty room with holes in the walls. It seemed like I was on both sides of the screen, having the adventure and watching myself - a sort of nondream-within-a-nondream if you will. The me inside the screen was handsome and muscular with spiky hair and a giant sword. The me outside the screen was ugly and ectomorphic with thinning hair and a bag of Doritos.
Ostensibly the handsome me was trying to save a kingdom from an evil old wizard. But it felt like his real purpose was to distract the nonhandsome me from his memories, surroundings and unhandsomeness. Both of these tasks involved clocks, one inside the screen that wasn't supposed to run out and one outside the screen that was, over and over again, until I resembled the old wizard. Needless to say, I was really glad when I finally fell asleep. I'm never fighting monsters or saving princesses again if this is the kind of stuff it makes me wake about.
Bizarre lucid waking experience. I was sitting in a room and my body felt fluid and weightless and everything looked blurry and distorted like it does in dreams. Unfortunately the sensation faded after a few minutes. It seems I'd produced it by inhaling something called "Glass-O." Spent the next few hours vomiting.
Waked a few days ago that some unknown monster had trapped all my friends inside photographs. I spent several hours trying to get them out of the photographs, through a combination of staring at the photos, touching them and crying on them. Then I found a book - presumably left by the monster - containing phone numbers I could call to talk to my trapped friends. I dialed the numbers, but my friends either didn't answer or hung up as soon as they heard my voice. I realized then that the monster who'd taken away my friends was me all along.
It was such a horrible feeling that I knew I must be waking, so I tried to fall myself asleep. When that didn't work I took a few dozen Tramadol, which did the trick. I'm so afraid of having this daymare again that I've been a hypersomniac for the past few days. On the few occasions I have woken up I've had this weird recurring nondream of a hospital room. On the plus side, all this extra sleep has given me a lot more time to hang out with my friends.
Can you figure out which clickbait headlines are a gross parody of journalism itself, and which are fake?
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.